Sunday, April 06, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Moses Finds the Promised Land - Screen legend Charlton Heston died late Saturday night at the age of 84. The cause of death hasn't been identified yet, but he had withdrawn from the public eye over the last few years due to Alzheimer's Disease. Many in Hollywood didn't see eye to eye with his political views, but most can agree that he was responsible for some of the greatest onscreen moments in epic movies like The Ten Commandments and Ben Hur.

Ok, enough being nice. Whew, thank goodness.

Beyonce and Jay-Z Prove That They're Crazy (in Love) - So, they finally tied the knot. Why can't these celebs learn from Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell's example? Who do they think they are? Don't they know they can't win? So, how long will this union last? Let's start the bidding at 8 months. Do I hear one year? Anyone? Anyone?

Oh My God, It's a Hot Pregnant Tranny Mess - Women everywhere got super excited upon hearing about the amazing pregnant man! Then, we all found out that Thomas Beatie was just your run-of-the-mill guy who was born a girl and had top-half gender realignment surgery to look like a man, but decided to keep his lower lady parts, then married a woman with no uterus, so when they decided to have a baby he was like, "Oh hey, I still have one of those!" No biggie. I don't think this is anything that The Jerry Springer Show or that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie hasn't prepared us for.

American Idol is Cursed, But Not to the Extreme That SNL Is. - Last week on the AI set, both contestant David Cook and host Ryan Seacrest required medical attention. Cook had to be rushed to the hospital after his Tuesday night performance due to "heart palpitations" caused by high blood pressure. Though he hasn't talked much about his personal issues, David has been under a great deal of stress stemming from his brother's battle with cancer. As for Seacrest, dude walked into a wall and jacked up his knee! Perhaps he was running to Jason Castro's dressing room after he heard he was lounging around in a bath towel, and didn't quite clear the doorway? Whatever the case, I would just like to offer my amateur nursing services should Michael Johns suffer any injuries. Or, you know, if he just needs a check-up, I'd be happy to take care of that too.

Paris Hilton Finally Does Something Entertaining - As she was walking out of a Prague music store last weekend, Paris tripped over her gigantic clown feet and took a dive, hitting her chin on the floor. Her boyfriend, D-bag #1 from Good Charlotte, proved his gentlemanliness by not breaking stride and stepping right over her. Eventually, he helped her up and, after some serious reflection on the harrowing incident, Paris vowed to build a shelter for fallen women. Ba-dum-bum.

Britney Spears Plans to Design Children's Clothing - In future news, the pregnancy rate for girls between the ages of 10-16 skyrockets.


Bloody Awful Poetry said...

*snorts* Aaah the Paris one was hilarious. I saw it on E!. They made it sound like, oh i dunno, like it was a horrible natural disaster or sumfink. I wish she'd just die, though.

Writeprocrastinator said...

If a skank falls in the woods, I guess it does make a sound.


Your Britney crack had me laughing so hard that I almost woke up Procrastinator Junior.

gizmorox said...

Aw, I think Jay-Z and Beyonce will make it. I don't really like either of them, but they've been together forever and they make a point of not ever talking about it, which a lot of celebs could learn from. I respect that they're able to keep their relationship to themselves given the business that they're in.

And despite the fact that he appears to be a giant douchebag, I still think Seacrest would be fun to have a beer with. I bet that "how I broke my knee on the AI set" story would be amusing :)

Red said...

I feel so guilty that I didn't feel sad one little bit when I heard Heston died.

Dale said...

I was shocked to hear Ryan utter the 'f' word as I just caught Knocked Up on the movie channel here. He's such a manly man.

Did WP just say crack and Britney in the same comment? Oh my.

Bluez said...

Dale, you've been saying "oh my" a lot lately.

I give Jay-Z and Beyonce 18 months to 2 years, or right after Jay-Z jr starts walking. Still love David Cooke and sorry but he's my pick to win AI. Paris and Britney are a waste of space.

The Guv'ner said...

Haha yeah Britney will be designing kiddie thongs and balconette bras for ten year olds. Awesome.

I'm still sulking that that human ostrich didn't lose teeth during that spill. I am just mean I guess.

cube said...

Mr. Heston is finally free of that horrible disease. RIP.

Barbara - Layla said...

I am so glad I stopped by here, its my one stop for all entertainment news. I bet on 18 months for Beyonce and JZ.

Loved what you said about the pregnant men (like they really thought we'd believe a Real man could get preg? Do we look stupid?)

Falwless said...

I will email you this evening when I make a blog email address. I've been meaning to for a while now, and now I actually have a reason to! I CAN'T WAIT.

CDP said...

"hot pregnant tranny mess". Tee hee.

pistols at dawn said...

I am so tired of not having the young girls in my neighborhood hoochie it up.

Renaissance Woman said...

Paris falling on her face was hilarious! And your so good at retelling stories that it made me laugh again...out loud to myself.

Happy Villain said...

Okay, I'm starting to worry about your obsession with Michael Johns and the fact that Jeremy Sisto is available for viewing on a weekly basis on Law & Order, but we're not getting weekly Sisto haiku of love from you.

Falwless said...

I lied to you, Beckeye. I lied and it hurts me as much as I'm sure it hurts you. I did not email you because, well, listen, I was at a chic, exclusive party until very late in the evening and when I came home at like 3 AM I was so tired I went straight to bed. Either that or I fell asleep on the couch somewhere before 8 PM while watching a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond. One of those is the truth. I promise I will still email you. Tonight. (I'd do it at work but I can't get to any web mail because it's cock-blocked by corp. firewall. GAH!)

Bond said...

can 12 year old girls wear slut-clothes and daisy dukes and fishnets with holes?

just asking

FranIAm said...

"Reps for the two wouldn't confirm that they took out a marriage license in Scarsdale, New York on Tuesday."

Jay Z, Beyonce, Scarsdale? WTF?

Scott Booker said...

Loved seeing Paris fall!! Made my day!!

David Amulet said...

And Charlton had the good luck to have emotional lines about "damn apes." We'll miss you, man.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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