American Idol 7: Audition Day Two

The AI crew rolls into Dallas tonight for the first time since Season 1, which ended with Texas native Kelly Clarkson being crowned the original Idol. Of course, all of these Rebs think they're the next Kelly, but if the show hasn't produced an Idol better than her by now, I doubt it ever will. Still, that won't stop the misguided throngs from giving "Since You Been Gone" their best shouts.

Jessica Brown kicks things up a notch from last night's Lifetime drama with her MTV-ready "former meth addict turned stay-at-home mom" story. She doesn't sing Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take The Wheel," her self-appointed theme song, but instead opts for The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You," which Carrie covered last year. I may have said yesterday that Kristy Lee Cook was this year's Carrie, but Jessica might give her a run for her money. I imagine that whatever she sings, she'll sound great. I'd especially love to hear her take on "Rehab."

Next we are introduced to Paul Stafford, aka Fat Larry Bird. Fat Larry reveals that he's an ACE - American Coaster Enthusiast - and I turn green with envy. I think he said he's a groundskeeper at a baseball field. Where does he get the time and money to roll with those thrill riders?? I've only wanted to be an ACE forever. If this guy goes through to Hollywood, I'll gladly take his spot in the club. Unfortunately for both of us, he spazzes his way through an Elliot Yamin song, much to Simon's befuddlement. Fat Larry isn't even the worst AI has ever seen. How can Simon be surprised by anything anymore? Of course, he may have been surprised to hear Paul say that he was relieved that Simon didn't come down hard on him because "he goes down on just about everybody." Ahem. Soooo, where is the holding room for that?

By the way, I forgot to mention that Simon is wearing a seafoam green shirt tonight. That is an actual color. What is going on? Did he forget to pack a suitcase for this tour? Is he borrowing stuff from Seacrest?

Beth Maddocks sings a Chipmunk-esque version of Kelly Clarkson's "Beautiful Disaster," which kicks off a string of disastrous auditions. Then, in walks Alaina Whitaker, who looks like a bitchier version of Carrie Underwood. She just reminds me of any sorority girl I wanted to beat down during my drunken college years. She sings a Faith Hill song well, but she's one of those heavy breathers who likes to hit those "creaking door" notes that are supposed to be sexy. She's good enough to go to Hollywood, but Simon makes my heart sweat when he tells her bluntly, "I don't think you're as good as you think you are." Oh Simon, let's go to Vegas.

Bruce Dickson (no, not Dickinson, babies) tries to convince America that he's never kissed a girl and is "saving himself" for marriage, when he looks like he just walked off the set of Gossip Girl. He obviously has an unhealthy relationship with his Dad, but I still don't believe that Dad has instilled all this virtue in him. Then he tries to boy-bandardize "Ain't No Sunshine." If the guy's never had a girlfriend, how would he know how it feels when his woman's gone? This kid's full of shit. Luckily, his boy-next-door gimmick doesn't work and he gets the old heave-ho.

Brandon Green teaches America what kids who live "way down in Louisiana" do to pass the time by showing off his disgusting collection of fingernail shavings. Then, he gives a pretty good performance of the yacht rock classic, "Rich Girl," despite his obvious lack of Oates-tache. Simon doesn't really like him, but Paula and Randy want to put him through. When Randy tries to act like Brandon's savior by painting Cowell as the bad guy, the kid pisses Randy off by praising Simon as the "truth teller." Randy gets all bitchy and practically threatens Brandon with rejection unless he says he likes Randy better than Simon. (In the end, he gave him a yes.) I guess the pressure of being the judge no one cares about is finally starting to break him.

Kayla Hatfield starts up the violins again with her tragic car wreck story and wins all the judges over with her "just happy to be alive" attitude. Honestly, I think she might still be medicating. Who does she remind me of? Ah....Honey Bunny. I keep waiting for her to jump up on the judges' table with a gun and threaten to execute every motherf**king last one of them. Her growling, loud performance of "Piece of My Heart" is just as scary, but somehow the judges all agree to send her to Hollywood. Maybe Pumpkin had a gun on them, who knows.

