Tuesday, March 04, 2008

American Idol 7: I Know What Boys Like

This week's totally bitchin' theme on American Idol is The '80s. Will the boys' performances make me wanna dance on the ceiling or jump (off the Brooklyn Bridge)?

Seacrest tells us that since everyone wore embarassing clothes in the '80s (as opposed to that high point in fashion known as the '70s), this week's interview theme is "Contestants' Most Embarassing Moments." Unfortunately, Ryno doesn't regale us with all of his funny tales about "accidentally" walking in on all of the boys (and Simon) in their dressing rooms.

First up is Luke Menard covering Wham's "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." Finally, we all get to hear what this song might have sounded like had Andrew Ridgeley been allowed to sing lead. Before his performance, Luke revealed that his older sister used to dress him up like a ballerina. I think it's safe to say that that's no longer the most embarassing moment in his life. I overshot last week when I suggested he might have been in Rockapella. He's like the missing member of The Wiggles. I mean, I would totally hire him to play at my kid's birthday party. Mostly because I don't have a kid. Randy and Paula try to be nice in anticipation of Simon's insultapalooza. Here it comes! Weak! Girly! There is no chance you'll make it through! YOU CAN'T WIN!! I have to agree. If you're a member of the voting public, choose death for Luke.

Here's Mistaarchuleta Mista Dave Archuleta, doing his gosh golly gee-whillikers routine and telling us about the time his mom had to finish a song for him at a fundraiser. Am I the only one who thinks it would be totally awesome to see that happen again? I like this kid well enough, I just think that would be funny. It would be like About A Boy: Part II meets Little Mister Sunshine. Anyway, on to the song. Say, when you think of the '80s, what's the first song that pops into your head? If you're anything like me, it's "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins! Totally rad! It's like the ultimate '80s tune!! Sheesh. Unsurprisingly, this is kind of drab. David sings well but I'm now distracted by his constant licking of his ginormous lips. Randy just says the performance is "nice." Paula is exceptionally incoherent tonight, which is obviously agitating Simon. Even though he seems a bit grumpy, he tells David that he's most likely going to coast into the Final 2.

Hey, Denise Richards is in the audience. They should ask her what her most embarassing moment was. Was it that time that she got caught screwing her best friend's ex-husband? Or when she whacked some lady in the head with her flying laptop? Ooh, no, I bet it was the time she tried to play a scientist in that one James Bond movie.

Danny Nori-Alba (nee Noriega) struts onstage to do an odd, pseudo-funk arrangement of Soft Cell's "Tainted Love." It's rather interesting, but after that Chris Daughtry/"I Walk the Line" controversy, I never assume that any of the contestants are responsible for an ounce of originality in their arrangements. This isn't the greatest performance ever, but I kind of like it. I don't know, I can't not like this kid. Danny really does have a good voice, but he still hasn't picked a song that can really showcase his vocals. I think he's more interested in being sassy. Randy's mostly positive critique devolves into a jumble of the words "mad," "baby," "bring it," and "yo," which makes Paula feel a little better for not being able to finish a sentence. Simon says the performance was "absolutely useless," prompting Danny to give him a half-Bullwinkle/what-ev-ah combo. Did someone say sassy?

David Hernandez gives a little TMI by telling the world that he had a crusty boog showing during a photo shoot once. Yeah, that'll get people to vote. He starts to sing "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," sending me into a sudden panic that I might actually be older than I think I am. Okay, so I realize that Jim Steinman wrote this song in the '80s for Meat Loaf, who chose not to record it at the time. But the fact that Celine Dion had a monster hit with it in the mid-'90s should preclude this song from being an option on '80s Night! David has a good voice but this just pisses me off. It's like he's dissing my decade! All the judges like David though, and no one bothers to mention that his time machine didn't go far enough back. This doofus needs a guide. Where the hell is George Carlin when you need him?

David Cook is supposed to be up now, but there are some "guitar problems." Seacrest switches up the order, and Michael Johns takes the stage.

Oh, finally. Michael Johns. He tells the sad story of getting beaten up by drunken hooligans during a rugby game down under, where he was acting as the kangaroo mascot. As I'm asking myself if it's possible to be any hotter for this guy, he breaks into Simple Minds' "Don't You (Forget About Me)!!" Yes! Michael is the only guy so far who has taken my song suggestion. Well, it was technically my third choice, but it was really the only viable option. As he's singing, I'm even more convinced that choosing an INXS tune would have been a big mistake for him, because he sounds more like Michael Hutchence right now than ever. Good Lord, this man is a delicious piece of eye and ear candy. What I wouldn't give to spend all day in detention with him. Randy agrees with me about the Michael Hutchence vibe. Paula has nothing to say, but can't stop talking. For once, I know how she feels. Simon likes the performance, but thinks Michael is capable of better. I would certainly like to learn more about his capabilities.

