American Idol 7: The Hokey Pokia at The Nokia

Jason Yeager gets us ready to rumble by announcing that tonight is the "fight of the century." Wow, he got old since getting voted off the show! Oh, hold up, that's Michael Buffer. Sorry, I always get them confused. Can you blame me? Come on, they have to be at least third cousins or something.

The Debasement of the Davids begins when they're spotlighted in separate "corners" of the stage, wearing different colored boxing robes. Do not adjust your TV sets. You are not watching ESPN. This is, in fact, American Idol on FOX. But, wow, this is corny.

You know how you see those special programs on ESPN that try to paint various sports as more important than the air that we breathe? And how they always make you a little squirmy because, I mean, they're just talking about games? Well, it's even more uncomfortable to watch when the same approach is taken with a singing contest. Lots of quick, hip edits and graphics are used for the "backstage" portions of the show and Jim Lampley periodically shows up to disperse little nuggets of athletic wisdom.

Lampley's manly metaphors are often offset with quick cuts to Andrew Lloyd Webber standing backstage acting like Rip Taylor without the confetti basket. Then Andrew props up Clive Davis so he can croak, "You've really got talent, kid," to either of the Davids. He doesn't care which one. He thinks he's talking to Simon and Garfunkel, anyway.

Oh, snap! With all this nonsense, I almost forgot there was a singing contest going on. Let's see if the Davids can somehow make this night worth watching.

Round 1 - Clive Davis' pick

Cookie kicks things off with U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For." I hate this song because the title ends with a preposition. I guess "I Still Haven't Found That For Which I've Been Looking" just didn't roll off the tongue quite as well. Actually, I really don't care about word placement here, but it really is one of the few (pre-Pop) U2 songs that I truly dislike. I don't know if it's just because it was so overplayed or if it's because it's dull and plodding. Maybe both. At any rate, I'm surprised to find myself really digging Cook's version. I might be so bold as to say that it's even better than the real thing. He is really proving his genuineness right now, because most performers would have a hard time avoiding the urge to do a Bono impression. Although Randy says that David didn't do "everything he could have done" (I guess he would've preferred a Bono impression), he still thinks the performance is hot. Paula gushes about Cookie's voice, and Simon reaches into his old bag of 50-cent words and pulls out "phenomenal."

Little Lord Archuleroy tries his best to fill the shoes of Sir Elton John...and Dame George Michael...and Unspecified Clay Aiken by singing "Don't Let The Sun Go Down on Me." He sort of just walks around in their shoes like a little kid trying on his Daddy's hunting boots, but it's a valiant effort. He sounds fine, but I'm not loving all the syllables he's shoving into every verse and I really hate the vocal histrionics at the end. However, the judges act like Archie controls the sun by slobbering over him accordingly. Randy breaks out his favorite phrase from this season by calling the number "molten hot." Paula has chills. (Maybe because she's wearing nothing?) Simon says that this performance is David's best so far and awards him Round 1. David wheezes and blushes and goshes and nearly passes out.

Round 2 - Original Songs

Not The Davids' original songs, silly! Although I'm sure the Little Lord probably has a bunch of potential hits scribbled in his Care Bears notebook ("Oh Gosh," "Kittens Are Swell," "Daddy Dearest"), each contestant gets to choose a song from the Top 10 entries in the songwriting competition. This is a welcome tweak to this year's Finale, saving us all from sitting through two different spins on the same sappy mid-tempo ballad.

Cookie's choice is called "Dream Big," which sounds just about right. A song about dreaming? On Idol?? Who'da thunk it? But wait. This actually...isn't...bad. I can't believe I'm saying this. Okay, so the lyrics about dreams and faith and reaching for the stars are typical AI cheese, but David Cook is actually rising above them and turning in a very good performance. The way he's doing it makes it almost sound like a lost Bon Jovi song or something. Randy doesn't like the song but thinks Cook "sang his face off." Paula actually says something sensible and nearly poetic, and I really should've written it down, but the hell with it. I could rewind to catch it again, but I've already moved on to Simon. He goes back to the boxing metaphors by calling the performance "a lightweight" and complaining that it didn't feel like "a winning moment." Like this. Inside his heaven. Well, whatever. Cookie makes me proud and that's all that matters.

