Wednesday, January 23, 2008

American Idol 7: They Named a Dance After This Town?

Hello, Cleveland!

Allow me to channel Simon for a moment...

Charleston, South Carolina. If I'm being honest, you are the most boring city in America. I mean, you really are. I'm completely serious. One-hundred thousand million percent. Sitting through these Charleston auditions is only marginally more interesting than watching an E! True Hollywood Story on Brian Dunkleman.

Yeah, tonight's show is making me so tired that I can't come up with appropriate adjectives to describe its...um...sucknaciousness. Can't come up with appropriate nouns either.

Simon's revolving door of shirts is driving me insane, once again. The white tee, the gray v-neck, the black tee, the fuzzy gray scoop neck. Dammit, Simon, pick one! He even sports a white tee shirt with a design on it at one point. A design! What is the world coming to? Next thing you know, Michael Kors will show up on Project Runway wearing an off-black jacket. With an onyx boutonnierre!

By the middle of the show, I decide to pay closer attention to Randy and Paula's outfits. I'm starting to suspect that they're filming things out of sequence and Simon is not actually being a fashion diva. But, of course, no one changes outfits for the entire second half. Simon sticks with the fuzzy scoop neck sweater, which looks so wonderfully soft. I just wanna curl up on his lap and drink Earl Gray and eat Welsh rarebit or whatever other disgusting concoctions those lovely and bizarre Brits consider food.

Besides my love for Simon, only one other thing has kept me awake throughout this display tonight. Some guy at the top of the show had to leave the auditions because his wife went into labor, and they've been following his progress like he's the one to watch. I really don't care about the guy or his baby story; I just love the fact that his name is Oliver Hymen. For this entire hour, I've been trying to come up with the perfect childish joke. While trying to choose between "Obviously, his wife doesn't have oliver hymen," and "They named the baby Buster," it's revealed that Oliver's last name is actually spelled Highman. Stupid jerk. Well, wait. That's still funny, I guess. Highman. He's high, man. Huh huh huh huh huh...mmm yeah...huhuhuhuh. He's high.

What's really stupid is that Oliver wasn't even a very good singer and didn't make it through! Why did the producers devote so much time to following him if he was going to end up a reject? BECAUSE CHARLESTON IS BORING. Wasn't I paying attention to myself when I said that earlier??

I need to get away from the TV now so I don't have to endure The Moment of Truth. That show must be the worst example of how people prize money above everything else. Celebrities bitch about never getting to have a "private life," yet more and more average Joes are just chomping at the bit to put every bit of their lives on camera, no matter what the personal cost. Is nothing sacred these days? I saw a promo for Scott Baio Is 46 And Pregnant, where Scott's girlfriend walked into the bathroom to talk to him and he was like, "Don't you realize you're being followed everywhere by cameras and you come in here while I'm trying to take a shit?" Oh, so having the cameras around every other minute of the day doesn't bother him, but they're off-limits during his heavy reading time?

I think it's safe to assume that the next big reality game show will be something like Dump or No Dump. Contestants would be, quite literally, put in the hot seat to see who can produce a pile with the pressures of a watchful audience and a dramatic musical score.

16 comments:

gifted typist said...

oh dear, I've dvr'ed it to watch tonite. Maybe I should just stick hot needles in my eye instead?

BTW, Welsh rarebit is absolute heaven.

The Guv'ner said...

Hahahaha that photo of the crazy lush Abdul made me laugh out loud! :):)

CDP said...

"his wife doesn't have oliver hymen"...I'm going to laugh about that all day.

Bond said...

They have good food there though

Beth said...

I'm going to Charleston in the a.m. Will I be boring? I do plan to dine at Hyman's Seafood.

pistols at dawn said...

Charleston Chew is one of the most boring, crappy candies around, too.

Bluez said...

geeze I was planning to retire in Charleston. Probably a good idea cuz I cant sing either

Movie Maven said...

OH MY GOD SERIOUSLY...why with the whole newborn baby angle if dude was just going to get cut?? SO BAD.

deadspot said...

Charleston, South Carolina isn't even the most boring Charleston in America. I know. I've seen Charleston, Illinois.

And I have three words for your new reality show: "Who Poop Rast?" (If you watch Robot Chicken, you're dying right now, otherwise, you're probably scratching your head.)

gizmorox said...

Charleston's a really pretty city, but I wouldn't pick it as a pop culture hub. I actually had an acquaintance go up to audition, but he's an idiot and missed the cut off time. He would have been a hoot to watch, even though he can't sing to save his life.

Alice said...

HAHAHAAAAAAA i love your reality show concept. you're right, it's only a matter of time.

maybe "Ivanna Geht Highman" ?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You think the Highman dude would have the decency to change the spelling. C'mon, you're on tv!

Funny, I figured there already was a Dump or No Dump on the air. I guess you are just ahead of your time.

Chancelucky said...

Loved the Oliver Highman jokes. As auditions go, Charleston was scary bad. Maybe that's why they're bringing in all the ringers this year.

BeckEye said...

Gifted Typist - Why do they call it cheese on toast when there is so much other crap in it? (I only know the ingredients because my beloved Glenn Tilbrook sings a song about it.)

Guv - She is feeeeelin' gooooood.

CDP - Hey, it cracked someone other than me up! Woo-hoo! Sometimes I feel like I'm just humoring myself. :)

Bond - They have good food here too, and better singers. :)

Beth - You could never be boring! What's the speciality at Hyman's? Tuna?

Pistols - I don't think I've ever had one. I've seen them, but I always assume I don't like them even if I couldn't tell you what's in one.

Bluez - Maybe you could shake things up there.

Movie Maven - It's like having an Extreme Home Makeover, and then at the end Ty says, "Ha ha, we're just kidding. Your old house is still here."

Deadspot - What's Robot Chicken? A show....for me to poop on?

Gizmorox - Darn. That would've made my degrees of separation from AI much less.

Alice - I wrote down what they named the baby, but it wasn't funny, so I threw it away and forgot. It was a girl though, so let's just say you're right.

Barbara - Maybe "Dump or No Dump" is a show in Canada, eh?

Chancelucky - What ringers? I haven't really seen anyone that stands out for real vocal ability. That Star Wars dorky girl was right, everyone sounds the same.

Chancelucky said...

Several of the contestants have fairly extensive professional backgrounds. Brook White, David Archuelata, Michael Johns, the Irish tatoo lady...

It's one of the "fixes" for this year. That, however, doesn't mean that they sound all that special,

genn6 said...

I lost it over that one. What a bunch of sickos.....how many households in America do you think gave at least one chuckle over "Oliver Hymen". They're peaceful lives are over!!

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine