Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Why Can't All DUI Offenders Be as Sexy as Ty Pennington?

It's official. DUIs are the new pink, assuming pink is still the new black.

30 Rock's Tracy Morgan, who is already on probation for a DUI, is now in trouble for not wearing his alcohol-monitoring bracelet for 90 days. His lawyer explained that Morgan couldn't wear the bracelet due to an "undisclosed medical condition." Yeah, it's called alcoholism.

Just last night, Gary Collins got caught playing smash 'em up while smashed, and my immediate reaction was, That's Incredible! See, I was under the impression that Collins was on that old '80s show, but then I realized that was Fran Tarkenton. (No, they look nothing alike.) So then I started wondering who in the hell Gary Collins actually was. I keep hearing him referred to as a "TV legend" and, although I do recognize his face, I couldn't tell you how I know it. Therefore, since I can't stand losing an opportunity to make a bad pun, I've consulted the almighty IMDB to help me come up with a punny recap of this non-story. Here goes nothing.

TV legend, Gary Collins, was arrested last night in LA (where else) for drunk driving. With the help of a blood alcohol level that was over twice the legal limit, Collins rammed his black SUV (what else) into some poor little old man's car and then swerved into oncoming traffic, plowing into two parked cars.

Collins told police he was just out on a fantastic journey and didn't mean to hurt anyone. Oh, gimme a break! What is this, Fantasy Island? He thinks because he's one of Doris Day's best friends, that he can do whatever he wants, including driving his SUV like it's the wackiest ship in the army. Well, let's just hope that this police story doesn't end with another hollywood square just getting a slap on the wrist.


That was much more work than it was worth.

The world of pop culture has suddenly become very boring. What do we have going on right now? Marie Osmond passing out instead of paso doble-ing? Ellen crying over a dog? Kid Rock getting into a fight at the Waffle House (like that doesn't happen every weekend)?

I miss Britney. I miss Lindsay. Paris...not so much. But those other two? Yeah, I miss 'em. I'm hoping that this lull is just the calm before the next crazy storm.


Slave to the dogs said...

Shame on you for headlining this with Ty and posting this fart's picture instead. I was thinking he was on "Tic Tac Dough," but I decided that's not it either.

Lindsay's on her way back - I think the drama's just starting with this "fiancee". Guess she's immune to learning from Brít's mistakes.

Artful Dodger said...

They have alcohol-monitoring bracelets? Most interesting. I guess only for celebrities though. All my bro got was the breathalizer installed on his car. Now that was interesting.

Beth said...

I wonder why Brit and Kid Rock haven't run into each other at the Waffle House?

Bubs said...

Amy Winehouse needs to move to L.A.

Malcolm: said...

Gary Collins a TV legend... whoever wrote/said that is really stretching it. I was looking for a "Sixth Sense" reference (his TV show, not the Bruce Willis movie) in your recap of his arrest.

Skylers Dad said...

What we really need are more photos of the "starlets" junk while getting out of their Limos...

Suzel's Sass said...

It would've been better if Gary had been arrested not wearing pants. His "wow" factor would've wiped Marie Osmond's tape of wiping out right off of "The Insider".

pistols at dawn said...

What's sad is that Gary Collins currently hosts a TV show at the TV network I recently worked for. I also had no idea who he was, but the PR materials also called him a legend.

cube said...

I'm old enough to remember Collins' TV series The Sixth Sense. Obviously, he only played a man with ESP, 'cause had he really had some sixth sense, he would've swerved his SUV!

Alice said...

i started to write that i'd send drama-infused thoughts lindsay & brit's ways.... then i just felt bad, like they really don't need the help.

Dale said...

I want more Ellen meltdowns. That was the funniest thing I'd seen in a while.

Dale said...

Oh, and isn't Gary Collins married to Mary Ann Mobley? Back to imdb with you!

BeckEye said...

Slave - I'm like the nightly news. Luring you in with the sexy headlines and then blathering on about nothing important. Lindsay has a "fiancee?" do I not know this? That bitch never calls me anymore.

Dodger - Yes, they're made of the finest leather and studded with Swarovsky crystals.

Beth - I think we need to set up a play date for them.

Bubs - They tried to make her go to Cali and she said "no...I don't think so." No, wait. I'm thinking of someone else.

Malcolm - I saw that on the imdb list but all that worthless punning is tiring. I had to draw the line somewhere.

Skyler's Dad - Yes, what the world needs now is junk, sweet junk.

Suzel - He was wearing dorky shorts. Not as good as getting caught pantsless but much better than normal, long pants.

Pistols - I'm going to start referring to myself as a "Blogging Legend," then. Why not?

Cube - Haley Joel Osment got busted for a DUI too. Maybe anyone involved in any type of "Sixth Sense" production is cursed!

Alice - yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. They'll come around.

Dale - She was quite hysterical. And yes, I did see that Gary is married to Mobley...which reminds me. I think I've seen him hosting Miss USA or Miss America or one of those crappy pageants.


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