American Idol 7: Red Red Wine Goes to Paula's Head

Tonight is Neil Diamond night on AI, and I can only hope that means that Neil will embrace his dark, Will Ferrell side and scare some life into the remaining five contestants. Here's hoping that if Brooke babbles too much, he'll warn her, "I'll smack you in the mouth! I'm Neil Diamond!!"

Seacrest announces that each Idol will sing two songs tonight and then speeds around the stage like he's in a Buster Keaton movie. Well, this is going to be annoying. Hey, here's an idea. Why not just let everyone sing one full-length song? Man, what a bunch of monkeys they have running this show.

Jason Castro, who the judges wanted rid of last week, is shoved into the dreaded first spot tonight. Imagine that! He sings one of my favorite Neil tunes, "Forever in Blue Jeans," and it's okay. I honestly do think Jason has a pretty voice, but his lack of concern for this competition is really showing. You know who would've done this song justice? Michael Johns. If there's anyone who can fill out a pair of blue jeans, it's that boy. Mmmmm mmmm. Ah well. Anyway, I wonder why Jason didn't go for the obscure "Pot Smoker's Song?" Now that's a song he could truly make his own.

Ryan zooms in, spits out Jason's call-in numbers and says, "Thejudgescommentswillbehelduntilaftereveryonesingsbothoftheirsongs. Now let'smove! Gogogo...faster! Getoffthestage, Jason! NEXT!"

If Ryan is in such a hurry, why does he bother to bring David Cook out for some pointless banter on the uncomfortable stools? But more importantly, what in the name of Holly Holy is David wearing?? Did one of the tweens in the idiot pit make that jacket in Home Ec class? I can't help focusing on the fact that he's got "AC" on his ugly jacket and his guitar. Is this a lame AC/DC joke or is this some kind of tribute to his brother? And why did Ryan blather on about himself and his childhood trips in the family station wagon instead of finding out this information, like a real host? While I'm asking myself all of these questions, David is performing "I'm Alive," but I hear all that I need to hear. It sounds like what I imagined it would sound like. Good, but very familiar.

Brooke White comes out in a very Monkees ensemble (poet blouse, vinyl pants) to sing "I'm A Believer" as awkwardly as possible. I predict that this girl will be completely bent in half by the time she's 60. Her posture is terrible. She's all hunched over her guitar like the strap is too short. And her facial expressions make her look like a lunatic. It's like you can see her entire thought process during the song - chord, chord, chord, SMILE, chord, chord, chord, shake hair, chord, chord, chord, SMILE! The vocals aren't horrible, but it's all very karaoke.

Up next is frat-house favorite, "Sweet Caroline," sung by...Little Lord Archuleroy? He's singing it well enough, but somehow he and the band have managed to turn this classic tune into a sitcom theme song. Honestly, good times have seemed better.


Syesha Mercado comes out to say "Hello Again," reminding us that, even though she has no apparent fan base, she's still here. Syesha looks very pretty tonight. Actually, with her hair all flattened out like that, she looks a lot like Saleisha, last year's winner of America's Next Top Model. Hmm, you never do see Syesha and Saleisha in the same room together. Anyway, although her performance is slightly corny, it's actually my favorite vocal so far.

Going back on his earlier promise that all judges' comments would be saved until after the second performances, Ryan barks at them to hurry up and give some quick thoughts on how things are going so far. Randy puts the Davids and Syesha in the zone, but leaves Brooke at the karaoke bar and barely mentions Jason. Simon has no problem firing off insults at everyone and tells them all to step it up. And Paula...oh, Paula. Here is where it gets good.

Paula starts to critique Jason and comments on both songs, even though he's only sung one so far. Everyone looks confused. She continues. She is actually explaining why his first song was better than his second (which has yet to be performed), and whining that he doesn't seem like he's trying hard enough. Nigel Lythgoe can be heard shouting into Simon's earpiece, "Abort! Abort!" and something about a self-destruct button. Randy tries to help Paula out and only makes matters worse. Paula then exclaims, "Oh, I thought you sang twice! This is HARD!" Everyone laughs nervously. Simon tries to cover by talking over her. Then Paula tries to explain it away by saying she was looking at her notes for David Cook, even though she had bad comments for Jason and good ones for David. Okay, then.

