Thursday, December 13, 2007

ANTM 9 Finale

Last night, Tyra Banks crowned America's Next in a Line of Models You Won't Ever See Again (Except for a Guest Shot on the Next Cycle of ANTM). It didn't have to be that way but, as so often happens on reality TV, the best girl didn't win.

The first part of the final challenge took Chantal, Saleisha and Jenah to their Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot. This year, the girls were hocking new Wetslicks Spritzers lip gloss. Now, I don't know about these "spritzers," but I can tell you that I swear by Wetslicks Crystals #440, "The One." It is definitely the one. It's the most perfect lip color I've ever found, and if Cover Girl ever discontinues it, I will blow up their factory.

Sorry about that mini-ad. I wasn't even getting paid for it or getting a critique from Jay Manuel. Spritzing onward...

Jaslene showed up to give the girls some pointers and my roommate begged me to put the TV on mute. He thinks her voice is ultra-annoying, but I think his incessant whining about how annoying she is is even more annoying. The sound stayed on.

Chantal was pretty stiff during her commercial. It was like she was promoting a mixer at Delta Delta Delta. Jay explained that she may as well have been saying, "I'm reading lines! I'm a dumb model!" After his comments, Jay said Chantal did better, but I didn't hear it. Jenah couldn't remember her lines and screwed up to the point where Jay said she would need to use cue cards. Fearing that having to read from cards would make her look "weak," Jenah steamrolled right through her lines perfectly. Fear works! Apparently, so does crying because Saleisha messed up so badly that she had to take a moment off-set to openly weep about her suckitude. Afterward, the lines poured out of her just like all of those tears.

Everyone did pretty well on the photo shoot. It's hard to mess those Cover Girl shots up. Unless you wear goth makeup and scowl, they all kind of look the same. It's all "Life is swell! I'm a ball of sunshine! You need this makeup if you hope to look even half as pretty as me!" However, the two girls who act like they shit lollipops and rainbows didn't look nearly as good as Jenah, the supposed "attitudinal" girl. And here comes the part where I rant.

At panel, the judges had nice things to say about Chantal and Saleisha. Even if their performances or photos could've used some work, they were still nice girls. Oh, it was all so nice. And then they got to Jenah. Her commercial was perfectly fine. She looked like she was having fun and, at the end, she took a little bite of a strawberry and when it almost fell out of her mouth, she giggled. It was cute and charming. If Saleisha had done it the exact same way, Tyra would've bowed at her feet. Yet, coming from Jenah, Tyra felt like she was "making fun of the commercial" while she was doing it and came across as a smart-aleck who didn't want to be there.

The picture of Jenah that the producers forced the judges into painting a couple of weeks ago (out of nowhere) got quite a few more splashes of color. Apparently, it was decided that Jenah was a snotty "mean girl" with an "over-it" attitude and that was that. Everyone started piling on. Nigel told her she didn't have any charm. Tyra told her she acted like she was better than everyone. When the other models were asked who had the least potential in the competition, they both said Jenah and gave her "bad attitude" as a reason. Meanwhile, all of the girls in the house liked Jenah. Even Bianca liked Jenah, and Bianca didn't even like herself! Chantal, who seemed to be one of Jenah's best friends on the show, even went so far as to say that she wouldn't want her little sister looking up to someone like Jenah as a role model. Interesting that she chose to say something that specific after Jenah mentioned on a previous episode that she raised her little sisters and wanted to win so that they could be proud of her. I'm not annoyed with Chantal for saying what she said, as I'm sure she didn't think of it herself. The entire judging panel portion of the show screamed "producers' stunt." Finally, after being completely broken down, Jenah started crying and talking about how much she wanted to be there and apologized if she came off as a smart-ass. I wish she hadn't given those idiots the satisfaction of seeing her cry, but I do have to give her props for saying that she felt that she would make a better Cover Girl than the other two because she is who she is. She didn't believe that she had to run around being all sweet and sing-songy to be a role model, and that more girls could relate to her because she's real. The judges all sat there and nodded, and then Tyra beamed at Jenah and told her how proud she was of her. So, maybe she would make it to the final two after all that, right? Well, no.