David Cook's guitar is finally fixed! Thank God, because I can't imagine "Hello" without some serious wailing. Huh? Hello? Why do you need an electric guitar to play this song? David answers this question by putting a cool, shoegazing spin on the song. I, again, wonder if David is responsible for the rockin' arrangement, but I can actually give him the benefit of the doubt. He seems pretty genuine. All of the judges are surprised and wowed by this performance, especially Simon. When Randy wonders aloud what Lionel Richie would think of David's take, Simon casually replies that he was in Whole Foods with Lionel over the weekend. Randy silently stews, trying to figure out how to subtly work in another mention that he knows Mariah Carey.

Jason Castro tells a dumb story about his dreadlocks before launching into Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." He's obviously going for the Jeff Buckley version, which is a major risk because not many singers can hold a candle to the guy. Jason seems like he's a little ahead of the music in some parts and he can't quite pull off some of the high notes, but overall I think he does a fair job. He's a good singer, even if he does make some really strange faces while singing. The judges are bowled over by this performance more than I expect. Simon is especially moved, and tells Jason that he keeps getting "bett-ah and bett-ah and bett-ah."

Closing out the evening is Chikezie with another song that was popularized in the '90s. I'm ready to pour some sugar on David Hernandez and Chikezie and throw them both on an anthill. Not only is Chikezie's choice from the wrong decade, but it's another of the gender-switch variety. Remember Syesha's "Me and Mr. Jones?" Well, this time Whitney Houston's "All The Man That I Need" becomes all the woman that Chikezie needs. He doesn't sound bad, but I'm miffed by this song choice and starting to get grossed out by Chikezie's giant gums. His teeth look about as big as Tic-Tacs. Maybe he should be singing "All The Teeth That I Need?" The judges are rather apathetic and seem anxious to get home.

After tonight, Luke Menard has to go home. Even if he becomes the new poster boy for Vote For the Worst (they've been backing Danny Noriega), he's so bland that I can't imagine him inspiring people to even vote for him for irony's sake. Danny's likability will take him to the Top 12. Chikezie or David Hernandez should be hearing the exit music along with Luke. I'll take a guess and say it will be David.

* * * * * *
ATTN: Michael Johns - Since you are the only finalist to use my song recommendation, you win a major prize! Due to the sensitive and confidential nature of this prize, you must collect it in person. Report to me immediately. And bring that kangaroo costume.

23 comments:

Dale said...

I think Luke could end up on VFTW after that piece o' crap!

I wonder what prize you're offering Mr. Johns? I just can't figure it out.

Falwless said...

Okay, Luke and Danielle Noriega need to go. Sorry, but I could not even stomach that take on Tainted Love, Danny. That was just horrid. And Luke, no man should sing that high for that prolonged amount of time. Ever. You lose.

It's weird that you mentioned little things like Archuleta licking his lips and Chikezie's miniscule choppers, because I was thinking those same freakin' things.

I must say, although Hernandez didn't dial him time machine far back enough, he's a damn good singer. And David Cook knocked that out of the park. I think Cook is the dark horse this season.

I say Luke and Danielle go home. Backup is Chikezie.

Falwless said...

P.S. Have I mentioned I love your recaps? You should be paid.

FranIAm said...

You know, I don't watch American Idol- have never seen a single episode! Gasp! It is true and I say this with some pride; please dear BeckEye and BeckEye-ites - do not pelt me with rocks and garbage!

That said, I find a delicious and almost addictive need to follow your posts about this program.

Even not having seen one moment of this, I found your write up hilarious.

And it does make me want to take a peek!

Scott Booker said...

Even though Luke is a Hometown boy for me...he HAS to go!!

And I am hoping that either Danny and/or Jucuzzi goes home as well. I actually like David H's voice...and hope he sticks around a little longer.

CDP said...

Excellent!

Red said...

Hilarious!

Luke and Chikezie should go home. Please! All of the six other guys are really good. Would make for a great half of the top 12.

LOVE David Cook. He's super sexy. Was freaked out about D. Hernandez and the Celine Dion song, too (though it was hilarious he sang this the week after we all found out he's maybe, probably gay).

I like Danny N. He does have a great voice. Just needs to dial back the sass and sing. And he totally looks and gesticulates like a girl. I'm actually kinda jealous of his hair.

Until tonight!

Sauntering Soul said...

Mmmmm Michael Johns. Love him!!

