Tuesday, March 25, 2008

American Idol 7: Michael Johns Was Born to Be My Baby (I Don't Know About the Other Na Na Na Nine)

As I mentioned yesterday, tonight's theme on AI is "Songs From the Year You Were Born." I keep wishing that I could sing so that my old ass could get on this show and impress everyone with my stirring rendition of "Bad Bad Leroy Brown." Actually, I would probably pick either "Little Willy" or "D'Yer Mak'er." Or maybe I would show some true originality and combine them for something along the lines of Oh, oh oh oh oh oh, Little Willy won't go-ho ho ho ho home. I promise you all now that you haven't heard the last of me! I will make it to the "Best of the Worst" special next year!

Randy and Paula are both sick and hoarse tonight. Hmm. I wonder if they were making out like there's no tomorrow? I bet Paula has hickeys all over her arms, which is why she's wearing those weird leather "arm casts" with the little wrist tiaras. Where is Christian Siriano when I need him? I can't tell if that look is fierce or if it's a hot tranny mess.

Ramiele Malubay is up first and no one seems to notice that she's dressed like Eponine from Les Miserables. The little twit defies me immediately. Remember when I told her not to sing Heart's "Alone?" Yeah, well guess what she's singing. I mean, guess what she's screaming. Er, I mean, guess what she's screaming off-key. Luckily for everyone, the background singers are really drowning her out during the chorus. The judges all look at her as if she just bludgeoned the Wilson sisters right in front of them. Good for her. This is what she gets for disregarding my advice. Randy immediately brings up Carly's superior version of this song earlier in the season but, surprisingly, no one mentions how Carrie Underwood completely kicked that song's ass during her season. Simon doesn't have much to say. Paula tries to force everyone to take pity on Ramiele because she's supposedly sick too. Wow, THIS IS THE SICKEST TOP 10 EVER!!

Go Jason, go Castro, it's your birthday, it's your birthday! The dreadlocked wonder celebrates his b-day by singing that '80s party classic, "Fragile" by Sting. Uh huh. I like Jason because he has a nice voice, and I'll be damned if he doesn't look more and more like Barbarino every day, but this is just so dull. Why would he pick this song?? One alternate that I almost picked for him was Sting's "We'll Be Together," which would have been much more fun. Anything would have been more fun than this. It's not bad, but he's just like some dude playing guitar in the quad in between classes or something. Randy and Paula are appropriately lukewarm about the performance and offer up a few meaningless words. Simon, on the other hand, is actually helpful and tries to impress upon Jason the importance of taking this competition a little more seriously. When Ryan asks Jason if he's taking it seriously, he does that goofy goober smile that everyone loves and is like, "eeeeee...yeeeeeeeah?" Well, I can't fault him for that. This is American Idol, not SxSW.

Syesha Mercado is up next and out come the earplugs. This will be loud. I almost fall off my chair when she doesn't sing a Whitney song, but quickly regain my balance when I find out that she's doing the Stephanie Mills version of a Gladys Knight song, "If I Were Your Woman." Men, if Syesha was your woman you would surely be deaf by now. Look, this is all in key and she has a nice voice, but I could hear this same performance from about 200 other wannabe divas. She bores me. Randy and Paula give her way too much credit, while Simon gives her just about the right amount by letting her know she's the best so far but that "we're only three in." My thoughts exactly.

Chikezie forgets that he developed a personality over the last couple of weeks and trudges through Brenda Russell's "If Only For One Night." Oh, if only for one night, no one was allowed to sing these cookie-cutter ballads. That would be wonderful. Much like Syesha before him, Chikezie's vocals sound perfectly fine but he is putting everyone to sleep. The Dawg opens with a "What's going down," and you know what that means! He does not love it. Paula talks until it's Simon's turn, and he blasts Ka-cheezy's lack of originality.

Someone finally takes my advice! Brooke White picks one of my "alternate" song selections, The Police's "Every Breath You Take." She has a false start, starts again and it sounds really nice with just her and the piano. Then, in the middle, the band comes in and ruins everything. Randy and Simon both feel the same way. They think she would've been better off just keeping it simple. For some reason, all the judges talk about how wonderful she is for flubbing the beginning. Apparently, starting off on the wrong note and correcting yourself is super-professional and ultra-hip.

