Wednesday, March 05, 2008

American Idol 7: Girls Just Wanna Have Whatever Paula's On

I have to say right up front that I'm not that excited about tonight's show, for a couple of reasons. One is because of the horrible treatment that my wonderful '80s got last night. Out of a 10 year span, two of those idiot boys couldn't find one song they could sing? And what lazy producer was like, "Oh, a song from 1996? Close enough!" Grrrr.

The other reason should be apparent to anyone who's been reading my recaps. Girls' night means no Michael Johns. *sigh*

At the top of the show, Paula takes credit for creating the "pom-pom" hairdo. I hate to tell Drunky, but I was rockin' that high ponytail before MC Skat Kat was born. Straight up, yo.

Speaking of hair, Asia'h Epperson is back to her old curly-tendriled self. She kicks off the show with a fun rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Wanna'h Dance With Somebody." I knew she was gonna try to take on Whit. Well, at least it's a fun song and not the dreaded "Greatest You-Know-What of You-Know-When." Asia'h is a very cute, engaging performer with a nice voice, but she doesn't have the range to cover Whitney. These girls (and a few of the guys) have to know that covering a diva is always risky because they will always be compared to them. Even though Randy and Paula both love it, Simon proves my point by calling the performance "second-rate Whitney." Asia'h takes it as a compliment.

On her interview tape, Kady Malloy admits to sucking so badly during a junior high talent show that she literally destroyed the sound system. Obviously a fan of tempting fate, she insists on singing Queen's "Who Wants to Live Forever." Around the second verse, I answer, "nobody watching this show right now." This is a song that usually gives me goosebumps, but Kady's lifeless delivery is giving me more of a nails-on-chalkboard sensation. Randy winces as he unconvincingly calls the performance "pretty good." Paula and Simon both think it's better than last week, but Simon tells Kady that she has no personality. She does not compute what he means and keeps on smiling. Kady may very well may live forever, because I'm now convinced that she's a cyborg.

Jamless Joplin™ (nee Amanda Overmyer) is asked about her most embarassing moment, and she doesn't bother to mention that pesky DUI or last week's performance. Instead, she reveals that she once "accidentally" set fire to her deck. Yeah, fire rocks! I thought she might surprise everyone by coming out to sing "Burning Down the House," but she takes a more predictable route and breaks out Joan Jett's "I Hate Myself For Loving You." I have to admit, I kind of like Amanda tonight because her performance is so much better than last week's train wreck. Still, I can't get into her voice. It just seems so affected to me. All the judges love her, and they almost seem too excited about her. I feel like something fishy's going on.

Next up is Carly Smithson with a cover of "I Drove All Night," a song first made famous by Cyndi Lauper in 1989 (whew - just made it), then later covered by Roy Orbison and Celine Dion. I've always preferred Cyndi's version, but Carly was obviously going for the Celine version. Bah. Everyone knows that Carly can sing, but this song just doesn't seem to fit her personality. Randy and Paula both gush, while Simon sticks with his standard critique for this year, "It's still not the right song." Then they all agree that Carly could sing the phone book. I bet if she sings the phone book next week, Simon will tell her that she didn't pick the right area code.

Kristy Lee Cook is obviously looking for good marks from Randy. That's the only explanation I can think of for why she is trying to sing a Journey song. She drags her way through "Faithfully," setting power balladry back about 20 years. Dependable old dawg Randy blathers on about his love for Journey, and then says that he likes Kristy's "country spin" on the song. When he says that Kristy could make this into a country hit, P-Ab is all, "Tsk...I was just gonna say that! I swear I'm not just repeating everything you say, dude! Dawg! Yo!" Simon ends the madness by telling Kristy the cold, hard truth - she's forgettable.

Take a look at Ramiele Malubay now. She's singing "Against All Odds" shakily. It gradually gets better, but I still can't give her my full attention. I find it hard to believe that I've never seen the movie that this song is from. That was back when Jeff Bridges was hot. Maybe I should put it in my Netflix queue. Has anyone seen it? Is it worth my time? Obviously, I don't value my time that much, as I'm still sitting here watching this. So, where was I? Ramiele is done singing. The judges acknowledge that she is a good singer, but no one is exactly whipping out their lighters for her.

Brooke White makes no promises or demands, she just plops down on the edge of the stage to sing a stripped-down, acoustic version of Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield." Other than her annoying over-enunciation of "promises" as "prom-eeee-says," I think she sounds really good. The judges, who have been getting progressively more annoying, act like they're having a private party to which none of the contestants are invited. Poor Brooke stands there waiting for a critique that really never comes, while Paula destroys the English language and brags about choreographing this song's video. (If you've seen it, you might be wondering why she would brag about that.) Somehow, Paula and Randy don't think Brooke's take on the song brings anything new to it, despite the fact that it wasn't originally an acoustic song. Strange...I don't remember them caring about originality during Jamless Joplin's peformance. Fishy.

Closing the book on '80s Week is Syesha Mercado, who surprises no one by singing a Whitney Houston song. I actually suggested that she sing "How Will I Know," but she went for "Saving All My Love For You" instead. Why did they end the show with this? It nearly lulled me to sleep. Syesha can sing, but this was just a boring cabaret act with a bunch of yelling at the end. The judges all like Syesha. I think. They were obviously scolded by producers during the commercial break for their many tangents, because they all limit their critiques to one or two words.

I think Kady and Ramiele will be going home tomorrow night. Kady is just plain awful and Ramiele isn't memorable enough. None of them listened to my song suggestions, so they can all go down in flames for all I care. That'll learn 'em.

Before Seacrest signs off, Simon declares Amanda the best performance of the night, and the other two nod furiously in agreement. Ok, what is going on? Is Amanda blackmailing all of the judges?? Why the big push for her tonight? Fishy!


