Wednesday, April 30, 2008

American Idol 7 Results: 4/30/08

Tonight was a very special Idol results show. Call it "Idol Gives Paula Back Some Credibility." Paula was smartly given a girl-next-door hairdo and the stylists put her in a silky cream frock to make her look extra angelic.

I had been wondering why no one sang "Cracklin' Rosie" last night - I know now that they just saved it for tonight's medley. The gang got on board with "Rosie," "Song Sung Blue" (sung badly, in this case) and "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show." The latter is a song that Kristi had been talking about lately, which I didn't recognize by title but immediately knew as soon as the Idols started singing it. I haven't heard that song in ages! It's a good one. Unfortunately, my enjoyment of it was marred by David Cook's attempt at preacher talkin'. Wow, that made me cringe.

Since I hate these group sings, I've learned to just keep my eye on Jason during them. He treats them like the Disney kids-gone-bad spectacles that they are by completely embracing the cheesiness. He didn't disappoint me tonight. Castro is love.

Ex-Idols Constantine Maroulis and Gina Glocksen were in the audience to plug their show, American Idol Extra. I think I saw Gina throw up in her mouth a little when Ryan asked Constantine if the two were dating. Then, Ryan asked Constantine to do his patented "greasy tool" look into the camera, and I threw up in my toilet. A lot.

Ryan tried his hand at damage control by addressing the controversy over Paula's gaffe last night. Well, sort of. He only briefly mentioned that she made "comments" and that there a lot of "rumors" on the Internet which "aren't true." Paula is part of their family and they love her!! Wait...but the rumors aren't really about Paula. We already know that she's nuts. What about the rumors that the show is rigged? Or that the producers tell all of the judges what to say, who to praise and who to trash? Or that a double-David finale has already been decided? As expected, Ryan stepped right over those land mines.

Seacrest began the lengthy results process by calling out Jason Zuko, er, Castro first. Nigel Lythgoe gnashed his giant horse teeth as Ryan announced that Jason was safe! Well, they couldn't vote him off after all of last night's controversy. (Thanks, Paula!) Jason was obviously very amused by his safety, as he headed over to the comfy couches wearing his best "I can't believe I just got away with that" smile.


Ryan talked to Little Lord Archuleroy for an unreasonably long time before stating the obvious. In accordance with the prophecy, David was, once again, safe. This announcement prompted gaspy gratitude from our little one, as he walked buckle-kneed over to the safety zone mouthing, "What? Oh my gawrsh! I can't believe it!" He should be nominated for an Emmy for that performance.

David Cook was called out next and also given access to the couches. That meant the two gals, Brooke and Syesha, were the Bottom 2.

Natasha Bedingfield performed her new song, "Pocket Full of Sunshine." Wow, that girl is all cheekbones and teeth.

Damage control began again with the viewer call-in segment. A precious little 10 year-old called in to ask Paula why she's so darn sweet. Paula acted like the inspirational grade school teacher from any number of Lifetime movies. Ms. Abdul's lessons: Kids are great! Keep your dreams alive! All of the contestants are wonderful! Love everyone! Paula should be nominated for an Emmy for that performance.

The next caller also happened to have a question for Paula. Does she plan on releasing any more records? This was used as another plug for her single, "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow." Hmm. I had forgotten about that one already.

To round out this completely scripted trio of calls, "Tara Miller" called to remind Simon that she was his first kiss. When Simon began reminiscing, Randy was all, "Dude! You remembered her!" like it was a big surprise. Randy and Simon should both be nominated for Emmies for their performances.

This week's mentor, Neil Diamond, took the stage to sing "Pretty Amazing Grace," which was thankfully not an ode to Kristy Lee Cook. The song wasn't pretty amazing, but it was better than Dolly's "Jesus and Gravity." It was kind of like mellow mariachi. The idiot pit didn't know how to respond. They were waving their arms at first, then they all took a break, some looked around for any kind of guidance, then they started clapping along, and finally settled back on the arm waving. Perhaps Paula should choreograph routines for them?

Neil advised all the Idols to keep on keepin' on, and even though he didn't say anything Earth-shattering, he just has one of those voices that makes him sound very wise. His eyebrows freaked me out a bit though. I can't believe I didn't mention this last night. He reminds me of that one Seinfeld episode where Uncle Leo burned his eyebrows off and Elaine drew new ones on his face with a Sharpie. I was waiting for Nigel to come out and say, "Neil, I don't care for your demeanor" while scribbling in his little black(list) book.

After a long hour on the chopping block, the axe finally fell on Babbling Brooke. Simon didn't look happy. Brooke probably didn't deserve to go tonight, but she was offered up as the sacrificial lamb so that Jason could remain on the show and everyone could pretend that the judges never launched their very obvious anti-Castro campaign.

Brooke's Alaina Whitaker-esque breakdown verged on pathetic and made everyone uncomfortable. Though she could barely speak or hold her head up, the evil powers that be still forced her to sing one last time. I think she sang "I Am...I Said." It was hard to make out any lyrics through her choked sobs. The rest of the contestants came out to the stage while she sang, ostensibly to offer moral support, but only Cook gave her a half-hearted pat on the back while the rest stared blankly. Castro was hilarious as ever, widely grinning like a very pretty idiot as Brooke went through her final death throes.

