American Idol 7 Finale: That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles, Archie

Time once again for FOX's Annual Ad Salesman's Wet Dream!

Ryan Seacrest kicks off the AI Finale by loudly announcing that a record 97.5 million votes were cast last night, way more than in any presidential election.

This just in: On June 2, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are having a karaoke showdown at Bob's Lounge in Pierre, SD. Get your tickets now!


The judges are decked out, as usual, in their best Finale threads. Simon sticks with the black jacket/unbuttoned white shirt combo, Paula squeezes herself into a red dress with a built-in boob ejector seat, and Randy just throws on a bellhop's jacket from the Four Seasons and one of Michael Johns' old ascots and hopes for the best. Sadly, not even Tim Gunn could make it work.

Even though some of the Top 24 from this season weren't invited to the show (Danny Noriega, Kady Malloy, and Colton Berry to name a few), some forgotten Idol wannabes from seasons past are given roving reporter duties in the two Davids' hometowns. Matt Rogers, who has most recently popped up on an infomercial for some kind of Rogaine knock-off, works the Archuleta crowd in Salt Lake City, UT, while Mikalah Gordon, most annoying contestant ever and Fran Drescher knock-off, tries to talk louder than all the Cook fans in Kansas City, MO. She succeeds.

The Top 12 contestants reunite for a cheesy group sing of "Get Ready," accompanied by the So You Think You Can Dance kids. This isn't even halfway enjoyable like their Idol Gives Back performance of "Don't Stop The Music," partially because there aren't nearly enough shots of Michael, but mostly because it just sucks.

Next up is a Dueling Davids duet of "Hero," that Spider-Man song by the Nickelback dude and the Saliva guy. It's not horrible, but I don't think Little Lord Archuleroy has a very good sense of harmony. Daddy has programmed him to be a solo artist, for sure.

The next interminable length of time is spent shamelessly plugging the new Mike Meyers movie, The Love Guru. He spiritually advises the Davids, makes lame jokes to "Ryan Seafoam" and then beats us all over the head with his "Mariska Hargitay" catch-phrase. Yes, we all get it. Ha ha. It was funny the first time, but seriously, enough. Don't make me go all Ice-T on your ass, Meyers.

When that torture finally ends, Syesha takes the stage to sing "Waiting for You" with Seal. It's not a molten hot lava bomb or anything, but it's aight.

Jason Castro returns! Part of me hopes that he sings "I Shot the Sheriff" again just to mess with the producers, but they probably have him hooked up to electrodes to prevent that from happening. He sings "Hallelujah" instead, and I think it sounds better than the first time he sang it. And, did he get cuter over the last couple of weeks? I think he did.

Now it's time for an homage to the best part of every results show - the crappy Ford commercial! There is a quick compilation of all of the past videos, and then Seacrest presents Cookie and Archie with keys to their brand new Ford Escape hybrids. No one looks happier than Archuleta's Dad, who's obviously already planning on taking the new car and sticking little Davey with the rusty old Dodge Aries.

The Top 6 girls don red dresses and take the stage for a medley of Donna Summer tunes. Brooke proves that she is the Whitest girl in America with her misguided attempts to find the beat. Jamless Joplin returns, sounding worse than ever and looking like she wants to O.D. just like her idol. Donna Summer joins the ladies and, even though she's getting old, she still has some hot stuff up her sleeve.

Finally I'm treated to a healthy dose of Michael. He and Carly team up to sing "The Letter." It's definitely not one of my favorite songs, and Carly is doing an awful lot of screaming. Luckily, Michael sounds great and looks as luscious as ever. Oh, to be his duet partner. (Singing? Who said anything about singing?)

Jimmy Kimmel disrupts my daydreaming with a few mildly funny jokes, but I really don't know why he's there. My mind is somewhere else right now.

The show catches up with my mind when the Top 6 boys arrive to sing a Bryan Adams medley, started off beautifully by Michael with "Summer of '69." Michael. 69. Heh heh. Mmeh heh heh. Huh huhuhuh. He said...
Oh, buzz kill, buzz kill! Bryan Adams suddenly appears with a face that looks like sandpaper! He was never exactly a stud, but I'm still a bit shocked by how old and haggard he looks. The girls in the idiot pit aren't shocked, because they have no idea who Bryan is. But does that keep them from mindlessly waving their arms? Of course not!

Jordin Sparks lets us know that the "American Idol Experience" attraction opens this year at Disney World. This sounds promising. I will be first in line for Mr. Johns' Wild Ride.

David Cook takes the stage again, this time with a band I never thought I would see on this show - ZZ Top. They perform "Sharp Dressed Man," and it sounds pretty good. Once again, the idiot pit is clueless as to who these crazy, bearded dudes are.

Brooke is joined by Graham Nash for a duet of "Teach Your Children." I'm sure it goes without saying that the idiot pit is really confused now. (Like, is that Brooke's Grandpa?) This performance isn't bad, but as with the David duet, the harmonies just aren't there. And whose fault is that? The one who hasn't spent a lifetime making great harmonies with Crosby and Stills (and sometimes Young), that's who.