Bloody Awful Poetry said...

They should so make Michael Johns sing on ladies' night. They sooo should.
They should make Michael Johns sing 5 songs per show.Yeah.Yeah they soooo should.Because it all sucks carrots when he isn't performing.
Your recaps are absolutely the shytz, baby! (That's a good thing too)

Falwless said...

Even weirder, what crawled up Amanda's ass and died? Why did she look so tortured? She seemed so bothered by the whole affair, like do I have to do this? No, Amanda, you don't, and I wish you wouldn't. Goodbye.

I must say with the judges and the strangeness of the whole show tonight I felt like there was some big inside joke and I just wasn't one of the cool kids who were in on it.

I agree with your picks to leave - Kady is definitely gone and Ramiele didn't pull it off either. My backup choice is Kristy.

And your paragraph about Kady had me laughing aloud. Well done.

Gifted Typist said...

The two blondies Kady and Kristy Lee
should go. They're boring and Kady's performance made my ears bleed.

Didn't get the Jamless enthusiasm either.

Alice said...

i can't wait for the Jamless Conspiracy to break wide open, and we'll be all WE HEARD IT HERE FROM BECKEYE FIRST, FOLKS

Mike said...

I agree with your breakdown of the night.

Paula was a mess as usual. Randy needs rotator cuff surgery from patting himself on his back so much.

Jamless was lucky to have the background singers up really loud in the mix,it covered her warbling mid range.

Love is a battlefield was the best song of the night. At least it was done smartly and brought a new angle to the song. Of course Pauleeeeeer didnt get it and thought it "needed more band". CLUELESS!

Blondies need to get the trap door tonight.

Text talking Danny and Wake me up before you go go dude are also on the fast train to badsville.

The Guv'ner said...

Great post title miss:):)

Jeff Bridges was hot in "Thunderbolt and Lightfoot" but once the 70s ended so did the hot I feel.

I'd like to hear Simon sing Celine Dion. Take him down a peg or eleven.

CDP said...

I still think Jeff Bridges is awesome. Well done as usual.

Red said...

If Kady is around next week, God help me...

SkylersDad said...

Well done again! I like Brooke a lot because she doesn't play the game, just comes out and does her own thing(and she is cute as hell to me).

But I think that Carly is the best of the women.

Chancelucky said...

Kady wasn't good and if she wasn't going off because of that, the judges did all they could to make sure of it. It might backfire though.

My take is that Asiah Epperson might be a surprise victim.

Angell said...

Great re-cap. I actually thought Kady did a decent job, but that's cuz I've been to too many karaoke bars where people have just BUTCHERED it. But I definately agree on the no personality bit.

Kristy Lee was BORING. I CAN hear Faithfully as a country hit, but not by her.

I loved Amanda, but she's my chick - and I agree with the horrid song choice for Carly.

Brooke had no choice but to do something different with that - can you imagine if she had done it Pat's way- the whole audience doing that horrific group dance from teh video? Did Pauler choreograph that? :P

And I think ALL Divas should be banned from song lists - even if they covered a tune, it should be gone. No Mariah, no Whitney, no get where I'm going with this.

I'll say ciao to Kristy Lee and to Asia'h.

cube said...

Randy & Paula aren't helping the contestants at all when they give those idiotic assessments or whatever you call their useless prattle.

BTW I think the blonde K girls are going home... Kady & Kristy.
Perhaps they can start their own sit com... a wannabe country singer befriends a cyborg and hilarity ensues.

Sauntering Soul said...

I wanted to cry when Syesha started singing. I HATE that song. It's so whiny and grating.

I hope to see Kady and Kristy go bye bye tonight.

I'm with falwless. It seems the judges were in on something that no one else was aware of. I wish they'd start remembering these kids are trying to start their careers off. We don't give a rat's butt what the judges have done in their careers. Or at least I don't.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm thinking that during the DUI, it was really Drunky who was driving and Amanda took the rap for her. And then Drunky's obviously got something on the other two judges and that's why they are so readily agreeing with her. It's the big old karma circle.

Travis said...

Still a fan of Syesha.

cube said...

I was shocked to see Asia'h get the boot last night. I think picking a diva song did her in. Oh, when will these kids learn?

BeckEye said...

BAP - Now I'm thinking something completely inappropriate involving sucking, carrots and Michael.

Falwless - Yeah, if Amanda is so annoyed to be there, she can go back to changing bedpans and, probably, driving drunk.

GT - Didn't I tell you my two blondes theory?

Alice - I don't know exactly what the conspiracy is, but I know there is one.

Mike - Didn't I tell you my two blondes theory?

Guv - I bet Simon sings Celine songs while dancing around his kitchen in his skivvies.

CDP - Maybe Jeff Bridges should be a guest judge?

Red - You're in luck!

Skyler's Dad - Don't you think Brooke looks a lot like Rebecca DeMornay?

Chancelucky - Hmm, good guess on Asia'h. I never saw that one coming. Uh, maybe because it was BULLSHIT? Kristy Lee and Ramiele must have made a pact with Satan.

Angell - 1 out of 2 girls ain't bad!

Cube - Didn't I tell you my two blondes theory?

Sauntering Soul - Yeah, Paula and Randy act like they're the cool kids at the cool lunch table or something. If "cool" means "has-been," then they're right. Oh, and didn't I tell you my two blondes theory?

Barbara - It's possible. And I wouldn't doubt that Li-Lo was sleeping in the backseat at the time.

Travis - I'm not really feeling her, dawg.

Cube - I thought she handled her Whitney tune better than Syesha handled hers though. Once again, Asia'h getting booted was BULLSHIT!


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