Let the drooling begin - it's Michael Johns. He's wearing a skull cap in his pre-performance video. Wow, that's so gosh-darn cute. His baby pictures are cute. He also looks like he has some cute brothers. I bask in the glow of all this cuteness until I find out that Michael is going against my advice and taking on Queen's "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions." I'm not mad at him though. He knows he can handle it. I was a little concerned that the judges would give him a hard time for doing this after he already did "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood week, but as he starts rocking it out I can see that no one is going to have anything bad to say about this performance. (No one who doesn't want me to kick their can all over the place, anyway.) Luckily, he gets away from "We Will Rock You" pretty quickly, because it's not really a good vocal showcase. His vocals during "We Are the Champions" are hot. I always warn these Idols against covering Freddie Mercury unless they're sure they can bring even half of Freddie's charisma, and this is a perfect example of someone who has it. All the judges acknowledge Michael's "it factor" and finally stop griping that he never picks the right songs. The crowd goes wild. The Earth moves. The sky comes tumbling down. My heart starts trembling. My ovaries explode.

Since the AI studio is already a powder keg giving off sparks, it's only fitting that Carly Smithson follows Michael's saucy display with Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Carly gets points for sort of listening to me too, as this was one of my alternate picks for her. (This also fulfills my weekly need for a dose of Jim Steinman drama.) Carly sounds great, as usual, but every now and then even the best singers fall apart, and she really jacks up the ending. She conjures up some weird note that I've never heard in my life and shrieks like she's swinging from a vine. That note is enough to sour Randy and Simon on the entire performance, but since Paula has no idea what notes are, she proclaims that Carly can do no wrong.

David Archuleta sings "You're The Voice," a song no one has ever heard by a songwriter no one knows. Way to go, kid! Actually, he sounds good and I'm glad he did something uptempo. Still, it's just kind of "eh" for me. This is one of those annoying "Life is great, so let's all love each other" message songs that makes me want to choke someone. Randy also doesn't like the song but praises David's "mad skillz," while Paula says something that sounds like, "zippity glorp glop." Meanwhile, Simon comes up with one of his best critiques in a while. Not content to stop at the "theme park" comparison, he tells David that this is like some "ghastly song" that you would perform with "animated creatures" dancing around. Heh heh. Yeah, Archuleta Enchanted.

Kristy Lee Cook proves that she's smarter than she looks by deciding to sing Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the USA." Is there a more hokey song? I think it might be slightly less hokey than the "Hokey Pokey," but not by much. You put your cowgirl boots in, you whip a patriotic song out, you put your blonde hair in barrettes and you shake it all about. You sing about our country to ensure you don't get thrown out. And that's what it's all about. Simon calls Kristy's song choice "clever," adding that it will definitely keep her in the competition for another week. No kidding. Dubya will probably declare war on Hollywood if she gets voted off this week.

Closing things out is David Cook, who's not my lover. He's just a guy who says that he is the one who will sing a Jacko song. Well, sort of. David chooses to sing the Chris (yum) Cornell version of "Billie Jean," a move that really irks me. He's becoming too one-dimensional and is turning into Daughtry: Part II. (Except that he actually gives the artists he covers proper credit.) He sounds good, as he always does, but it annoys me that the judges praise him so heavily for being "original" when there was nothing original about the performance! David didn't have to come up with a new "rock" arrangement for the song. Chris Cornell already did it for him. The more the judges blather on about how brave and brilliant David is, the more aggravated I get. It's not that brave or difficult to cover a cover. It is brave, however, to show your baby pictures on national TV, in which you look like that Batman villain, Egghead.

So, Bottom Three this week? It has to be Jason, Chikezie and Ramiele. Jason is too cute and likeable to go, so it's between Chikezie and Ramiele. Since Chikezie had two good weeks in a row before tonight, and Ramiele's just been kind of floundering, I think she will finally make her exit tomorrow night.

Whatever happens tomorrow night, could someone please make sure Michael finally gets around to singing "Kiss You All Over?" Cut out the damn medley and just let him sing.


Turnbaby said...

damn girl--I've cleaned out my Reader specifically so I could always read the good stuff first. YOU are a basis for that.

