Tuesday, April 01, 2008

American Idol 7: Idols in the Stream

Yee-haw! Get along, little bloggies...it's country night on AI. Everyone's favorite one-woman jugg band, Dolly Parton, stopped by to mentor the young'uns. And ain't she just cuter 'n a possum sniffin' shit in Ju-ly? Dolly offers up her songs to the Top 9 along with some of her sage, backwoods advice. Stuff like:

  • find the emotional core of your song and connect with it
  • remember that there is no such thing as unnecessary plastic surgery
  • never eat at Kenny Rogers Roasters
The contestants all pour themselves a cup of ambition as Simon yawns and stretches and tries to come to life. Country night has never been Si's favorite, but the Coke cups are in place and filled with moonshine, so he's fixin' to have a good time. Giddyup!

Kicking things off is Brooke White singing "Jolene," a song that I always associate with my childhood idol, Olivia Newton-John. Brooke doesn't cover the song nearly as well as Dolly or ONJ and, for the first time, comes off as a bit fake to me. Starting with her decision to wear a cowgirl shirt and pigtails to meet Dolly, and ending with her forced affectation of a country twang - she is just on my nerves tonight. She looks really uncomfortable too, sitting there all hunched over her guitar with that deer-in-headlights expression. I'm disappointed. Randy is upset for a minute that he can't use his new favorite word, "stellar," until he realizes he can just throw a "not" in front of it. Paula claims that Brooke is consistent, while Simon delivers the message that I'm yelling at the TV - Brooke was consistent, but she totally lost all emotion and authenticity tonight. Brooke says, "Okay. Okay. Okay. What? Hi! Yeahhhh. Heyyy. Okay. Okay. Okay. What about the fiddle player? Oh, Simon! Okay. Hmm? Okay. Okay. Okay." Looks like it's time for a new nickame, folks! Brooke White will henceforth be known as Babbling Brooke.

Ryan Seacrest brings out David Cook to chat a bit before his performance. This is totally spontaneous. He just wants to see what's up with David. What should they talk about? Ryan obviously doesn't have any questions planned. Because he's so brilliant in these unscripted situations, he comes up with a great question about David's song arrangements over the last few weeks. David's like, "Oohhhh, yeah! That! Gee, I've been meaning to mention this. All my arrangements come from the Internetz. Thanks Seattle band who complained about my cover of your cover of 'Elanor Rigby.' But it wasn't totally your cover either, so suck it." David then comes up with his own arrangement of "Little Sparrow," which should shut all of the naysayers up, because it sounds great. Randy yo-yo-yos, Paula blah-blah-blahs and Simon once again reveals his hatred for winged creatures. He moaned about Carly's cover of "Blackbird" during Beatles hell week, and now he tells David that if he can make a song about sparrows good, he deserves to be congratulated. Strange. I thought Ryan was the only one on the show who doesn't like birds.

Ramiele Malubay takes the stage to ask us, "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?" Only when I'm writing my recaps, my dear. She's not bad, but she can't hit the high notes and her Sailor Moon costume is annoying me. Randy and Paula just nod and say mildly polite things. Simon sails in with his "cruise ship" insult and lets Ramiele know that no one will remember this in 10 years. Ouchie. Well, the truth hurts. My roommate illustrates Simon's point by asking me, "What's her name again?"

Jason Castro comes out to shoot the breeze with Seacrest, and Ryan shows Jason some of his fan mail. There are a bunch of postcards full of lovey-dovey, sweet nothings sent by the same girl. (Falwless, I know they were from you!) Jason just makes that face as if to say either, "Oh gawrsh I'm so embarassed," or "God, I am so stoned right now." Then he picks up his guitar and does a nice version of "Travelin' Thru." It's not earth-shattering or anything, but if you take away those dreads and the guitar and squint a little, it's like watching a twentysomething John Travolta performing on The Dinah Shore Show. He gets cuter and Travoltalier every week, so my soft spot for him just keeps getting softer. Randy and Paula both like the performance, but Simon doesn't like it at all. I don't think Jason cares what any of them think right now because he has a serious case of the munchies.

Here comes Carly Smithson, who's turning the fun, cutesy song "Here You Come Again" into a watered-down Celine-ish ballad. I feel like I keep saying the same thing about Carly every week. There's no denying that she has one hell of a voice, but there's just something missing. I think she might be too much technique and not enough heart. She hits a lot of the big, loud notes, which is all she needs to do to make The Dawg howl. He loves it. Paula blabbity blahs about how everything Carly touches turns to gorgeous, but Simon complains that Carly's wardrobe is anything but. The man's got a point. The stylists aren't doing Carly any favors with those horrific ensembles.

