American Idol 7 Results: 2/28/08

There's nothing I hate more than a medley. Except for maybe a poorly arranged and executed one.

That explains why I normally don't watch the results show all the way through but, for the second week in a row, there is nothing else on! What gives? I thought the writers' strike was over! Why was there a repeat of The Office on at 8:00 instead of a new My Name is Earl? Well, I don't know what's going on. All I know is that I'd give a million Schrute bucks to erase that awful opening medley from my brain.

The one positive of the opening number is that we finally got to hear some of the good '70s tunes that no one's ever bothered to sing on this show: Todd Rundgren's "I Saw the Light," Bonnie Tyler's "It's a Heartache," and 10cc's "The Things We Do For Love," mixed in with Carole King's oft-covered "I Feel the Earth Move." I liked the very beginning of the medley, when that Earth-moving honey-pants, Michael Johns, kicked things off. After he faded into the background, I wished the earth would've quaked and swallowed some of those kids up. Especially Amanda Oversinger, who should've been able to handle the raspy Bonnie Tyler song, but instead turned the heartache into a big old headache.

Now on to the eliminations!

Dim all the lights, sweet Ryan, 'cause a cut is on its way. Jason Yeager is the first casualty, answering his own musical question, "Without love (from tweens with unlimited cellphone minutes) where would you be now?" That's right - home. I'm slightly annoyed. Not only does this mean that I'm already 0 for 1 in my predictions, but I kind of like Jason. He certainly isn't the best of the 10 boys, but he has a nice voice and he seems like a good guy. Ah, well. Someone has to go. At least it wasn't my Aussie Hottie.

The girls are on the chopping block now, and the axe falls on Alexandrea Lushington. I knew it. Amanda, standing next to Alex, knows it should be her. So does Alex. Thanks, Vote for the Worst, for giving Jamless Joplin another chance to assault my ears next week.

Ryan makes the remaining boys sweat it out a little longer and cuts another girl. It comes down to Blonde Thing 1 and Blonde Thing 2, and Blonde Thing 1 (Alaina Whitaker) gets the boot. She cries like Ryan actually did kick her with a boot. With spurs. She goes on and on about how she can't sing, she doesn't feel like it, it will sound terrible, wah wah wah. All the other girls had to come out and rally around her just so she could soldier on. How irritating. Honey, listen to what you're singing! Yours is not the first heart broken. Your eyes are not the first to cry. Get over it. And go change that pink dress. You're too pure to be pink.

Luke Menard and Robbie Carrico are summoned to center stage, and I'm happy that half of my predictions will be correct, no matter which one of these guys goes home. I think they both deserve it, but I'm actually surprised that of the two, it ends up being Robbie. I guess I underestimated the power of Luke's Orlando Bloomness. I certainly won't miss Robbie's Bret Michaels-lite act, but Luke is just a big spoonful of human Nyquil.

I'm hoping that the AI time machine keeps going straight ahead and lands in the '80s next week. Man, what I wouldn't give to hear Michael Johns cover my favorite '80s tune, Charlie Sexton's "Beat's So Lonely." But the odds of that happening are about as slim as getting Charlie himself to sing it.

Oh God. I just had an amazing thought. Amanda Overmyer. '80s Night. I'm your priiiiivate dancer, a dancer for moneeeey...

Paula's drunkest jibberish couldn't even come close to being as fantastically awful as that.