Hey, David Cook is in the new Guitar Hero III commercial, doing the "Old Time Rock 'n Roll" scene from Risky Business! My roommate totally pitches a tent, but my enjoyment of this is somewhat dampened by a big old "if only." As in "if only Michael Johns were in this commercial."

Now the Jonas Brothers are performing and, for once, the idiot pit girls are the only ones who know or care who the heck these guys are.

Seacrest shows a short compilation of some of the "best of the worst" from the auditions and then brings out Renaldo Lapuz to sing his infamous original song, "I Am Your Brother," with the help of a marching band and cheerleaders. This guy is the next William Hung I guess, but I like him. He seems like a cool dude.

Hey, it's another performance that the idiot pit can get behind - One Republic doing "Apologize." Well, for once, the tweens and I are 'n sync. I love this song. I'm completely floored though that One Republic is actually One or More White Guys. I did not see that coming. David Archuleta joins them on the song and he does a pretty good job, but he obviously doesn't have the range needed for the high notes, so he wisely doesn't even try.

Jordin Sparks performs "One Step At a Time," which sounds like it could be the next Idol single. Hey, wait a minute. What's going on here? I thought she lost her voice and wouldn't be able to sing for a while. Did Clive hook her up to the electrodes too?

The biggest waste of time of the night comes in the form of a lame skit about Gladys Knight's original Pips, who are Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey, Jr. Oh, what a coincidence...those three have a movie coming out soon! I can't believe that they keep this schtick up for the entire song, "Midnight Train to Georgia." They're giving this more time than they allow the contestants to sing! Oh, it makes me so mad I could just swear! GOSH!!!

Carrie Underwood shows up in an outfit that can only be described as Crystal Carrington-meets-Amanda Woodward. Well, if either of those ladies forgot to put some sort of bottoms on. Then she loudly sings about having drunken, anonymous sex while the camera man tries to give her a full cavity search. Backstage, sweet, innocent Mormon Archie wonders what happened to sweet, innocent Christian Carrie. Is this what happens to the winners? Would Clive Davis force him to use his body to sell records? Quivering in fear, he prays to one of the Latter-Day Saints to let Cook prevail.

Obviously, Little Archie already refused to use sex to sell at least one thing. In his version of the Guitar Hero III commercial, his shirt is much longer and he's wearing baggy boxers. When he falls back onto the couch, he looks more like he's playing with a puppy than jamming out on the gee-tar.

The Top 12 return to the stage, this time with a medley of F'ing George Michael hits - "Faith," "Father Figure," and "Freedom." Clearly, Michael Johns should be allowed to sing "Father Figure" in its entirety. Crikey. He totally gets me feeling frisky with the first line, but then Hernandez the Stripper spoils it by breathily accenting the word "naked" during his line. It's ridiculously funny. It's as if he's saying, "Yeah, NAKED. That's me. I get naked for a living. And, depending on how much money you have, I do other stuff too. Want me to be your Father figure? That'll be $200." Way to cash in on that bad reputation, Forgotten David!

Now, THE actual George Michael comes out.
(Har har. Comes out onto the stage, smart-alecs.) That is George Michael, right? It doesn't really look like him. He sounds different too. (Supposedly he has a cold.) Well, he still sounds fantastic. He sings "Praying For Time," which he should've done on Idol Gives Back instead of Carrie Underwear. Say what you will about George, but the boy can sang. He can sing his face off. He could sing the phone book. I wonder if Paula would cry while he sang the phone book? She weeps openly during this performance.

For my BFF, I will now deliver this message to Ms. Abdul - Honey, you need to sit your ass down!

I guess it was pointless to deliver that message so late in the show. The results are about to be announced! The judges all say nice things to The Davids, and suddenly Simon starts to backpedal away from last night's comments about Cookie. Seems that after playing it back, Archuleta didn't win by knock-out! Hmm, something's fishy here. Do the judges already know the outcome? Has Cook won this and they're trying to make themselves look better? No, they couldn't know, because here comes a guy in a suit with a hermetically sealed package. The results are in there! This is all legit! That guy totally isn't just an out of work actor posing as prim and proper Mr. Certified Vote Keeper, Edward Boddington.

The results are revealed and...so much for that knock-out! David Cook wins by unanimous decision. Damn this show to hell for screwing with my predictions! My record this year sucks! GOSH!!

Anyway, I guess I'm happy for Cookie. I thought maybe winning, for him, would be a curse but why should it be? The guy has real talent. I think he will be able to overcome any stigma that might come from being the American Idol.

Unfortunately, his first single will be the winning entry from the songwriting competition. Not the marginally entertaining "Dream Big" that he sang last night, but the awfully familiar "Time of My Life." Of course, I see why this is the winning song. It's a mid-tempo number with an uplifting message, covering all the required elements (dreams, love, magic, wings, "tasting the moment") and throwing in a couple of items for extra credit (rainbows, "rising from the ashes").

Still, I have to hand it to Cookie, again. Somehow, even this piece of dreck becomes listenable when put in his hands. And he who can turn loser lyrics into a winning song deserves to win. Well-earned, sir.

Also big winners this year: the AI wardrobe and hair stylists. Nice work!