Wednesday, May 21, 2008

American Idol 7 Finale: That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles, Archie

Time once again for FOX's Annual Ad Salesman's Wet Dream!

Ryan Seacrest kicks off the AI Finale by loudly announcing that a record 97.5 million votes were cast last night, way more than in any presidential election.

This just in: On June 2, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are having a karaoke showdown at Bob's Lounge in Pierre, SD. Get your tickets now!

The judges are decked out, as usual, in their best Finale threads. Simon sticks with the black jacket/unbuttoned white shirt combo, Paula squeezes herself into a red dress with a built-in boob ejector seat, and Randy just throws on a bellhop's jacket from the Four Seasons and one of Michael Johns' old ascots and hopes for the best. Sadly, not even Tim Gunn could make it work.

Even though some of the Top 24 from this season weren't invited to the show (Danny Noriega, Kady Malloy, and Colton Berry to name a few), some forgotten Idol wannabes from seasons past are given roving reporter duties in the two Davids' hometowns. Matt Rogers, who has most recently popped up on an infomercial for some kind of Rogaine knock-off, works the Archuleta crowd in Salt Lake City, UT, while Mikalah Gordon, most annoying contestant ever and Fran Drescher knock-off, tries to talk louder than all the Cook fans in Kansas City, MO. She succeeds.

The Top 12 contestants reunite for a cheesy group sing of "Get Ready," accompanied by the So You Think You Can Dance kids. This isn't even halfway enjoyable like their Idol Gives Back performance of "Don't Stop The Music," partially because there aren't nearly enough shots of Michael, but mostly because it just sucks.

Next up is a Dueling Davids duet of "Hero," that Spider-Man song by the Nickelback dude and the Saliva guy. It's not horrible, but I don't think Little Lord Archuleroy has a very good sense of harmony. Daddy has programmed him to be a solo artist, for sure.

The next interminable length of time is spent shamelessly plugging the new Mike Meyers movie, The Love Guru. He spiritually advises the Davids, makes lame jokes to "Ryan Seafoam" and then beats us all over the head with his "Mariska Hargitay" catch-phrase. Yes, we all get it. Ha ha. It was funny the first time, but seriously, enough. Don't make me go all Ice-T on your ass, Meyers.

When that torture finally ends, Syesha takes the stage to sing "Waiting for You" with Seal. It's not a molten hot lava bomb or anything, but it's aight.

Jason Castro returns! Part of me hopes that he sings "I Shot the Sheriff" again just to mess with the producers, but they probably have him hooked up to electrodes to prevent that from happening. He sings "Hallelujah" instead, and I think it sounds better than the first time he sang it. And, did he get cuter over the last couple of weeks? I think he did.

Now it's time for an homage to the best part of every results show - the crappy Ford commercial! There is a quick compilation of all of the past videos, and then Seacrest presents Cookie and Archie with keys to their brand new Ford Escape hybrids. No one looks happier than Archuleta's Dad, who's obviously already planning on taking the new car and sticking little Davey with the rusty old Dodge Aries.

The Top 6 girls don red dresses and take the stage for a medley of Donna Summer tunes. Brooke proves that she is the Whitest girl in America with her misguided attempts to find the beat. Jamless Joplin returns, sounding worse than ever and looking like she wants to O.D. just like her idol. Donna Summer joins the ladies and, even though she's getting old, she still has some hot stuff up her sleeve.

Finally I'm treated to a healthy dose of Michael. He and Carly team up to sing "The Letter." It's definitely not one of my favorite songs, and Carly is doing an awful lot of screaming. Luckily, Michael sounds great and looks as luscious as ever. Oh, to be his duet partner. (Singing? Who said anything about singing?)

Jimmy Kimmel disrupts my daydreaming with a few mildly funny jokes, but I really don't know why he's there. My mind is somewhere else right now.

The show catches up with my mind when the Top 6 boys arrive to sing a Bryan Adams medley, started off beautifully by Michael with "Summer of '69." Michael. 69. Heh heh. Mmeh heh heh. Huh huhuhuh. He said...
Oh, buzz kill, buzz kill! Bryan Adams suddenly appears with a face that looks like sandpaper! He was never exactly a stud, but I'm still a bit shocked by how old and haggard he looks. The girls in the idiot pit aren't shocked, because they have no idea who Bryan is. But does that keep them from mindlessly waving their arms? Of course not!

Jordin Sparks lets us know that the "American Idol Experience" attraction opens this year at Disney World. This sounds promising. I will be first in line for Mr. Johns' Wild Ride.

David Cook takes the stage again, this time with a band I never thought I would see on this show - ZZ Top. They perform "Sharp Dressed Man," and it sounds pretty good. Once again, the idiot pit is clueless as to who these crazy, bearded dudes are.