THANK YOU for not drinking the DC Koolaid


Mike said...

laughed like a goof when KLC whipped out that stale warhorse of a song! It is vote gold. Off key "proud to be a American" screams Homer Simpson all the way! U.S.A! U.S.A!

Michael must have inspired blisters on your fingers from voting furiously. Yes, he is your champion my friend!

I liked the CC ripped off Billie Jean arrangement. Worked for me.

Travis said...

**puts on Kevlar helmet with face shield and prepares to dive in foxhole**

I did not care for your guy this week. David Cook is the real deal.

**ducks and covers**

Bloody Awful Poetry said...

Whoa. Dude. I completely and utterly forgot that American Idol is (was?) on today. Sheeewt...Until i checked your blog to see what piece of bloggedy genius you've posted this time, and the I went all "Why has she put up a recap? What DAY is it????OHMIGAWSHIES".

But yes, I've realized, just in time. That today is Wednesday.

And may I say that the abolute shyzziest bestest part of this year's Idol is reading your recaps every week. They totally make my day, woman. I bow down before you.

fran said...

Yer boy was finally sounding good instead of just looking good!

Kristy Lee WINS. This may be the first time someone has been the most impressive contestant without even opening her mouth. GENIUS.

David Cook is my favorite contestant by far...but he's pulled the "Hello" trick twice now...he can't pull it again.

I'm afraid Carly is going to be the recipient of the Tamyra Gray Memorial Award For Owning Everyone Vocally But Going Home Early Anyway (the T.G.M.A.F.O.E.V.B.G.H.E.A.) Probably not this week, but soon. I will be happy to lick her wounds. Yes, I said wounds.

David Archuleta will be eventually undone by his stunningly bad taste in music.

Should be final three: Kristy Lee, Ramiele, Syesha.

Will be final three: Ramiele, Carly, Chikezie.

Barbara - Layla said...

I loved David Cook! I actually liked his version better than Chris C's but dang is Chris C hot.

Anyhow, I really should keep my opinion to myself since I don't even watch the show. All I know for sure is that Paula is an embarrassment to herself.

doorknob_dan said...

Who ARE these people?!?

Are they politicians? Who should I vote for again? Where's Obama?

Mathdude said...

Another excellent AI recap! I got Chikezie, Christy Lee, and Carly for my bottom 3 with Chickezie going home. We'll see who's the bigger AI authority now, won't we?

Alice said...

your boy sounded GOOD! i don't have the heart (HA!) to listen to Ramiele's performance, so i'll take your word for it and hope she's chucked.

Red said...

David Cook was brilliant! I agree, I kinda wish he'd come up with his own arrangements, but, c'mon, is there anyone on this show who will sell more records? I think not.

MJ was delicious tonight, but my heart still belongs to Mr. Cook.

Scott Booker said...

I will agree with Most of this! :)

And I am good with your bottom three....I am just afraid that Brooke isnt going to get enough votes. But I love her!

and I am a David C fan....no matter what. But I agree with your cover of a cover of a cover comment. :)

Scott Booker said...

Also...I did think that your Michael did a GREAT job this week.

Bluez said...

It was a cover of a cover but a damn good one! He blew me away.

BooRad said...

Brooke turns a stalking song into something resembling Kumbaya...she does know what the song is about doesn't she?.I like Carly but she is just working too damn hard for every single note.David A....oh the humanity. The 80's called Paula, return the gloves....and how funny/awful would it be if MJ got voted off and had to sing out with We Are the Champions.

katrocket said...

Micheal Johns reminds me a lot of a young Tim Daly. Were you a Wings fan? (the TV show, not the band.)

OldGuy said...

"Zippety glorp glop." I love it !

r cubed said...

Perfect recap except--and I'm hiding behind travis as I say this--I'm so over michael johns. I didn't like his singing and he sounded like kind of a dick of a kid.
Brooke & Cook should win this, but I don't know if they can pull the screaming girls off little Davie.

DrillerAA said...

Are you volunteering to stand next to Michael when he sings "Kiss You All Over"?
Is he going to hear those little explosions?
I don't think the judges are necessarily stating that DC's arrangements are original, rather that he does take the arrangement road less traveled. Blake would have done the MJ version, splashed a little beat-box on it, done the moon walk and called it a day.

Gifted Typist said...

The Kristy Lee song choice was downright cynical and it will guarantee her another week.

