American Idol 7: Michael Johns Will Always Be My Baby

Tonight, I had the choice between watching Mariah Carey's turn as mentor on AI or her star turn in Glitter. Sadly, Netflix had no copies of Glitter left. Apparently, they just can't keep it in stock. I'm considering just going out for a walk, but I think I'm too depressed about the whole Glitter thing. So, it looks like you lucky kids get another recap.

My depression soon turns to rage when Fauxhawky McGee does exactly what I predicted he would. He sashays out to the edge of the stage to remind everyone about Michael Johns' shocking elimination last week and reminds everyone how important it is to always vote. It is important. Very. Because the producers get their jollies by rolling around on their giant beds of money while imagining millions of people wasting two hours of their poor, pathetic lives voting on a contest that has already been decided. Please, don't deny these rich bastards that joy. Rock the vote!

My rage turns to disdain when Ryan talks to Randy about the obvious hypocrisy of having a Mariah Carey theme, considering that the judges always harp on the fact that no one should ever bother trying to cover such a diva. Ryan asks Randy how he can even judge this night and Randy also does exactly what I predicted. He says that they just do it by being fair and judging the performances on their own instead of comparing them to the originals. Wow, what a novel idea. I wish he'd thought of that, oh, like seven years ago.

Yo, yo, yo I can't wait to hear lots of false tonight, man! May the best dog whistler win.

Up first is Little Lord Archuleroy, who goes all Garth Algar on Mariah by proclaiming that he's not worthy. Mariah just stands there in profile and tilts her face to the right, like she always does. (Is she a paper doll? I don't think I've ever seen her from the front.) David must have taken Simon's comments from Top 10 week to heart. Remember how Cowell said he should have been performing with animated, dancing creatures? Well, tonight he gets a little closer to that goal by singing "When You Believe," from Dreamworks' The Prince of Egypt. Moses would be very upset with the judges right now because they are all blatantly disobeying the First Commandment, "Thou shalt not have any other gods before me." They all praise our Little Lord A like he is some kind of golden calf after he bleats his way through yet another "inspirational" piece of dreck. Can they just put King David on his throne already and save all the other contestants the trouble of going through the motions every week?

Carly Smithson pretends to meet Mariah for the first time and then pulls out her cover of the cover of "Without You." I try to drown out her screaming by lighting several candles and singing my own version to the Michael Johns shrine that I assembled during the last commercial break. Randy likes that Carly is challenging herself and, remembering what he said earlier in the show, is forced to swallow the "I know Mariah Carey and you are no Mariah Carey" critique that he has on permanent standby. I can't live if living means paying attention to Paula, so I have no idea what she is saying. Simon doesn't think that Carly rose to the challenge tonight. Oh, Ireland and England...will you ever get along??

The ubiquitous Beyonce is on hand to sing "Vanishing." Wow, girl cut her hair short! Shouldn't she be on her honeymoon? Hold it! Oh, snap. That's not Beyonce, it's just Syesha Mercado wearing an original design by King Midas. Unsurprisingly, she starts off well, but then a shriek-fest breaks out somewhere in the middle of the song. To save time, I will henceforth refer to this act as "pulling a Syesha." Randy and Paula seem to dig the performance, and Simon does too, but says that not many people know the song, which could be a problem. This saddens me because I totally know this song, and I'm reminded that I actually owned two Mariah Carey records once upon a time. Thanks, Simon, for bringing up that painful memory.

Babbling Brooke must have discovered that the secret to staying on the show lies in Kristy Lee's sequins. The loud, shimmery top that she stole from KLC's closet contradicts her quiet, pared-down, piano-only arrangement of "Hero." She sounds all right, but I have to admit that I'm not completely paying attention. The Dawg likes everything but the bridge, Paula thinks Brooke is very "authentic," and Simon says something about meat and buns. Ryan makes a comment to Simon about special sauce. Amazingly, no one takes this opportunity to jam in a quick advertisement for McDonald's, which proudly serves Coca-Cola products.

Since her supply of sequined tank tops finally ran out and Mama Brooke took her last sparkly dress, Kristy Lee Cook brings lots o' lamé to the stage to sing "Forever." I probably could've left out the accent over that e and the previous sentence would still be a true statement. Nah, actually, KLC isn't too bad tonight. She does well with limited vocal skill, while supposed powerhouses Carly and Syesha always manage to overshoot the mark, landing with a painful thud in my eardrum. That makes Kristy less offensive in my book. Simon's is the only critique I hear, and he basically agrees with me.

I was fully expecting David Cook to cover Mariah's horrific cover of Def Leppard's "Bringin' on the Heartbreak," but in the Def Leppard way. Wow, that was confusing. Um, anyway, he surprises me by choosing "Always Be My Baby," which is also a perfect song for me to sing to my Michael wall. Since I don't know any of the words except the title, my version is exceptionally dirty. David's version is very "David," which is starting to get a bit old, but he has such a good voice and this is so much better than last week that I quite enjoy it. And, thank God, he's not sporting any stupid messages on his palm. (What would it say - "Watch Glitter?") Randy stands up and makes a big deal about how he is standing up. Whoo! Brilliant! Paula thinks the song should be on a movie soundtrack and adds, "Maybe it will." (Does she know something we don't know? Is there a Glitter II in the works??) Simon calls David a breath of fresh air and thanks him for rescuing us all from "karaoke hell." Oh, Simon. You make it so hard for me to be faithful to my darling, absent Michael when you talk like that.

Mercifully putting an end to Mariah night is Jason Castro with his take on "I Don't Wanna Cry." He does a mellow, bongo-fueled arrangement that makes the original sappy song barely recognizable. I love that! I love bongos! I love Jason's cutie-pie Danny Zuko face! He wins! No dog whistle notes required. Paula and Simon enjoy it too, but Randy compares the song to something he'd expect to hear at a "weird beach luau." Someone needs to bury The Dawg in the sand and forget where they left him. Of course, he'd be saved when all of his ridiculous bling sets off some hobo's metal detector.

Well, I made it through my first night of AI without Michael Johns and I didn't shoot out the TV. I also made it through my first night of AI with Mariah Carey and I didn't pluck out my eyes or jam a pencil through my ears. I'm very proud of myself.

So, are we to the point in the season where they only start picking a Bottom 2 or are we still doing a Bottom 3? Does it matter? My predictions have been sucking this year. I'll give it a shot anyway. Despite the fact that he was in the death (first) spot, Archuleta is safe. David Cook is safe and Kristy Lee Cook still has some sparkle left. Carly and Syesha will definitely be in the Bottom 3, and Brooke will probably be the one to join them. She'll also be the first to get sent back to the couches, but not before subjecting us all to her sad puppy dog faces and incessant yapping. Somehow, Syesha's seven fans (all FremantleMedia execs, oddly enough) will generate just enough "votes" to keep her alive, leaving Carly to get dropped like a hot potato.