Danny Noriega makes me want to claw my eyes out. Why did he have to speak in text? That made me want to strangle him.

Luke should definitely go.

I could have gone my whole life without hearing David Hernandez talk about his flaky booger hanging out of his nose.

Great recap!

Gifted Typist said...

Yup, Lantern Jaw Luke has to go.
Ditto Danny Panamanian Dictator. His head-swivelling I'm-so-gay-I'm-gay act is starting to grate.

Pleasantly surprised by guitar-strummin' David Cook and Dread Boy.
Still liking Hernanadez.
Michael Hutchence is eye candy but not sure if his talent matches is fantabulous looks.

BeckEye, if you have second thoughts 'bout him, can I have him?


And yes, wasn't Drunky exceptionally incoherent last night.

Chancelucky said...

Great recap Beckeye. I'm still puzzled about why they gave Chikezie the pimp spot. I also agree about Jason Castro....he was okay but why did the judges go so over the top with him. All I can figure is they told him to lose the guitar so he obeyed.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You mean Drunkie didn't like the crusty booger sad story? What is wrong with that woman?

Mike said...

Hilarious recap. Scary you would notice C's chicklet size teeth. I thought the exact same thing

" I dont care how good he sings..those choppers are friggin distracting!".

I think Andrew Ridgley wannabeeee is history.

Now...what will Amanda "Oversinger" have up her sleeve?

Angell said...

Been reading all the recaps - but have to comment cuz I was just as confuzzled when David H got up and sang that song. It shouldnt have even been ON the list. It was horrendous. He's got a great voice, but man, he HAS to do something with it.

I sense Danny & Chickeze going home (or is that wishful thinking?)

Bluez said...

WHAT possesed David H to talk about his booger? That was just wrong. I agree with flawless however I think Danny is another Sanjaya and will be around for a while longer. Chicklet teeth is next...

Bluez said...

and Luke of course.....

I loved David Cooks cover of "Hello". I'd buy it.

damn there's a whole lotta Davids in this competition....

katrocket said...

I think Chikezie may have once worked as "Isaac, Your Bartender".

BeckEye said...

Dale - I'm sure there's a Breakfast Club hot beef injection joke somewhere in there.

Falwless - You and I must have an oral fixation. Unfortunately, we fixate on gross mouths. And I'm trying to figure out a way to get paid for this nonsense. But, knowing me, once it became a "job" I'd hate it.

FranIAm - Thanks for the mad props, dawg. You should check it out, at least for Michael Johns. Or just watch his spots on YouTube.

Scott - I wonder if Luke will receive a hero's welcome when he returns to your hometown??

CDP - Party on, dudette.

Red - David Cook isn't nearly sexy as Michael Huminahuminahumina. See, I can't even finish that thought. I'm awash in drool.

Sauntering Soul - ONYD! Yeah, I don't know what I'm saying. I didn't notice that Danny spoke in text.

GT - You can be sure I will not have second thoughts about Michael. You can have D-Hern and his boogs.

Chancelucky - Thanks. Yes,the judges like when the kids listen to whatever they say. And then they usually contradict themselves again. I was half expecting everyone to go, "We liked you better with the guitar," and then Jason's head would've exploded.

Barbara - I never said she didn't enjoy it. I think she might be the only one who did. She likes to stick her finger straight up her nose. Heh.

Mike - Chicklets are actually much too big. He's got little nubbins.

Angell - I guess for '90s week (if there is one) songs that were just released yesterday will be allowed. Close enough!

Bluez - You never talk about religion, politics or boogers. Everyone knows that. Or so I thought.

Katrocket - Ha ha...yes, he may have! I think he was mixing Paula drinks all night.

Barbara said...

Becky...I don't have the guts to make the comment I want to make but it involves that Australian and contains the words down and under.

LisaB said...

"Totally Rad!" That's so funny! I haven't heard that in such a long time...probably not since high school. I think I'm starting to like the 80's again because of you.

Bond said...

Actually watched last night... LUKE is a gonner...other than that...It could be one of the others you mentioned..OR...Danny...

Travis said...

I like Cook, Archuletta, and Michael.

Please don't kill me or ban me from your blog. I like Luke and hope he makes top 12.

Gifted Typist said...

BeckEye,
Thanks, but Me. No. Want. D-Hern. Boogers.
Me. Want. Michael. Hutchence. Look. A. Like.

Please?

Movie Maven said...

David sings well but I'm now distracted by his constant licking of his ginormous lips.

Ex. Act. Ly. Like...get some Burt's Bees, kid.

You are SO right on about so many things...I wish I would watch the show in real time with you and my little sister (who is physically angered by this season). The snark would be too, too much.

 

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