Monday, February 25, 2008

Oscars, Schmoscars

It's that time of year again. After all the glitz and glamour of the Oscars, it's time for the awards that really matter - The Pop Eye Awards. Since this is the third year I've done this, I probably should come up with some kind of name for them. I do kind of like Schmoscars, but what do you all think? The Poppies? The Beckos? Whatever you call 'em, here they are...

Hottest Chick of the Night: Marion Cotillard. I had never heard of her before this year, but she walked away with the Best Actress Oscar for her portrayal of Edith Piaf. This proves that, once again, all a beautiful woman needs to do is get a bit ugly to be considered a great actress. (She may have given a very good performance, but that's beside the point.) There is still a double standard in Hollywood, obviously, or John Travolta would've easily won for his role as Edna Turnblad in Hairspray! Anyway, getting back on track...I can't say I was that wild about Marion's dress, but it did kind of make her look like a mermaid. Regardless of what (or who) she was wearing, she looked gorgeous. (Last year's winner: Reese Witherspoon.)

Hottest Chick Runner-Up: Katherine Heigl, who looked very Marilyn-esque last night. (Last year's winner: Kate Winslet.)

Hottest Guy of the Night: John Travolta. Duh. If you don't know me by now, you will never never never know me, oooooh ooh. Once again, he's sporting that really closely-cut hairdo which I do not love. It cost him the "Hottest Guy" award in the first Schmoscar ceremony, but I'm not going to be such a stickler this year. I love him in spite of that haircut. (Last year's winner: John Travolta.)

Hottest Guy Runner-Up: Patrick Dempsey and his glorious mane. Unlike Travolta, I think if Patrick shaved all of his hair off, I wouldn't dig him as much. (Last year's winner: Robert Downey, Jr.)

Best Hair of the Night: McDreamy! See above. (Last year's winner: Will Ferrell.)

Worst Dressed: Tilda Swinton. Last night I compared her dress to "something that fell out of a bat's ass." I stick by that assessment. It didn't help that she looked like she'd been locked up in an attic with no windows for two months. When you're that pasty, you probably shouldn't pull your hair back and drape yourself in black. And it wouldn't have killed her to slap on some blush. (Last year's winner: Naomi Watts.)

Most Ill-Fitting Tux: Javier Bardem. Hopefully you can tell from this picture...click to enlarge. Just look at those lapels! They're tiny! It's like someone sewed kid's lapels onto a man's jacket. Weird.

Best Impression of a Dinner Napkin: Cameron Diaz takes it for the second year in a row! 'Atta girl! (Last year's winner: Cameron Diaz.)

Best Impression of a Hot Dog Topping: Kelly Preston forced me to bring this category back. Much like her predecessor, Michelle Williams, both ladies are gorgeous and the dresses themselves are very figure-flattering and well-designed. But, UGH, that color! Kelly can thumb her nose at me though, because she gets to be the mustard on John Travolta's hot dog. I kept trying to think of a way to put that without it sounding dirty, but it just doesn't work. (Last year's winner: no one; 2006 winner: Michelle Williams.)

Creepiest Nominee: Saoirse Ronan. I just look at this kid and I start to hear those crazy Latin devil-chants. I don't think I could ever bring myself to see Atonement. (New category, but Eva Green won a similar award last year, "Scariest Looking Chick.")


Best Reason for Better Security: Another category that disappeared last year, but has returned with its originator, Gary Busey! Busey totally disrupted Ryan Seacrest's red carpet interview with Laura Linney and Jennifer Garney by shouting at Seacrest and then pawing at Garner. My favorite part was when Garner was like, "Where's Ben?" Yeah, as if Ben Affleck could take on Busey. (Last year's winner: no one; 2006 winner: Gary Busey.)

Best Sourpuss: Renee Zellweger, of course. I can't believe this hasn't been a category every year. She's always at the Oscars. (New category.)


Best Moment of the Night: Jon Stewart allowing Marketa Irglova to come back out onstage to give her acceptance speech. Screw you, "wrap-it-up" orchestra! (New category.)


