Tuesday, May 13, 2008

American Idol 7: The Chosen One, The Second Coming and The Third Wheel


Tonight on AI, the final three each sing three songs for three judges who have been under the impression since about week three that there are really only two contestants in this competition. Syesha's only chance to make it to the finals is to tape down her boobs, shove a sock down her pants and change her name to David.

The final three take the stage and Syesha is looking very lovely in a shimmery gown. Ah, that's too bad. Well, she had a good run there. About six weeks longer than it should have been, but who's counting?

Judges' Choice

Little Lord Archuleroy kicks things off with Paula's song choice, Billy Joel's "And So It Goes." Wow, another ballad! So, even though Paula often advises contestants to "step out of the box," she lobs Archie a softball right down the middle. He handles it in his usual capable fashion, but the song feels like it lasts about 20 minutes. Randy throws out nearly all of his catch phrases on this first song, so I hope he'll conserve what's left of them wisely. Paula calls David a "storyteller," and Simon thinks the song is good but predictable. Well, buddy, blame the chick to your right.

Up next is Syesha "Not David" Mercado to sing Randy's pick, Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You." It's a pretty true-to-the-original version, nothing extraordinary, but still solid. She doesn't blow me out my box, but The Dawg thinks she's "amazing." Of course, I'm sure that has nothing to do with the fact that he chose the song. I honestly forget what Paula says, but Simon channels her by telling Syesha that she looks gorgeous. Then he gets a jab in at Randy for picking such a predictable song.

Simon picks Roberta Flack's "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" for David Cook, and I have to hand it to good old Si for going off the board and presenting a bit of a challenge. His plan to showcase Cookie as the most entertaining and original of the remaining three works like a charm, as David effortlessly knocks it out of the park into sexy rock ballad land. Randy is still sulking over Simon's earlier comment and refuses to give the performance the props that it deserves just because Simon picked the song. Paula actually says something that makes sense by reminding Simon and Randy that this "isn't about them." Then she gushes. Simon just pats himself on the back and hands Round One to David.

Contestants' Choice

The Little Lord inexplicably chooses to sing Chris Brown's "With You," and even though I'm glad to finally hear something upbeat from this drippy kid (maybe a little too upbeat judging from the way he trips over some of the words at the beginning), hip-hop is just not his thang. When you are David Archuleta, you can not use words like "my boo" and expect to be taken seriously. Paula thinks her boo is doing just great, but Randy and Simon both agree that this song doesn't really suit David. Simon likens Archie to a "chihuahua trying to be a tiger." Perhaps a "monchhichi trying to be a silverback" would be a better analogy?

Syesha surprises me by not picking a typical diva tune and opting, instead, for the Peggy Lee standard, "Fever." She sings it well enough, but she undoes any of the good in the performance with a really cheesy lounge act, complete with lots of chair posing. (Judging by Syesha's pre-performance chat with Ryan, that stupid chair was more important to her than the song.) Randy and Paula call the song choice "interesting" in that backhanded way that they do, while Simon more straightforwardly calls it "lame cabaret."

The return of David Cook isn't all that impressive. Of all the artists in the world to cover in the home stretch, I can't believe he chose generic rock band Switchfoot. His performance of "Dare You to Move" is average at best, totally forgettable at worst. Randy excitedly tells anyone who cares (no one) that his friend produced that song, and then quickly throws down the "pitchy" card. Paula and Simon aren't blown away either.

Producers' Choice

This should be stunning. No one is more out of touch with music than the folks who make the most money off of it.

Proving that point, David A. gets saddled with the Dan Fogelberg snore-fest, "Longer." As per usual, Little Archie sings it just fine, but bores everyone to tears. Randy starts to diss the song choice and then remembers that the producers picked it. His tune suddenly changes to an enthusiastic "you're great!" Paula calls the performance "lovely." Simon apparently isn't afraid of the big wigs and blasts the song choice as horrible and "gooey."

Syesha is given the Gia Farrell song "Hit Me Up" from that penguin movie, Happy Feet. I am half expecting her to dress in a tux and start tap dancing (Paula would love that) but no such luck. I'm searching for information about this song, the artist and the movie online and I can't seem to find a link between any of them and AI, but I'm convinced that there is some connection. The producers didn't just pull this song out of their lazy billionaire butts. Maybe they just gave it to her because it's not that memorable. Even though she does the best she can with it, all of the judges take Syesha's final performance of the evening as their cue to pile on and tell her how mediocre she is. I could swear I just heard Simon say, "Is your name David? No? Then walk your happy feet on out of here!"

The producers' round can't end without some Diane Warren pimping, so Cookie closes out the night with one of the worst songs ever written,
"I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing." David is surrounded by a circle of violinists for the very dramatic opening, and then the guitar soloist nearly drowns him out during the very dramatic ending. David's version of the song is certainly preferable to the craptastic Aerosmith original, but I can't really be objective about such an awful piece of dreck, no matter how well he might be singing. Every time I hear this song, I do wanna close my eyes and I do wanna fall asleep. I even wanna volunteer to go drill a hole into a distant asteroid if it means that I'll never have to hear this garbage again. Ick. Anyway, Randy is obviously the only judge who isn't close personal friends with Ms. Warren, as he honestly assesses the performance as "just okay." Paula rises to her feet, points out Warren in the audience and boozily blusters, "David C--ya in the finals!" Simon kills whatever remaining love I had for him by declaring this as "one of the great songs of all-time." He then tells David, "You won the show. Er...I mean the night! The night. Not the show, not yet. That's silly. We don't know who's gonna win, but it's definitely gonna be you. Er...I mean it could be you. We don't know. It'll definitely be a David. It could be Archuleta, but probably not. I mean, you both have a fair chance. What? Who? Syesha? Oh, is she still here?"

