Friday, January 04, 2008

Catching Up With the Firecrotches Three

Hey Lindsay, Paris and Britney, it's a brand new year! What are your resolutions for 2008?

Lindsay Lohan: Last year, I resolved to hook up with as many random Italian dudes as I could and it just didn't happen. But, I'm so much more mature now and realize that I can do anything if I really apply myself. I already have three under my belt and it's only the first week of 2008! I think this shows how much more responsible I've become. Like, with drinking. A lot of people didn't think my 3rd...or was it my 4th...I don't know, whatever...people thought my 5th trip to rehab wouldn't take. But it totally has. I'm sober and loving it. Being sober just feels great. I don't need alcohol to...hey, what is that, champagne? Well, there's nothing wrong with toasting the new year, right? It's not like I have a problem. I mean, at least I'm not driving or anything! So, I'll give up drinking for Lent. No biggie.

Paris Hilton: Well, like, last year I totally realized that I'm kinda human and that I have so much to give other humans. I know I said I wanted to be more philan...philateral...philly...um, money-giving and good deed doing and all that stuff last year. But since it was kinda near the end of the year, I thought a lot of things would get fixed before this year but, like, there's still Rwandians who are, like, hungry and stuff, and people are still dying from cancerish tumors and multiple sclerioliosis and irritable bowel symptom and bad diseases like that. And all those ladies who will have no place to live when they get out of jail, like I totally still wanna build them a house and stuff, 'cause you know, they're like my sisters. So my resolution was to help fix all these problems in the world, but now I can't because, like I might need someone to start a charity for me. My grandfather went totally senile and gave away a bunch of money that I earned when I was born. So, now I only get like 3 million bucks when he finally croaks. I used to spend 3 million every weekend...now what am I supposed to do? It's not like I can live a normal life AND help other people on that kind of allowance! Old people are so stupid. If Gramps left me more bucks, I would've even tried to find a cure for old man smell, but now I so can't. He took all my dreams and resolutions away from me. Sigh...people just don't understand how hard it is to be me.

Britney Spears: God, y'all...I think we should put an end to all the revolutions in 2008. There's just like, too much war and killin' in the world already so I don't think anyone should start any more revolutions. But, I might start a war with my dumb sister 'cause she totally stole my act by gettin' pregnit and gettin' talked about all up in the press all the time. I mean, God, it's like the paps totally forgot where I lived for a few weeks 'cause of her. What's the big deal? Like, anyone can get pregnit once. Well, whatevs, she don't know who she's dealing with. Alls I gotta do is have my kids over for a visit, take a whole buncha drugs, ignore them, and then act all crazy when K-Fed's gopher comes to pick 'em up. Then, boom, I'm back on the front page! Yeeeee-haw!

20 comments:

Edge said...

Can it get any worse for Britney? Can it?

So sad.

I bet she goes out OD'd like some cracked up whore with an orange ball or twinkie in her mouth.

~Jef

Suze said...

I thought you were talking about me for a second. Phew - my husband would be pissed if I had three Italian dudes under my belt already :)

Distributorcap said...

is britney still the only one who hasnt been to jail

chelene said...

What I find amazing is that none of them look their age. Lindsay least of all. She looks 40.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Now that is the Popeye we all know and love...





...and depend on for updates.

mellowlee said...

LMAO!! Gawd Beckeye, that is the best laugh so far this year *hand claps* haahaa!

Bond said...

I am Italian, but would not go near Lindsey with a 10-foot pole..

Paris should try FREE RICE

it adjusts to your intelligence level, though i am not sure she would know the definition to cat or dog

Britney...sorry..total lost cause

SkylersDad said...

Nice work, you are just brilliant!

pistols at dawn said...

I do like that she's literally had the three dudes under her belt.

Plus, how grateful are the first two for Britney's meltdown? They look like the sane ones now.

Dale said...

I want to see them in the Charlie's Angels pose but with a bottle, a shiv and a bucket of chicken. Is that so wrong?

cube said...

If she's not careful, Britney's going to go down the Anna Nicole Smith route.

God forbid little sister got the limelight for 45 seconds.

deadspot said...

I had a little xmas flashback there.

"three crotches burning..."

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Paris could have done so much good in the world, if only she had the money she deserves! She could have rid the world of the scourge of old man smell. We was robbed!

Bubs said...

I'm in a celebrity dead pool, and there's a special "under 40" category. Right now I'm really regretting that I didn't put Ms Spears in it.

LoraLoo said...

Do you remember the made-for-tv-movie about Marilyn Monroe - I am pretty sure it was in the late 70's (now I'll have to go find out what it was, exactly). Anyway, in the movie her mother is rolled out on a stretcher when she finally loses her mind... and she has the absolute craziest look in her eyes I'd ever seen. Sound familiar? LOL

Coffee-Drinking Woman said...

you left out the part about Brit and the guns...

Happy New Year!

X. Dell said...

Funny.

The Guv'ner said...

Oh man. Tears of laughter. And so SPOT ON. I think I was chortling up a storm reading that until I reached "pregnit" then my innards burst and now there's a mess all over my office floor. :)

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

If my grandpa was a billionnaire & left me $3 mil, I'll be a little pissed, too. I almost feel sorry for her and the 20+ other grandkids.

Alice said...

that is hilarious... and yet so, so sad. because it's TRUE. le sigh, ladies.

 

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