Worst Moment of the Night: Amy Adams' performance of that bad Cinderella knock-off song about scrubbing the bathtub or whatever. Maybe it was cute in the context of the movie (Enchanted), but last night it just felt like the reanimated Walt Disney threw up all over the stage. As if the snubbing of ALL of Eddie Vedder's music from Into the Wild wasn't painful enough. (New category.)



Best "Make BeckEye Insanely Jealous" Move: Oh, what's wrong, Kelly Preston? It's not enough that you get to spend every day of your life with John Travolta? You have to get smooches from Patrick Dempsey?? Arrrrrrghhhhh! You big, beautiful bottle of mustard, you!! (New category.)


And finally, the "Why Does This Woman Get Invited To The Oscars When She Has No Reason For Being There Other Than To Wear a Slinky Dress and Show Off Her Perfect Body?" Award goes to....Lisa Rinna. I had to change this category a bit last year for Jessica Biel, but nobody is more out of place at the Oscars than our gal, Lisa. Maybe Miley Cyrus, but this category is traditionally for a "kinda slutty" woman. I'll give Miley a few years. Maybe she can win this after she starts hanging with Paris and Lindsay. (Last year's winner: none, but Jessica Biel won a similar trophy. 2006 winner: Lisa Rinna.)

20 comments:

M@ said...

I thought last night it was ME but, OK, John Travolta. Ok....

G said...

Excellent recap and pretty much dead on (particularly on the corpse-like Swinton).

Suze said...

How dare that Kelly Preston touch my Patrick? You and me Beckeye, we have to stop this madness!!!

chelene said...

Excellent recap. I hated Katherine Heigl's hair though. Can't we let LiLo's ill-advised naked pictorial be the end of the Marilyn stuff?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

What is a Lisa Rinna, anyway?

Dale said...

I know you love him but that 'hair' they spray painted on Travolta's melon was muy disturbing.

Alice said...

haaaa. much better than those silly real awards!!

that busey clip is unreal. poor jennifer. although you're right, ben would have been no help, and then it would have just been embarassing for him while he stood there awkwardly not doing anything.

Sparky Duck said...

Travolta is still considered hot? I mean the plane thing was funny making him cool, but hot?

cube said...

As you know, I didn't watch, but I enjoyed your wwrap up nonetheless.

Swinton is one creepy broad, on the screen & in her private life.
In that dress, though, she did look like she's spread her wings & take off if she didn't win. Too bad she won, & thus deprived us of that special exit.

CDP said...

I agree with Chelene on Katherine Heigl's hair...it looked like some stylist bulldozed her into the "Old Hollywood Glamour" crap. I agree on your best moment!

Turnbaby said...

Thanks for the recap sugar. I missed it doing my show. I trust you to keep me informed;-)

SkylersDad said...

I vote for Schmoscars, it has a certain ring to it!

And Katherine Heigl looks way better in her role as Isy, with her hair pulled back. Simple beauty, that's where it's at and she has it in spades!

Historical Wit said...

helen Mirran was the hottest lady. For her age, she was bangin.

The Guv'ner said...

Excuse me but who cares if Javier's tux didn't fit right - I'm more interested in seeing him WITHOUT it, know what I'm saying? With that hunk of meat in there who CARES, BECK? WHO CARES?

Something about Kelly Preston makes me want to poke her with a sharp stick. She's so STEPFORD...

Writeprocrastinator said...

I really wasn't looking at Tilda Swinton from the neck down, but now that I see that pic, she looks like something out of "Aeon Flux" (the animated series, not the movie).

Javier got his tux from the same tailor that does all the ex-jocks on ESPN. They all have those tiny lapels and padded shoulders, to make them seem even more massive. I don't understand the logic behind it.

Renee Zellweger? As one of my sisters-in-law says, "she looks like she was weened on a pickle." Methinks a lemon, instead.

Beth said...

Why does your Johnny sport that super-short cut so often? With that great head o' hair, he should Dempsey it all the time.

WendyB said...

LOL @ "big, beautiful bottle of mustard." I liked Tilda Swinton. She looked very...Tilda Swinton.

Bubs said...

Thank you for watching and noting the hight points for me so I didn't have to.

Gifted Typist said...

Yeah beckeye, get your people to see his people about the hair. And, um, the weight.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

"...all a beautiful woman needs to do is get a bit ugly to be considered a great actress."

Odd but absolutely true.

 

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