Pop quiz!

Paula just revealed that:

A. The show isn't live
B. She writes her notes during the rehearsals
C. Someone else writes her notes for her
D. She is batshit crazy
E. Some combination of the above

Here's a hint: there are no wrong answers. Ain't I just like the cool teacher in school?

Moving pointlessly onward...Ryan scrambles around like it's the last 20 minutes of The Oscar telecast.

Jason finally gets around to that second song, "September Morn," and it turns out Paula was right. The first song was better. (She's finally done enough drugs that she can see into the future. Good on her.) His vocals are fairly weak and the ending is really shaky, but he sure looks purty. The judges all take turns throwing Jason under the bus, while he just stands there quietly. But I can practically hear his inner voice screaming, "What do I have to do to get voted off of this show? Please! GET ME OUT OF HERE ALREADY!"

David Cook returns to the stage with "All I Really Need Is You," which he promptly Daughtrifies. Both of his songs tonight sound the same to me. The thing is, he can really sing, so that obviously counts for something. But he's starting to bore me. The judges are falling over themselves to praise David though. They're all turning into that old Kevin Nealon character, Subliminal Man.
Randy: "You rocked (don't vote for Jason) the house."
Paula: "I'm already looking (gimme drugs) at the American Idol."
Simon: "The 1st song (don't vote for Jason)was okay. The 2nd song (don't vote for Jason)was brilliant."

Brooke opts to hunch over her piano this time around for "I Am...I Said." Is she singing in tune? I don't think so. Does that matter to the judges? I don't think so.
Randy: " Nice (don't vote for Jason) job."
Paula: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Simon: "This is the Brooke (don't vote for Jason) we like."

I had a bad feeling that Little Lord Archuleroy was going to sing either "America" or that crappy E.T. song, "Heartlight." Thankfully, he doesn't sing the latter but, perhaps in honor of fallen Idol hero Kristy Lee Cook, he does choose the former. This has got to be one of the worst songs in the history of history. I think if I were an immigrant on my way to this country, and I heard this song playing on someone's boom box as we were approaching Liberty Island, I would jump ship. But, people love this kind of patriotic pandering and with that giant American flag behind him, no one is going to diss this performance. (I will concede that David's vocals are just fine, but the kid still gets on my nerves.)
Randy: "You're in the (don't vote for Jason) zone."
Paula: "I love you (drugs)."
Simon: "That choice ticked (you are going to make me so much richer, kid) all the right boxes. OH! Annnnd, (don't vote for Jason) uh, never mind. That's it."

Syesha closes out the night with my favorite Neil song (besides that nutty "Porcupine Pie"), "Thank the Lord for the Night Time." There are hand claps! She wins! Actually, it's not fantastic, but she does a better job with it than I thought she would. And it gets a little bit funkier in the middle. I never thought I would say it, but Syesha is my favorite of the night. She is finally showing some personality and has her big voice under control...so she might actually be in danger of going home. Simon uses his best reverse psychology methods on the audience by telling Syesha that even though she did well, she may be in trouble because her performance wasn't memorable enough. (And I think I spotted a "Save The 'Fro, Ditch the Dreads" button on his shirt.) The Dawg still thinks she's in the zone. P-Ab calls Syesha "Brooke." Is Neil Diamond still around? Does he have time to smack Paula in the mouth?

So, who will be the Solitary Man (or Woman) leaving us tomorrow night? As much as I'd like to think that Jason has enough fans to save him, the producers and judges hate him, so I think his days on AI are over. Who else could it possibly be? No matter what they do, the two Davids will be in the final two. So let it be written. So let it be done. Simon adores Brooke for whatever reason. That leaves fan-less Syesha, but since they've gotten rid of two girls in a row, I doubt another girl will go this week. She'll most likely share the Bottom 2 with the dreadlocked wonder, but he will be the one to disappear in a cloud of (pot) smoke.