The last audition of the day belongs to Kady (I'm gonna call her "Caddy," 'cause I'm a mean girl) Malloy, who claims to be a female Rich Little. She really does an excellent impression of Britney Spears, with all the grunting and groaning. She stopped short at shaving her head though, which, to me, shows a lack of commitment. Oh well. The judges ask her to be Kady and she starts singing "Before He Cheats" rather Underwoodenly. I don't even think she realized that she was still in mimic mode. Simon reminds her to be herself and then she sings a very nice version of "Unchained Melody." That little tramp. She knows that's one of Simon's favorite songs! Her little ploy works well, because Simon proclaims Kady "the best so far." Neither Randy nor I would go that far, but she's aight.

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For Day 2 of the Dallas auditions, Simon sports a gray shirt (getting closer) with a deep v-neck. I hope they remember to put a 4th chair at the judges' table for Simon's chest hairs.

Vying for this year's "Keith Award" is Douglas Davidson, another weirdo with Daddy issues. After baffling the judges with his bizarre vocal warm-up exercises and even stranger rendition of "Livin' on a Prayer," Simon puts everyone's thoughts into words by cautiously asking, "What the bloody hell was that?" Ooh, I love a good British curse. Saucy! Doug doesn't answer, he just goes right into another song that no one recognizes. The whole time he's singing, he keeps doing this weird motion with his arms, like a half hug or something. It's like he's trying to squeeze the words out of his diaphragm. Security guards, or maybe they were a couple of butterfly catchers, finally come to take him away, ha ha.

Another girl needing a beat down, Angela Riley, comes in and starts blathering on about her husband, who's a professional model. Yay. You aren't going to Hollywood, honey, but you got to make all your ex-friends from high school jealous because you married a hunk. Himbo comes in under the guise of "loving support," and pretends to listen to his wife sing bad karaoke while trying not to get busted making eyes at the camera the entire time.

Nerdy Kyle Ersley wants to be the American Idol, but he also wants to be the governor of Oklahoma. Hey, if Arnold can be The Terminator and rule California, why not? He announces that he's going to sing my favorite Queen song, "Somebody to Love." I wince in expectation, but he actually isn't that bad. He can certainly carry a tune, but he's no Freddie Mercury. He's not even a Clay Aiken. There just wasn't much soul to the performance, but he's a likable kid and that helps him get through.

The freak montage makes me wonder if Dubya knows how many cross-dressers there are in Texas.

That thought is suddenly interrupted, and my love for Simon is threatened, by the appearance of Drew Poppelreiter, a little farm boy who's cuter'n a sack full of possums. New crush! It's amazing how some people with Southern accents (e.g., Britney) just come off as stupid and others (e.g., Dierks Bentley) come off as super-hot. Drew is in the latter category. He drives a tractor. (Yes, it's sexy.) He gnaws on a toothpick. He refers to his family members as "rascals." He spins cornfield wisdom like, "To git somewhere, ya gotta give up some stuff sometimes." Oh, that's so true. What, like I'm gonna argue with that? Look at the way he fills out that flannel shirt! I can't believe Paula says he doesn't have a "wow factor." Is she seeing his legs in those jeans? Maybe he should've done a turn so she could've gotten a better view of that back forty. Yeah, I know this is about the voice, but I can't remember if he actually sang.

Finally, the inevitable montage of people mangling "Since You Been Gone" is here. Then, a girl from Burleson, Kelly's hometown, does a very over-the-top performance of Whitney Houston's "Run to You," and somehow makes it through to Hollywood. Prediction: there will not be another Idol from Burleson, TX. At least not this year.

Now, I want you to imagine this: What if Jackie Chan were an astronaut-pimp? Well, you would have Renaldo Lapuz, the last auditioner of the day. He offers up an original song called "We're Brothers Forever," and what's sad about this is that he definitely sings better than I do. However, I think I'm a better lyricist because there are about 3 lines in that song. Somehow, that still doesn't stop it from lasting about 20 minutes. The craziness devolves into a dance and sing-along, and Paula has a rare, genuinely funny moment (if you're easily amused) when she pretends to sign out the lyrics for Simon's enjoyment. At the end of it all, Renaldo's dream comes true when he gets a hug from Cowell. Lucky bastard.

Post-audition, Renaldo gives a teary-eyed speech about the glory that is Simon, the man who gives everyone a chance to sing for the world. He explains that even though people "throw him negative words," Simon is "Heaven's chosen to give chance to any talent, free of charge." And, if Paul Stafford is to be believed, he goes down on just about everybody. I don't know if that's free of charge too, but I'll look into it.