Speaking of "moments," Little Lord Archuleroy's next song is called "In This Moment." Good Lord. I feel like every one of these songwriters picks their song title by using the official American Idol magnetic poetry kit. They might even write the whole damn gosh-darn song that way. Even though these lyrics are pure crap that make Archie just sound like he's patting himself on the back for being so golly-gee-whiz wonderful, he's singing it really well. In fact, for the first time in a long time, I actually enjoy his performance. If this was the first time I'd ever heard him sing, I would think he was terrific. But that's the problem, isn't it? This isn't the first time I've heard him sing, and this certainly isn't the first time I've heard him sing a song just like this. He's just a broken record to me. But the judges are having a moment, and they're drooling all over Davey again. Randy is not crazy about this song either, but lets fly the "you could sing the phone book" analogy. (Talk about a broken record.) Paula says David is "pure magic." Simon loves the "fantastically self-centered song" and awards Round 2 to Archie also. David clutches at his chest, cries invisible tears and shakes uncontrollably.

Round 3 - Contestants' pick

For his final performance, David Cook chooses to sing Collective Soul's "The World I Know." I really like Collective Soul and think that they've always been highly underrated, but this is kind of a dull song. It's pretty, but still dull. I'm not sure why Cookie would want to go out on such a mellow note. Even though it's my least favorite of his three numbers, I'm still enjoying it and think that David's voice has been in great shape all night. Cookie begins to openly weep when the song is through, but manages to reign it in before it gets out of control. Normally, I don't like when the contestants cry because it usually comes off as fake (hi, Syesha) but I believe that Cookie is showing honest emotions here. He's had a lot to deal with during the course of this show. Randy thinks it's cool that Cook has shown "all of his sides" tonight and Paula agrees, adding that he always brings originality and integrity to his performances. Simon tells David that he's one of the nicest, most sincere contestants he's ever known, but that he picked the wrong song to go out on. Then he actually suggests that he should have done a retread of "Billie Jean" or "Hello." Oh, give me a break. Cookie was wise to pick something new. I hate when contestants cop out at the Finale by singing something they've already done.

So...can you imagine what Archie is singing? That's right! "Imagine!" Something that he's already done!!! I didn't like his version of this song the first time around and I still don't like it. Here's my four-word critique: squinty, licky, boring, predictable. The judges can't hold themselves to four words. They can barely contain their critiques to forty. Randy exclaims that the Little Lord is the best singer and "exactly what this show is about." (AI = squinty, licky, boring, predictable. Good to know.) Paula is stunned speechless. Good. Thank Gosh for small favors. Simon goes back to the boxing jargon again and declares that this match just ended in a knock-out. Archie blinks furiously and sways dizzily while desperately trying to nail a "humble" expression which morphs into something more like "constipated." A little puddle of urine suddenly appears near his right foot as he repeatedly mouths something that looks like, "Please...you must vote for me...my Dad will blow up the building if I don't win."

To close out the show, Ruben Studdard is trotted out to sing this year's Idol kiss of death song, "Celebrate Me Home." Look, Davids! If you win, one day, you could be just like Ruben Studdard! Run!!

So, who is the next American Idol?? Well, I thought I had this all figured out, but tonight threw me off. I originally thought that Archuleta was the chosen one. Then, over the last few weeks I started to think that the show really wanted Cook to win because they think it will give them more credibility to have a "rocker" win. But now, with the excessive pimping of Archie...I just don't know. I'm so confused! Was Simon trying using reverse psychology by being harder on Cookie so that more people would worry about him and vote? Or does he honestly think Archie deserves to win and tried to be as obvious as possible to guide the sheep who always vote his way? What is going on??

Archuleta is more malleable and in need of guidance. He's a one-trick pony. He needs to win the show much more than Cook. Cookie doesn't need Simon or Nigel or Clive's advice. He knows what he's doing. If anything, the Idol crown might actually work against him.

So, who should win? David Cook. Who needs to win? David Archuleta. Who will win? Uhhh...GOSH! This is hard! Based on the judges' comments tonight, I think I have to revert back to my original prediction that Little Lord Archuleroy takes it all. But the real winner will be Michael Johns, who will go on to sell more records (and fuel more fevered dreams) than either of these guys!