Wednesday, April 02, 2008

American Idol Results: 4/2/08

Road trip to the Smoky Mountains this weekend, y'all! Who's coming with me? Someone text Danny Noriega and invite him, too.

Tonight's "Super-Terrific Happy Stretched-Out Elimination Hour" certainly has me longing for a vacation. A vacation from my TV.

I knew that the producers were saving "9 to 5" for the group sing this week. I also know that, while it's a good song, it's cheese factor is pretty high. Still, I was not at all prepared for the compost heap that was dumped onstage at the top of the show tonight. The choreographer who came up with that shitkickin' dance routine needs to have the shit kicked out of him. Or her? Maybe it was Paula? I wouldn't be surprised. She probably designed that number after a fifth of Jack Daniels and a few rides on the mechanical bull, because that "production" was truly nauseating. You all know that I can't take my eyes off of Michael, but I could barely look at him during that. He looked like Elaine Benes out there. He even messed up his words a bit when it was his turn to sing. I'm sure it was because he couldn't shut off the voices in his head screaming, Kill me now, kill me now!! Everyone looked ridiculous, especially Carly when she plopped down in front of Simon on his desk. I thought they were going to act out one of the sexual harassment scenes from 9 to 5. Eegads. The food service crew should've put rat poison in everyone's coffee tonight instead of Skinny 'n Sweet. Put them all out of their misery.

Anyway...Michael was the first one proclaimed safe tonight. Obviously, I'm happy because this show would be so much worse without him. On the other hand, I'm sad because this means that the AI monkey trainers will continue to humiliate him with these grotesque Results Night routines.

It's not just my dear Michael that I feel bad for, either. It's clear that David Cook and Jason Castro hate this stupid shit too. Luckily for Jason, he's high as a kite every night, so he probably doesn't remember many of the embarrassing things he's been forced to do. Poor David already has high blood pressure. Who knows how much more of this he can take!

After Michael, Carly and David Archuleta were put through to the Top 8, The Hillbilly Brothers performed. I don't remember their real name, and I certainly don't care to know it. They were basically a trio of tuneless, chubby Deliverance extras. Apparently, they won the unsuccessful AI spinoff, The Next Great American Band. So, they're it, eh? Well, that clinches it. I'm moving to Australia. And I'm taking Mr. Johns with me.

The Ford commercial this week was more offensive than most. As if the Cake song from a few weeks ago wasn't ridiculous enough, someone came up with the bright idea to have the Idols rap. They covered Run-DMC's '80s classic, "Tricky," while pretending to be thugs on the basketball court. I'm sure if Reverend Run was watching that, he must have felt like he was staring Satan right in the eyes. The only positive to come out of that mess was a nice shot of Michael in action, who has great arms and is obviously a much better athlete than he is a dancer.

Seacrest played a video that showed everyone what Bucky Covington, Phil Stacey and Bo Bice were up to. Funny, I don't remember anyone ever asking for that info.

Dolly Parton performed, and although she looked awesomely white-trash-cute, she was a little pitchy. It was just aight for me, y'all.

Simon apologized to Carly for making fun of her wardrobe last night, and then kind of hit on her. I wish he would stop trying to make me jealous. Didn't he get the memo that Michael is my man now? His pathetic attempts to win me back are just embarrassing at this point.

Once again, I only correctly guessed 2 members of the Bottom 3 this week - Ramiele and Babbling Brooke. I wasn't expecting to see Kristy Lee there, what with her support from VFTW, tweenyboppers and Redneck Nation. Not surprisingly, she narrowly escaped elimination again, and Brooke was also sent back to the comfy couches.

Whoever said "persistence pays off" was right. I figured that if I just kept predicting Ramiele to get voted off, that eventually she would. Tonight was the night. The Lilliputian singer was finally sent packing, and she couldn't have picked a better night to get the hell out of Dodge. Of course, she can look forward to more cheesy bullshit and puppet mastery on the Idol tour.

Ramiele sang us out, and she sounded fantastic. Is it just me, or does this happen every week? The contestants always sing better once they're eliminated. Some people think that it's because "the pressure's off," but I think it's something else. A lot of these kids are so mechanical and worry so much about technique, that they never bring the heart that would make their performances memorable. When they get booted, they're sad, sometimes crying, maybe angry, possibly confused, and I think it's all of that emotion that finally allows them to connect with the audience. Too bad it's too little, too late. Last night, if Ramiele had sung like she did tonight, she would probably still be around.


bloody awful poetry said...