Brooke is joined by Graham Nash for a duet of "Teach Your Children." I'm sure it goes without saying that the idiot pit is really confused now. (Like, is that Brooke's Grandpa?) This performance isn't bad, but as with the David duet, the harmonies just aren't there. And whose fault is that? The one who hasn't spent a lifetime making great harmonies with Crosby and Stills (and sometimes Young), that's who.

Hey, David Cook is in the new Guitar Hero III commercial, doing the "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" scene from Risky Business! My roommate totally pitches a tent, but my enjoyment of this is somewhat dampened by a big old "if only." As in "if only Michael Johns were in this commercial."

Now the Jonas Brothers are performing and, for once, the idiot pit girls are the only ones who know or care who the heck these guys are.

Seacrest shows a short compilation of some of the "best of the worst" from the auditions and then brings out Renaldo Lapuz to sing his infamous original song, "I Am Your Brother," with the help of a marching band and cheerleaders. This guy is the next William Hung I guess, but I like him. He seems like a cool dude.

Hey, it's another performance that the idiot pit can get behind - One Republic doing "Apologize." Well, for once, the tweens and I are 'n sync. I love this song. I'm completely floored though that One Republic is actually One or More White Guys. I did not see that coming. David Archuleta joins them on the song and he does a pretty good job, but he obviously doesn't have the range needed for the high notes, so he wisely doesn't even try.

Jordin Sparks performs "One Step At a Time," which sounds like it could be the next Idol single. Hey, wait a minute. What's going on here? I thought she lost her voice and wouldn't be able to sing for a while. Did Clive hook her up to the electrodes too?

The biggest waste of time of the night comes in the form of a lame skit about Gladys Knight's original Pips, who are Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. Oh, what a coincidence...those three have a movie coming out soon! I can't believe that they keep this schtick up for the entire song, "Midnight Train to Georgia." They're giving this more time than they allow the contestants to sing! Oh, it makes me so mad I could just swear! GOSH!!!

Carrie Underwood shows up in an outfit that can only be described as Crystal Carrington-meets-Amanda Woodward. Well, if either of those ladies forgot to put some sort of bottoms on. Then she loudly sings about having drunken, anonymous sex while the camera man tries to give her a full cavity search. Backstage, sweet, innocent Mormon Archie wonders what happened to sweet, innocent Christian Carrie. Is this what happens to the winners? Would Clive Davis force him to use his body to sell records? Quivering in fear, he prays to one of the Latter-Day Saints to let Cook prevail.

Obviously, Little Archie already refused to use sex to sell at least one thing. In his version of the Guitar Hero III commercial, his shirt is much longer and he's wearing baggy boxers. When he falls back onto the couch, he looks more like he's playing with a puppy than jamming out on the gee-tar.

The Top 12 return to the stage, this time with a medley of F'ing George Michael hits - "Faith," "Father Figure," and "Freedom." Clearly, Michael Johns should be allowed to sing "Father Figure" in its entirety. Crikey. He totally gets me feeling frisky with the first line, but then Hernandez the Stripper spoils it by breathily accenting the word "naked" during his line. It's ridiculously funny. It's as if he's saying, "Yeah, NAKED. That's me. I get naked for a living. And, depending on how much money you have, I do other stuff too. Want me to be your Father figure? That'll be $200." Way to cash in on that bad reputation, Forgotten David!

Now, THE actual George Michael comes out.
(Har har. Comes out onto the stage, smart-alecs.) That is George Michael, right? It doesn't really look like him. He sounds different too. (Supposedly he has a cold.) Well, he still sounds fantastic. He sings "Praying For Time," which he should've done on Idol Gives Back instead of Carrie Underwear. Say what you will about George, but the boy can sang. He can sing his face off. He could sing the phone book. I wonder if Paula would cry while he sang the phone book? She weeps openly during this performance.

For my BFF, I will now deliver this message to Ms. Abdul - Honey, you need to sit your ass down!

I guess it was pointless to deliver that message so late in the show. The results are about to be announced! The judges all say nice things to The Davids, and suddenly Simon starts to backpedal away from last night's comments about Cookie. Seems that after playing it back, Archuleta didn't win by knock-out! Hmm, something's fishy here. Do the judges already know the outcome? Has Cook won this and they're trying to make themselves look better? No, they couldn't know, because here comes a guy in a suit with a hermetically sealed package. The results are in there! This is all legit! That guy totally isn't just an out of work actor posing as prim and proper Mr. Certified Vote Keeper, Edward Boddington.

The results are revealed much for that knock-out! David Cook wins by unanimous decision. Damn this show to hell for screwing with my predictions! My record this year sucks! GOSH!!