I wonder what will explode if Michael Johns is the Next American Idol

Bottom three: Ramiele, Chikeze Jason

BeckEye said...

Turnbaby - Thanks, doll. I have a few sips of David's Kool aid now and then, but I drink Michael's milkshake. And the minute I wrote that I thought it sounded completely disgusting, but nothing involving Michael is disgusting. The filthier, the better when it comes to that boy.

Mike - Yes, my fingers are worn out after watching Michael. I didn't vote though. Ba-dum-bum. I am on a filthy roll!!

Travis - I'll launch my grenade when you least expect it.

BAP - You FORGOT??? What, do you have a LIFE or something?? Well, as long as you still make time to read my recaps, you can miss the show. That's fine. But please watch the Michael YouTubage. Repeatedly. In slo-mo. But always remember that he's mine.

Fran - What's this "finally" business? Michael looks good, sounds good, and I'm sure he smells and tastes good too. Always. But anyway...yes, Kristy Lee is a wily one. I'm sure she was upset when she learned that she wouldn't be able to sing "Amazing Grace" every week in the competition, but then the patriotic dreck fell into her lap. How lucky for her that she was born in 1984.

Barbara - I don't really like the Chris Cornell version, even though he is undeniably hot. It just amazes me how stupid the judges can be to praise someone for being so original for covering someone else's original take on a classic song. Oddballs, all of 'em.

Dan - Kristy Lee might end up singing "I've Got a Crush on Obama" next week, so go ahead and vote for her.

Mathdude - Yes. We'll see.

Alice - Yes he did. And he looked like sex on a stick. As always.

Red - Maybe David would sell more albums, but vibrator sales have gone through the roof since Michael's been on the show.

Scott - I love that everyone calls him MY Michael. You're all so well trained.

Bluez - I like the guy, I just don't see any reason to crap my pants over him, like Paula did. I think that's why she couldn't sit down.

Boorad - I'll pretend that you didn't even joke about Michael leaving the show this early in the game.

Katrocket - You're about the 3rd person I've heard compare Michael to Tim. I definitely see the resemblence. Michael's much hotter though. And I'm not a fan of Wings the band or the show but strangely enough, I was always more of a Steven Weber gal. I suppose that's proof that Michael doesn't look THAT much like Tim.

Oldguy - English is her 2nd language. I haven't figured out what the 1st is.

R Cubed - Aw, Michael seemed like a typical kid! I loved the way he said he would flip over the card table if he lost a game. He'd fit right in with my family when we play games at Christmas. It usually ends in violence. Reason #459 that he and I should get married.

Drilleraa - No, I don't want to stand next to him. I want to be on him.

GT - Actually, my head would explode. I don't want him to win. I just want him to stick around for as long as possible so that I may gaze upon his glorious form every week. But winning would be bad. Winning is for saps who could never make it on their own. (See: David Archuleta.)

Slave to the dogs said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that David Cook was one ugly baby. And what, you expect idiots like these judges to follow Chris Cornell's music? Tsk tsk, dear.

DC and MJ were the best last night, by far. I think it will be an all-boy final 3 this year between those 2 and DA.

Kristi Mantoni said...

**borrowing the Kevlar helmet from Travis**

I'm not a fan of your guy either but you already know that. I really don't think he was anywhere near Freddy. He wasn't even anywhere near his own performance of BR during Hollywood week. Don't worry, I'm sure he's safe until after Idol Gives Back...then they're giving HIM back to Australia! LOL

You asked about Pot and Pans. It's from her MySpace page (http://www.myspace.com/ramiele) in the about blurb. She says a few words and then signs off with this: pOts and pAns BlitChes fcUk wId It!

I have no idea way. The guys over at VFTW found it and I liked it...a lot, just ask my husband. I've been known to blurt it out at odd times...very loudly. I just shortened it to Pots and Pans.

cube said...

It's just not as much fun without Amanda *sigh*

Moxie said...

I love your new lyrics to "Hokey Pokey." That godawful song "God Bless the USA" is one I will always associate with awful karaoke singers. Ugh ugh and ugh.

genn6 said...

looks like some of those kids got your post about what songs they should and shouldn't do. I had to groan when your boy started the Queen song...he totally defied you. ;(


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