I thought I'd never live to see the day.
Thank you United Staytes Of Amereeeka!!

No I've noticed it too. That most people sing a heck of a lot better once they've already been given the boot, and you watch them and wonder why the heck they didn't perform like this last night, when they are obviously more than capable of it.
But I don't care. The Malubay has finally gone down, baby, and it feels good.

fran said...

I agree, everyone sounds great when the bus is running. I agree, it's probably because they're not overthinking.

I was one of the unfortunate few that watched "The Next Great American Band" and I think the Clark Brothers are amazing. I don't even like country music, but their talent and intensity is mesmerizing.

I wonder if when Simon told Carly to wear different clothes, what he really meant was "cover up those tats". I think he did. And is it me or did Carly's husband have a Mike Tyson-ish face tattoo tonight that he hasn't sported before?

Gifted Typist said...

Becks, you are getting wickeder and wickeder by the week.

I too thought the Mulubay lullaby was her best work yet. Good observation on emotion vs. technique.

I agreed with Simon the Carly's dress sense or nonsense. Not to be cruel but those thunder thighs need to be tamed with a colour other than red.

Gifted Typist said...

editor insert:
"on" Carly's dress sense

Dale said...

While I fully expect the kids to roll their eyes while tromping through those cheesy routines, I thought last night's was probably the best of the lot. And I liked the commercial. Damn me to hell Beckeye, I know I deserve it.

Falwless said...

Good lookin' out, dawg, good lookin' out.

cube said...

Ramiele's singing might've been aight, but her little baby girl antics were off-putting to me. I just wanted to tell her to buck up & act her age. Everyone is nervous!

SkylersDad said...

I vote that next season we spend the first 5 minutes of the "real show" booting the bottom feeder and cancel this hour long piece of crap!

My god, how bad can it possibly get...

Bond said...

she sounded better than I had heard her since the beginning...

weird huh...the freakin show is 1/2 hour long and 1/2 hour of crap...

Cleo said...

I missed last week's results show.

I wish I'd missed this week's. All the musical numbers -- from the group sing to that backwoods jug band (sans jug) to (I'm sorry to say it but it's true) Dolly -- were painful to watch as well as listen to, as was the Ford commercial (if you can call that a musical number, and I don't mean because it feaured a rap song).

Ramiele's teary rehash of "Do I Ever Cross Your Mind" was the musical highlight of the evening; I think it sounded better than it did the previous night because no one was messing with her mike.

My personal highlight of the evening was hearing from Bo Bice. He's the reason I started watching this crap in the first place. He should invite me to Alabama to pummel (and/or do other things to) him for this, but since that's probably not gonna happen, I think I'll just buy his non-Clive-Davis-produced sophomore release, See the Light. I wasn't aware of it until last night, but I already know it's gonna be miles better than The Real Thing.

Thanks for another fun-to-read results show recap. I think I might stop watching the recap shows altogether and just check in here on Thursday mornings.

Red said...

Nice Gulliver's Travels reference.

Glad to see Ramiele go. Hope Kristy Lee follows next week...

jolie said...

first - yes, carly's hubby is COVERED in tats! that thing on his face looks like something out of an "aliens invade" movie.

second - I completely agree with simon re carly covering her tats. having that weird face stare out at the audience in those mid-range head shots is kinda unnerving.

third - your clark "hillbilly" boys assessment was dead on, beckeye. neither jug band nor bluegrass nor in any way country - they substituted manic stage activity for quality sound and didn't connect, not even once. the opening vocals were awful. maybe they won that band competition by falling in an interstice among the many and multiplicitous genre fusions, but, hey dawg, what's UP wit dem?!

jolie said...

hahahah sorry - the weird face on carly's bicep. hahhahaha

Anonymous said...

Definitely your most hilarous recap evah! Loved the "Deliverance" description of the band. I'd never heard of them before, but from all reports they are usually quite good, and had a very off night last night.

Good point about the emotion allowing the contestant to finally connect during the "sing-out". It really is an interesting phenomenon.

DrillerAA said...

Dolly was past pitchy last night. She would have been voted off the show had she been a contestant.
I know you're just now recovering from Michael's performance on Tuesday night. The aftershocks fro the Idolgasms were probably felt for several blocks in every direction.
Thanks for stopping by BrainFreeze and thanks for the tip on "Riding with the King". I'll have to look into it.


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