Anyway, I guess I'm happy for Cookie. I thought maybe winning, for him, would be a curse but why should it be? The guy has real talent. I think he will be able to overcome any stigma that might come from being the American Idol.

Unfortunately, his first single will be the winning entry from the songwriting competition. Not the marginally entertaining "Dream Big" that he sang last night, but the awfully familiar "Time of My Life." Of course, I see why this is the winning song. It's a mid-tempo number with an uplifting message, covering all the required elements (dreams, love, magic, wings, "tasting the moment") and throwing in a couple of items for extra credit (rainbows, "rising from the ashes").

Still, I have to hand it to Cookie, again. Somehow, even this piece of dreck becomes listenable when put in his hands. And he who can turn loser lyrics into a winning song deserves to win. Well-earned, sir.

Also big winners this year: the AI wardrobe and hair stylists. Nice work!


bloody awful poetry said...

Jason Castro is back?? And he sings Hallelujah?? Gosh! I now have incentive to sit through at least half of the Finale!

And thank you so much, O Great Beckeye, for being the awesomest American Idol recapper the Interweb has ever known. Surely your greatness shall never be replicated in any way, shape or form, for the rest of existence.

Red said...

Hilarious as always, Becks. I can't believe Cookie won! I believed in him from the beginning. I should totally have dibs on marring him...especially now that he's gonna and rich a famous.

And I loathe that One Republic song. Seriously. If I have to hear it ever again, I'm gonna kill myself.

Falwless said...

I just love you. That's all. And Jason looked hot. And I'm glad Cook won. And it's all over and I'm a little sad.

Falwless said...

Yeah, I forgot to say - thank you for the week after week after week bouts of laughter. You made this season twelve hundred times better. You rock.

Heather said...

Two points of contention -

1 - Is Castro's brain full, therefore not allowing him to learn a new song? Come on dude, put down the bong and at least try a little.

2 - Is Jordan Sparks the next Alice in Wonderland? What the f*** was she wearing?

As soon as the group starting singing "Faith" I was praying the man was gonna come out. I'm seeing him in Vegas in a month and can hardly wait!!

My DVR cut off the end - I heard David Cook and that was it, so I missed anything after that. Brilliant recap, once again Beck!

Edge said...

Wow ... and extravaganza of mediocrity ...


Gifted Typist said...

Amid all the democratic leadership nonsense, surging oil prices, crazy food costs, and the uncertain world on our doorstep, something deep down inside of me said yes last night. This is how things should be.

Great reviews BeckEye, we'll miss them

Andrew said...

Not to sound as if I'm pandering to my favorite AI blogger, because I truly believe what I'm about to say - Michael Johns stole the show last night. He was fan-freaking (take that any way you wish)-tastic,

Dale said...

We part ways a little here, I liked Mike Myers especially when he was worried Archie might poo in his Pull Ups, loved the Pips thing. I thought Jason sounded worse than his original attempt at Hallelujah and liked the Hero duet. You'd better watch it back and apologize. I'm holding my breath. :-) Nice recap of the excruciatingly long show. Oh, you also answered my 'who sang the George Michael song already this season? question. Thank ye.

Alice said...

i actually turned on the tv and WATCHED the last 15 mins of the finale, so i got to be shocked live and in person at the cookie win. also: NO KIDDING about the AI stylists, they should all get raises.

CDP said...

I will so miss these recaps. I'm glad Cook won, but the show was excruciatingly long.

SkylersDad said...

Thank you for the wonderful recaps and entertainment Beckeye, it is, as always, fantastic!

The high point of the evening for me was Cook playing with ZZ Top. Did you see the look of joy on his face? He was digging it so much he forgot to come back with the lyric after the guitar solo, then laughed at one of the guys who just smiled at him!

cube said...

Great recap of a mediocre finale.

I knew one of the David's was going to win and I really didn't care which one did.

BTW I can't see Michael Johns without thinking of you.

Bond said...

What a freakin waste of two hours that was...

cook deserved to win... now let's see how he does putting out a milquetoast album

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I started to watch the show and LUCKILY did not turn it off before gorgeous Jason came on to sing Jeff Buckley ALMOST as good as Jeff did.

But then I thought...crap I'm not gonna watch the show, I'll just wait to read The Pop Eye, its way more entertaining!!

Bluez said...

Hey if you get a ton of hits today that was me giving out your link to my dispursed friends from my old job who are huge AI fans from our watercooler days. They are now spread out all over CT. Some day you will be as famous as your blog.

Sauntering Soul said...

I was out last night so I Tivo'd the finale to watch later. But something tells me your recap was much more entertaining than watching it will be.

kellypea said...

I couldn't end the season without reading your finale. You outdid yourself on this one. Really. I hope you crack yourself up, because you had us rolling this morning. We are all "Cookie" fans here are are basking in some funky kind of righteousness. Pretty lame when you consider we are too old for all this nonsense. But I liked him from the start. And you're right. The hair and makeup crew did a total job on him. Nice.