I think everyone knows that the Duel of the Davids has been the plan all along, so it will surely come to pass when Syesha gets kicked to the curb tomorrow night. As far as which David will win...well, that's a little more tricky. I was originally convinced that Little Lord Archuleroy was The Chosen One but, over the past few weeks, I've got a definite vibe that TPTB really want a "rocker" to win this year, especially since Daughtry fantards still haven't gotten over his shocking ouster in Season 5.

I'll tell ya, if Cookie can put even a semi-cool spin on the undoubtedly uncool Idol single at the Finale, then he totally deserves to win. And I think he will.

21 comments:

Red said...

Becks, you are hilarious. I am so over this season. Thanks for taking up my slack.

Heather said...

I thought little Archie sucked tonight! (Not that I think he's all that great any other night.) I'm waiting for the shocking results show that boots him off and makes it a Sy vs. Dave C contest.

And David C's doing Roberta Flack was the best song of the night - hands down.

Bloody Awful Poetry said...

Well, it's just a couple more episodes to go eh? We'll SO live through it.

Gifted Typist said...

Never thought I'd say this, but I missed Jason last night.

As for Little Lord ARchie, other than a photocopier repairman vibe and the singer-of-cat-food-commerical tunes on afternoon soap operas, there's nothing there but a slitty-eyed smile, a set nice straight white chompers and a nice, but predictable, voice.

How could they possibly sell that.

Bluez said...

As soon as Cookie busted into that Aerosmith tune I thought to myself, Oh man, Beckeye is gonna have a field day with this song. You didn't disappoint! The song choices last night didn't impress me nor did any of the performances other than maybe Cook's "the first time". I was wondering how he'd pull that off and he did.

Sauntering Soul said...

It was all I could do to sit through even part of the show last night. Thankfully, I didn't get home until 9:30 and watched it on Tivo so I could fast forward through large portions of it. Ugh, is this season ever going to end?

Gifted Typist said...

Did you see this

http://tvguide.sympatico.msn.ca/TVNews/Articles/080512_archuletas_crazy_dad_MH

Arielle said...

Way to pull out a monchichi reference! I totally had some of those thumb-sucking monkey dolls from the 80s. They were monkeys, right? Anyway- I'm a fairly new reader to your blog and I think it's so gnarly. Your AI posts are absolutely spot on! I live in Pittsburgh btw. Cheers!

Writeprocrastinator said...

You don't like Fogelberg's "Longer?" But how am I going to seranade yo...

...back to the drawing board.

GingerSnaps said...

I'd be out of touch with AI if it weren't for you. :)

Keith Kennedy said...

Some of us voted and we want you to blog about Brett Michael's "Rock of Love" from not on.

Your talents would be appreciated there.

This American Idol is so over this year!

Edge said...

So if a bomb kills two of them will we still have to go through the weeks ahead listening to AI?

You know it's turned into Survivor now.

~Jef

Grant Miller said...

Have you heard any of the commentary from Eric the Midget this season? Funny, although unintended.

SkylersDad said...

I thought maybe Syesha would use the chair like Alex did in flashdance, that would have boosted ratings!

Cook did a great job on "First time.." he really is the best left I think.

Kudos to your "I even wanna volunteer to go drill a hole into a distant asteroid" reference, you simply rock!!!

CDP said...

Hysterical. I missed it last night, but I will faint from shock tonight if anyone other than Syesha is eliminated.

Mathdude said...

Great posting as usual. I concur with your predictions on how this all plays out. I still think LLA will win it, but I think it'll be close.

Congrats on the 8.6 rating at blogged.com, of course, I got a 9.8!

Coaster Punchman said...

Can you believe that I fell asleep and missed the last two songs? I can. I hope you're right about Cook winning. If so, it will be the first time someone I fullly support wins the big title. Actually that's not true, I liked whatzisface with the gray hair.

J. Hi said...

Cook,it's got to be Cook. Pleeeze let it be Cook. David is a such a bore for 17.

fran said...

I so so so hope that Little Davey goes home tonight. It would make the whole awful season worthwhile. And this HAS been the worst season of AI, hands down. I really think Syesha deserves to be in the finals...she's really come on in the last few weeks. Archuleta should only win if it is a singing contest for robots. I think he can beat HAL 9000 singing "Daisy". I really do.

Anonymous said...

Great recap! Glad you're still doing them.

I'm embarrassed. Every Idol recap is blasting the Aerostmith song. But, *small voice*, I've always liked it...

Same thing with *even smaller voice* Dan F's Longer.

Travis said...

I didn't enjoy DC's second song, basically because I didn't really feel the melody. But the other two were great.

 

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