After deliberating and admitting that Chantal was the most amateurish of the three girls, Tyra picked her first. Um...yeah. When it came down to Saleisha and Jenah, Tyra went on and on about how Jenah's pictures rivaled some of those of the top models in the industry. Jenah was practically a model already. Saleisha had a lot of work to do, but the decision was made. Saleisha was in. Tyra was saying some things, but I imagine the thoughts behind her fake smile were more along these lines....Jenah, you think I'm gonna keep you around when you take better pictures than I do? Girl, you crazy! This is MY show! Now, get the hell outta here before I five-head butt you!

I think it's hilarious that Tyra kept harping on the fact that models are supposed to "shine from within" and possess "inner beauty" so that they can be role models. Tyra never called Bianca on her shit while she was spewing venom at practically every girl in the house. If being nice was so important, why did all of Bianca's bitchiness go unnoticed? And let's look at some of Tyra's supermodel pals. Kate Moss is a coke-head. Naomi Campbell has anger issues. Gisele is kind of a slut. Cindy Crawford is just annoying. Come on. What women seriously look up to models? Well, most of us kind of have to look up to them because they're Amazonian freaks. But not so literally, what women seriously look up to models? Bulimics? Maybe if models were more like real women, we would have more respect for them. They look good in expensive clothes that no one would ever wear and crazy makeup that not even prostitutes could pull off. That's what they're here for. Please stop trying to make people think otherwise, Ms. Banks.

Anyway, Chantal and Saleisha did some weird Chinese fashion show. Clearly, Saleisha was a better strutter but Chantal provided more pure entertainment. There were performers on stilts next to the red carpet "runway" and as Chantal walked by on her 2nd run, one of the freaks tripped over the train of her dress and bit it hard. Chantal said she felt really bad, but I bet she only felt bad because she couldn't openly laugh. Hey, the guy deserved it. That's what you get for wearing stilts to a fashion show.

It finally dawned on me why I've never really liked Chantal, aside from her obvious Barbie-ness. I always thought she reminded me of someone but could never quite put my finger on it. Tyra said a while back that she looked like Cheryl Tiegs, but that wasn't it. She looks like a blonde Katie Holmes. Blah.

As I predicted a few weeks ago, Saleisha was named America's Next Top Model. Before the winner was announced, Tyra blathered on with an almost perverse glee that she was "worried" that she would be crushing the girl who didn't win. Much to Tyra's chagrin, I'm sure, Chantal didn't have much of a reaction at all. I imagine that, off-camera, she put her hands in her pockets, shrugged and bit her lip...just like Joey Potter.


Anonymous said...

Joey Potter....hee hee. I don't even know why I still watch that show. Maybe to watch Ms. J's hair get bigger and bigger.

I'm Suzel and I'm a Reality TV show freak.

M@ said...

i can't believe people watch that crap. netflix, people! netflix!

The Guv'ner said...

So...quite besides all that, do these girls' parents go to a special school for naming your kids weird and obnoxious things? I think they do.

Happy Villain said...

Models are kind of caricatures of real women, aren't they? From the waif figures to the exaggerated makeup, they kind of resemble extreme and amusing cartoons of humans. Now that we get to see and hear them on TV, that just solidifies the image that they're people who have exaggerated traits, both physically and emotionally. Fun to listen to you rip on Tyra, though. That's entertainment enough for me.

Metal Mark said...

I can see that I am still not missing much by skipping on TV.

Alice said...

i agree with EVERYTHING you've said. i've been on board the "dammit.. saleisha is going to win for no freaking reason" train all this time, and i totally think they've been editorializing the "jenah = bitch" angle too. so pissed last night. "jenah, you take better pictures than most models. chantal, you are an amateur. jenah: you're going home." wtf. this show makes me so angry every season... and yet i watch it every time.

pistols at dawn said...

They are all failures. When does anyone realize this?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Did Tyra smile with her eyes or without? That's the important stuff.

Dale said...

I thought Jaslene was deaf and that's why she sounds like that? Maybe not. The best part was watching the stilt guy take a dive. Maybe Jenah set it up.


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