David Archuleta dredges up some "Smoky Mountain Memories," despite having grown up near the Wasatch Mountains. David hasn't been wowing me lately, but I have to give this boy props tonight. He is ON. He's the best that I've heard him since that great Hollywood audition of Bryan Adams' "Heaven." The idiot pit's arms never seem to get tired, and the judges never tire of little Davey. I think that Randy and Paula are planning to get married so that they can legally adopt him. Having Paula for a mother would guarantee David a lifetime of crazy, but she can't be worse than his real-life stage dad from hell.

I knew that Kristy Lee Cook would choose "Coat of Many Colors" tonight, because what could be a more perfect follow up to last week's manipulative, maudlin, barf-o-riffic display of God lovin' patriotism than a God lovin' poor-girl anthem? This is a great song, but I so don't buy it coming from Kristy. I mean, with her fashion sense, she probably would think that a coat made out of rags was fierce, but an upper-middle class gal with a stable full of horses shouldn't be singing songs of the poor and downtrodden. Give me a break. Still, it is country week and, as Randy points out, that is her wheelhouse, so the performance is about as good as you can expect from KLC. Randy and Paula think this is Kristy's best so far. Simon enjoyed last week's exercise in redneckery much better, and calls this performance "pleasant but forgettable." I agree with them both - it's her best and it's utterly forgettable. So, what does that say about her star potential? Vanna White is in the audience...maybe she can counsel Kristy on some other career options.

Who here didn't guess that Syesha Mercado would be singing "I Will Always Love You" tonight? Raise your hand. Now, take that hand and slap yourself silly. I mean, come on. If the definition of "predictable" could be boiled down to one action, this would be it. One slight surprise is her decision to do it a little bit Dolly and a little bit Whitney...which results in a whole lot of a mess. The arrangement sucks; it goes from zero to shrieky in about 20 seconds. Good God. The end is causing me physical pain. Syesha, how about hitting some actual notes instead of just screaming? Not even The Dawg, who loves it loud, is that impressed. He gives it much more credit than it deserves and Paula yadda yaddas her way in one of my bloody ears and right out the other. Simon understates the obvious, that Syesha's cover paled in comparison to either of the best-known versions. I know that I'm pale after listening to it.

I go from pale to flush in the instant that Michael Johns appears, charming and luscious as ever. He pours his sultry, soulful sauce all over "It's All Wrong But It's All Right," and believe me, it's neither wrong nor just all right. I am honestly surprised that I'm not passed out on the floor right now in a puddle of my own saliva because he is just unbearably hot. I could do without the weird ascot (and the rest of his clothes, while we're at it) but everything else about this performance is perfect. Who wouldn't want this guy to sing this to them: "Hello, are you free tonight?/I like your looks, I love your smile/Could I use you for a while?/It’s all wrong, but it’s all right." I fail to see anything remotely wrong with that scenario. I...I...huminahuminahuminahumina. I've officially lost the ability to use words and make sense. I'm now Paula. Oh, thank God the cameraman showed Michael's wife again. She's always a buzz kill. I can continue now. Whew. Okay. So, the judges love Michael tonight, as any normal person would. My obsession with him is now completely out of control. It may be all wrong, but I'm assuming that it's all right with him or he wouldn't have sung that song. Well, I know what country song I'll be singing all week. It's my own spin on a Big & Rich neo-classic, "Save a Horse, Ride an Aussie."

I'm spent. But I'll use one last burst of energy to make predictions. The Bottom 3 this week are Syesha, Ramiele and Brooke. That first spot is a killer! Brooke will stay though. Either Syesha or Ramiele is going home. Dare I guess again that Ramiele will be booted? Every time I do, she cruises through like she belongs here or something. Decisions, decisions.

Okay, Ramiele's out. And this time I mean it.


DrillerAA said...

Did I hear little explosions at the end of the show tonight? Just asking!

Angie said...

I promise I didn't read your reviews before I wrote mine, but we had many of the same thoughts, as usual. Yours, however, are 3 million times more witty. You crack my shit up! (I just typed that out loud. I AM a nerd!)

I liked Brooke more than you, but I must say, Babbling Brooke? Perfect!

Sailor Moon! ha ha ha ha ha ha I want her gone.

Carly's Celine channeling is wearing on me. Yeah, yeah. She can sing. I don't like her like everyone says I should.

If Sailor Moon doesn't go, I want Syesha gone. If Syesha doesn't go, I want Kristy gone.

Michael Johns is mine and you can't have him.

Great recap!

Bloody Awful Poetry said...

I'm spent.
I cannot think of anything witty or relevant or remotely intelligent to say.
Well technically I'm not actually saying anything. I'm typing it.
But thanks yous Beckeyes. Yours recaps are the shyzzes, as usuals.=)

And yes, your word verification codes are waaa-hey longer than on other people's blogs. It's too early in the morning for me to concentrate this hard.

Chancelucky said...