Next week's theme is the "Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame." Who wants to bet that Little Lord Archuleroy will sing Simon's favorite song, The Righteous Brothers' "Unchained Melody?"

18 comments:

fran said...

I think the conspiracy theories surrounding Paula's gaffe are kind of overblown. The simplest and most reasonable explanation is that she took notes during rehearsal and her uh, "state of mind" was responsible for her failure to keep track of where they were in the show. It's not like nobody knew that each contestant was going to sing two songs. I don't understand how anything in the judges' comments raises suspicions about fixing the vote. If you were going to fix the vote, it wouldn't matter what the judges said. And if they were fixing the vote to make a more interesting show, why in the world would they choose this boring group?

Ryan's defense was pretty laughable though. I love the "nonspecific denial".

fran said...

Oh, and Gina Glocksen looks as great as ever. <3 Gina. Still my all time #1 Idol crush.

Well, after Danny Noriega. Oh wait, I keep forgetting he's not a girl.

Gifted Typist said...

That sounds gruesome. Glad I didn't watch.

SkylersDad said...

If little David makes it all the way through this thing and gets the nod, I swear I am never watching another AI. Kid has a voice, but all the personality of an unflushed toilet!

cube said...

I don't know what's going on behind the scenes at AI, but I do know that if they were going to rig the show, wouldn't they make it way more interesting than it is?

Turnbaby said...

They do manipulate the show--various ways have been exposed and they change them up.

When the five stood up there on Tuesday I thought--look it's a 'diversity' commercial.

It's not completely rigged or Taylor would not have won.

I'm guessing Castro is out next then Sayesha although they are really uncomfortable with a guy/guy finale.

Falwless said...

I always like to point out what makes me laugh the most in your posts. I won't let you down this time:

"The idiot pit didn't know how to respond. They were waving their arms at first, then they all took a break, some looked around for any kind of guidance, then they started clapping along, and finally settled back on the arm waving."

I love you.

And yeah, Ryan's attempt at explaining Paulagate sucked. The whole thing makes me very suspicious.

CDP said...

I don't have time to point out everything that made me laugh in this post. You're quite mad, you know. A Post writer on the Tony Kornheiser show this morning said that at no point did anyone say that Syesha was one of the bottom-2 vote getters. Her theory is that Jason was really in the bottom 2, but the producers didn't want to announce that because he'd end up getting a bounce-back vote from the tween demographic and they want him out.

Anonymous said...

love your blog...
conspiracy theorists note that Ryan never actually said Syesha was in the bottom 2... and dial idol actually had her top 2.... could it be that wonder boy was in bottom 2... and they never told us?! :-)

Bond said...

Can I poke out Constantine's eyes with an icepick so I never have to see that pedophile, stalker stare again????

Jason Castro wants off the show...it is obvious...can they just let him have his wish???

Red said...

My DVR frakked up midway through, but the show was still painfully boring. They need to get back to a 30 minute result show.

Movie Maven said...

"...I threw up in my toilet. A lot."

BWAHAHAHAHA

I usually watch the results shows in about 7 minutes: group number, commercial, end result. It actually takes longer for me to read these recaps than to watch the show in my format. Yet the enjoyment I get out of reading them...so much. So much.

BeckEye said...

Fran - I may have to further address this in another post. But, basically, if that was the case, why did she have to make up the "I was looking at David's notes" lie? That makes it look suspicious.

GT - Gruesome? Come on, Neil's eyebrows weren't THAT bad.

Skyler's Dad - I would think that an unflushed toilet has more "personality" than a flushed one. No?

Cube - You would think. They want a spectacle in the beginning, but in the end all they really care about is churning out another standard pop album with the contestant who is the most easily manipulated.

Turn - Yeah, Taylor was their little mistake. Somehow he slipped through. But they make up for it by pretending that he doesn't exist. Assholes.

Fal - Oh, I love you too! I'm waving my arms in your honor!

CDP - I'm sure Jason was all set to go, but then they pulled the plug on that plan to avoid more suspicion. And yes, I know I'm quite mad. I like it that way. :)

Anon - Thank you! I've been getting a lot of nice anonymous comments lately. (What's the Internet coming to?) I wish you would all leave a name or something so I could thank you properly for swinging by.

Bond - Can you? I'll give you the ice pick.

Red - Or better yet, just do it the Nashville Star way and announce the eliminated one on the following week's show.

MM - Well, thank you for putting in the time. Hopefully I'm more coherent than Paula. :)

Mathdude said...

Excellent job as usual BE. I don't believe in any conspiricy theory. I'm a little disappointed Brooke didn't make the Final 4 as I predicted, but the 4 that are left are pretty good. Sure, none of them are Michael Johns...

Doc said...

Thank you for watching this tripe so I don't have to. Your recap is always better than the show.

Doc

Alice said...

heh. that inspired me to youtube brooke's final song. AM MEAN.

Chancelucky said...

So Paula hallucinates from time to time....what's the big deal?

Amy said...

Oh Beckeye... you and your photoshopping skillz crack me the hell UP!

 

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