Jessica said...

I cannot believe Cook won! :) I'm happy about it...a rocker needed to win for once!

GingerSnaps said... enjoyment of this is somewhat dampened by a big old "if only." As in "if only Michael Johns were in this commercial."

LMAO...I was doing the very same thing...I even Tweeted that sentiment at the time!

Upon reading your take on the Gladys Knight skit, I agree with you in one was way too long...they didn't need to do the entire fact it would've been even funnier had it just been a few seconds of it...

Oh well...

Now what are you going to review on a weekly basis? Whatever it is, I can't wait!

Cindie U. said...

This is the funniest damn thing I've ever read. I had commented that if I was sitting behind Paula, I'd be pissed by the end of the show. Thanks for your wonderful snarkiness!!

Leonesse said...

BeckEye, thank you for keeping me up on what's going down. Wait, that would be Michael saying that to you, but still...

I don't like watching the show, but love, love, love your recaps.

fran said...

Great recap as always! Thanks for making the worst season of AI ever much more bearable :)

"Mr. Johns' Wild Ride" killed me.

My personal highlights of the night were Brooke trying to dance, Bryan Adams reacting uncomfortably to Cook's hand on his shoulder, and Randy's Captain Kangaroo getup. Oh, and also that Carly showed off those legs of hers and looked the best she has all year...mmm.

I'm glad Cook won for sure, but I wish Pa Archuleta hadn't been so gracious when the camera was on him. I wanted anger! Everything you need to know about why Cook is better than Archuleta is encapsulated in that "Hero" performance. Man and boy.

Fran out!

kate said...

oh lord, only after I wipe my tears can I type this. This is the funniest AI wrap-up! Love it.

Suze's Sass said...

My DVR stopped recording the show at the exact moment that Ryan said "and the winner is........." Bastards! I'm glad Cookie won as I picked him from the beginning - well from the top 24 anyway.

Great job this year Beckeye!

BeckEye said...

Thanks to everyone for loyally reading my recaps this year. Now I'm going to go cry that AI is over. It means that (a) my traffic will go way down and (b) I'll have to look harder for topics to write about. Boo!

Anonymous said...

I hope someday you find something else to do besides sit at your computer for hours at a time analyzing shows you apparently hate (so... if you think it's so ridiculous, why are you watching it? And paying enough attention to regurgitate every detail back to us?). And do not make fun of someone's religion. Especially if you don't know enough about it to get the facts right.
You are mean-spirited and i pity you. Maybe you could find a useful hobby so you wouldn't have to do this. Doing service... feeding the poor.... get a job... honestly if you have so much extra time there are a lot more productive ways you could use it. I'd like to do more for other people but I actually have a job. Maybe you could help contribute to society a bit. I don't know, just a thought.

Chancelucky said...

I look forward to following your blog during Season 8.

BeckEye said...

Pityin' in Provo,

I will respond to you. My response actually got kind of long because your lovely sermon brought up a few thoughts that have been rolling around in my head after seeing a bunch of comments on VFTW by people just like you. So, guess what? You're getting your own blog post! I'll probably get around to posting it tomorrow. Right after I get back from my rewarding volunteer work at the soup kitchen.

katrocket said...

It took me 20 minutes to read this damn post, but the Crystal Carrington/Amanda Woodward dress comment made it time well spent.

Mathdude said...

The Love Guru section of the show sucked the most. "The winner is named David" Oh Mike Myers, you are just so funny. How did I not see that lame ass joke from a million miles away?

katrocket said...

Oh, and Beckeye - you gotta check out this Idol Conspiracy!

Steakbellie is hilarious.

Travis said...

Nice job on the recap. And now we put it away for another year. I'll miss your wit and sarcasm.


GingerSnaps said...

Squee! Michael Johns was just on Larry King Live! Squee! He said he will see him Monday night! Squee!!!!

Kristi Mantoni said...

Excellent review! It was an awesome show (much better than last season). I was disappointed that Carly was singing with MJ. He should have done it alone (or with you)! Carly is not bad looking until she tries to hit those high notes, then she turns into a bird of prey.

I guess that's it for this year. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I'll keep stopping by here.


PS - If you need a place to stay in Pierre, I got you covered! My mom live there!

J. Hi said...

Sounds to me like you love Michael Johns. :) I thought for sure that Archie was going to get it but I was plesantly surprised.

Beth said...

Great recap. I laughed out loud five times and snorted once. Your recap almost makes me want to watch.

Amy said...

yes... thank you wardrobe and hairstylists. And maybe even thank you camera tricks and filters.

He's a cutie. Of course, nothing compared to the Johns.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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