Did Dolly offer any remoteful helpful advice to any of the contestants? Totally agree about Carly Smithson, there's something missing.
Ramiele and Kristy Lee both appear to be indestructible. What happens if they both land in the bottom 3?

My guess is we wont' get the chance though.

Red said...

"I thought Ryan was the only one on the show who doesn't like birds." hahaha. Hilarious!

I say Syesha is gonzo.

Ian said...

Wow. You and I made the exact same prediction about the Bottom 3 and elimination. Personally, I'd rather have Syesha go and Ramiele stay, but almost nothing has gone my way on the show this year.

Falwless said...

My postcards from Colorado made it!!!! YESSSS!!!11


Coaster Punchman said...

Well, you do have to admit that this season does have the best talent to grace the show yet. I think Brooke will remain in the top 6, however. I think Kristi will go back to her rightful spot in the B-3; whatever fans she had after last week's flag waving will have become complacent. Or at least we can hope.

Jason's fans will rally after last week's unfortunate accident. I like him more every week too, and I thought he was perfect tonight. Simon can bite me.

Gifted Typist said...

I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. BeckEye Johns.
Your lust aside (I'm know, c'est impossible!) Mr. Johns really did steal the show last night and I only saw one cut-to shot of the wife.

BTW, I'm lovin' Si's crankiness. It's brings cosmic balance to Paula's "blah blahs" and Randy's hackneyed cliches

The Troll said...

The whole "arrangement controversy" regarding Cook is just silly. None of the arrangements he's borrowed from were 120 seconds long or performed the way he did.

CDP said...

Highlarious as always. Tony Kornheiser said on the radio this morning regarding Dolly Parton (he does an AI recap every week, too) that "nothing good can come from an association with Kenny Rogers, whether you're a person or a chicken". Bwah!

cube said...

Sailor Moon outfit...lol! I think Ramiele is going bye bye.

SkylersDad said...

Brooke is actually my favorite, but I keep finding myself saying shut up, just shut up!

My pick for the bottom feeders are Ramiele, Syesha and Jason.

Kristy seems to have video tape of somebody.

r cubed said...

Babbling Brooke! Perfect. I love her singing, but she must stop talking.

I hope you're right about Ramiele going home.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Okay girl, you need to lie back for a while and smoke a cigarette or something. Seriously, don't even try to stand up for a bit or you'll just get dizzy.

Bond said...

Sheesh...this Michael Johns thing is just a tad out of control...LOL

I liked David Cook last night as he broke away from the C.D. syndrome

Ramiele has the ethnic vote Syesha goes home

Alice said...

"Strange. I thought Ryan was the only one on the show who doesn't like birds." BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA.

mj's performance was pretty fackin' fantastic, no joke. yum.

i had to watch ramiele just so i could get a gander at her outfit :-)

BooRad said...

This really is crazy....my first thoughts now after watching Michael Johns perform are "i wonder what BeckEye thought of that"....myself, I liked David Cook the best....he came off like
someone performing in front of an audience rather than someone trying to win a talent show....

Mathdude said...

I got Syesha, Ramiele, and Kristy Lee in my bottom 3 with Syesha going home! We'll see.

BeckEye said...

Drilleraa - It was more of a sonic boom.

Angie - Since Michael dances like Elaine Benes, I will borrow one of her lines to warn you to stay away from him: I'll drop you like a sack of dirt.

BAP - How's this for word verification? michaeljohnsistheshyzzes

Chancelucky - I wish they would put me on that show. They need a mentor who will actually give them good constructive criticism. And Michael Johns needs a little sumptin-sumptin.

Red - The "Ryan is gay but he doesn't know it" jokes never seem to get old.

Ian - I think Syesha will be gone soon too.

Falwless - You go, fangirl!

CP - Simon can bite me too. I wish he would. (Shh, don't tell Michael I said that.)

GT - Yes! Thank you. Now I can print out this page and show it to his so-called "real wife." A marriage performed via blog comment trumps all!

Troll - I think people are just on edge ever since the whole Chris Daughtry/Johnny Cash/Live incident. David will be fine.

CDP - My favorite episode of "Seinfeld" is the one about the Kenny Rogers Roasters. Go figure.

Cube - Yep, little Sailor Moon sailed off into the sunset, er, abyss.

Skylers Dad - It's a video of Michael and I. She likes to watch.

R Cubed - Brooke reminds me a bit of Phil Stacy in that she doesn't know when to stop talking or, more importantly, stop kissing ass and acting like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

Barbara - I had a carton.

Bond - Oh, you ain't seen out of control yet.

Alice - Was I wrong? She totally looked like an anime character.

Boorad - You know, I love this. I read a lot of blogs whose authors will now mention me when they mention Michael. It's like we belong together. Either that or they find my obsession hilarious.

Mathdude - Haha! I outpredicted you this time!


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine