American Idol Results: 4/2/08

Road trip to the Smoky Mountains this weekend, y'all! Who's coming with me? Someone text Danny Noriega and invite him, too.

Tonight's "Super-Terrific Happy Stretched-Out Elimination Hour" certainly has me longing for a vacation. A vacation from my TV.

I knew that the producers were saving "9 to 5" for the group sing this week. I also know that, while it's a good song, it's cheese factor is pretty high. Still, I was not at all prepared for the compost heap that was dumped onstage at the top of the show tonight. The choreographer who came up with that shitkickin' dance routine needs to have the shit kicked out of him. Or her? Maybe it was Paula? I wouldn't be surprised. She probably designed that number after a fifth of Jack Daniels and a few rides on the mechanical bull, because that "production" was truly nauseating. You all know that I can't take my eyes off of Michael, but I could barely look at him during that. He looked like Elaine Benes out there. He even messed up his words a bit when it was his turn to sing. I'm sure it was because he couldn't shut off the voices in his head screaming, Kill me now, kill me now!! Everyone looked ridiculous, especially Carly when she plopped down in front of Simon on his desk. I thought they were going to act out one of the sexual harassment scenes from 9 to 5. Eegads. The food service crew should've put rat poison in everyone's coffee tonight instead of Skinny 'n Sweet. Put them all out of their misery.

Anyway...Michael was the first one proclaimed safe tonight. Obviously, I'm happy because this show would be so much worse without him. On the other hand, I'm sad because this means that the AI monkey trainers will continue to humiliate him with these grotesque Results Night routines.

It's not just my dear Michael that I feel bad for, either. It's clear that David Cook and Jason Castro hate this stupid shit too. Luckily for Jason, he's high as a kite every night, so he probably doesn't remember many of the embarrassing things he's been forced to do. Poor David already has high blood pressure. Who knows how much more of this he can take!

After Michael, Carly and David Archuleta were put through to the Top 8, The Hillbilly Brothers performed. I don't remember their real name, and I certainly don't care to know it. They were basically a trio of tuneless, chubby Deliverance extras. Apparently, they won the unsuccessful AI spinoff, The Next Great American Band. So, they're it, eh? Well, that clinches it. I'm moving to Australia. And I'm taking Mr. Johns with me.

The Ford commercial this week was more offensive than most. As if the Cake song from a few weeks ago wasn't ridiculous enough, someone came up with the bright idea to have the Idols rap. They covered Run-DMC's '80s classic, "Tricky," while pretending to be thugs on the basketball court. I'm sure if Reverend Run was watching that, he must have felt like he was staring Satan right in the eyes. The only positive to come out of that mess was a nice shot of Michael in action, who has great arms and is obviously a much better athlete than he is a dancer.

Seacrest played a video that showed everyone what Bucky Covington, Phil Stacey and Bo Bice were up to. Funny, I don't remember anyone ever asking for that info.

Dolly Parton performed, and although she looked awesomely white-trash-cute, she was a little pitchy. It was just aight for me, y'all.

Simon apologized to Carly for making fun of her wardrobe last night, and then kind of hit on her. I wish he would stop trying to make me jealous. Didn't he get the memo that Michael is my man now? His pathetic attempts to win me back are just embarrassing at this point.

Once again, I only correctly guessed 2 members of the Bottom 3 this week - Ramiele and Babbling Brooke. I wasn't expecting to see Kristy Lee there, what with her support from VFTW, tweenyboppers and Redneck Nation. Not surprisingly, she narrowly escaped elimination again, and Brooke was also sent back to the comfy couches.

Whoever said "persistence pays off" was right. I figured that if I just kept predicting Ramiele to get voted off, that eventually she would. Tonight was the night. The Lilliputian singer was finally sent packing, and she couldn't have picked a better night to get the hell out of Dodge. Of course, she can look forward to more cheesy bullshit and puppet mastery on the Idol tour.

Ramiele sang us out, and she sounded fantastic. Is it just me, or does this happen every week? The contestants always sing better once they're eliminated. Some people think that it's because "the pressure's off," but I think it's something else. A lot of these kids are so mechanical and worry so much about technique, that they never bring the heart that would make their performances memorable. When they get booted, they're sad, sometimes crying, maybe angry, possibly confused, and I think it's all of that emotion that finally allows them to connect with the audience. Too bad it's too little, too late. Last night, if Ramiele had sung like she did tonight, she would probably still be around.