Mailbag Madness: An Open Letter to an Archutard

I don't do the "mailbag" thing (unlike the superior Mathdude), nor do I generally devote more than a minute to crazy, anonymous commenters. But since I'm already mired in my annual post-Idol funk, I figured that answering one particular commenter would allow me to (a) write something, (b) yap about AI some more even though it's over, and (c) work on my people skills.

So, here is a comment I received on my Idol finale post from...oh, I don't know. Let's call him/her "Pissed off in Provo." My response follows.

I hope someday you find something else to do besides sit at your computer for hours at a time analyzing shows you apparently hate (so... if you think it's so ridiculous, why are you watching it? And paying enough attention to regurgitate every detail back to us?). And do not make fun of someone's religion. Especially if you don't know enough about it to get the facts right.

You are mean-spirited and i pity you. Maybe you could find a useful hobby so you wouldn't have to do this. Doing service... feeding the poor.... get a job... honestly if you have so much extra time there are a lot more productive ways you could use it. I'd like to do more for other people but I actually have a job. Maybe you could help contribute to society a bit. I don't know, just a thought.

Dearest Anonymous,

Sure, I'll play. But I hope you know that I'm blowing off my teaching duties at the School for the Blind so I can respond to you.

The reason that I’ve decided to devote a full post to answering your comment is because your comment is so common. I've seen folks like you over at VFTW and other blogs asking the same old question - "If you hate [American Idol], why do you watch it?" Exactly. Why would I?
Well, it’s simple. I wouldn't. If your reading comprehension is at least at a 3^rd grade level, you should be able to grasp the concept that I’m completely addicted to this show. I love it. How did you ever come to the assumption that I hated it? Just because I dare to complain about its faults? I like it enough that I want it to be better. What you call “mean-spirited” is really just “honest.” Negative opinions are every bit as valid as positive opinions, Pollyanna Abdul. Sure, maybe my opinions are served up with a healthy dose of snark and cynicism (and the occasional low blow), but why not? It’s only a TV show. It’s pure, mindless entertainment. The day I start taking it too seriously is the day I check myself in to Bellevue.

As far as making fun of "someone’s" religion, when did I do that? I mentioned that Archuleta was a Mormon and I made an innocuous reference to a “Latter-Day Saint,” but that hardly counts as bashing his whole belief system. Again, your reading comprehension level is in question. If you want some real Mormon-bashing, go talk to Coaster Punchman. He’s done the research, so he can tell you exactly why they’re all crazy. (My long-standing crush on Steve Young precludes me from doing so. Just like my love of John Travolta makes me super-tolerant of Scientology.)

Now…I don't know if you know what StatCounter is, but it's an interesting little service. It lets me see where my visitors are coming from, how long they’ve stayed, etc. I'm always especially curious about the people who bravely leave angry comments from behind the veil of anonymity. So...judging by the time your comment was made, it looks like you're in Provo, Utah at Brigham Young. Oh, well it all makes sense now! You're just upset about little Archie coming in 2nd place. Look, I understand. I had a minor freak-out when Michael Johns was voted off. But I didn’t go trolling random blogs, leaving “I pity th’ fool who disses Michael” comments. I just got my anger out by killing a drifter. (Hmm…I hope that guy wasn’t a Mormon or I’m really going to Hell.)

If you had the ability to laugh, you'd really get a kick out of your hypocrisy. You bash me for judging AI, judging the contestants (major plot point: they are actually there to be judged) and ridiculing things that I know nothing about while sanctimoniously making assumptions about my character. GOSH! Maybe before writing all that, you should've asked yourself, "What Would Archie Do?"

And, really, you hung out on my blog for a little over half an hour? Wow. Thanks? I hope someday you find something else to do besides sit at your computer for (half) hours at a time, analyzing blogs you apparently hate. (So...if you think mine is so ridiculous, why are you reading it, and taking the time to write a sermon?)

I really wish you had given this powerful speech back in February. Imagine all the good I could've been doing for the world instead of just watching AI. Well, maybe. You see, I do have a job. So, I have a blog and a job. That gives me twice as many excuses as you for not having more time to give, give, give! (By the way, because I hate the show so much, I donated to Idol Gives Back. Did you? Or were you too busy working?)

You really think I don’t have dreams or goals? You think I don’t want to make the world a better place? I do! In fact, you’ve inspired me to act. I plan to devote myself to wiping out the epidemic of PC bullshittery and sour-pussitude that plagues many folks just like you. From this day forward, I will work tirelessly to ensure that everyone in this country has access to a sense of humor.

To my fellow bloggers - I hope you will contribute to this worthy cause. It costs nothing. By giving just a few minutes of your time a day, we can remove the sticks from millions of tight asses, thereby turning the humorless refuse into well-adjusted, functional members of society.

Postscript: I know a lot of bloggers turn off anonymous comments or enable "comment moderation," but I don't think I'll ever do that. The majority of my anonymous comments are from perfectly nice people who just don't feel like signing up with a Blogger or Google account. As for the rude or angry ones, well if the "racist, fat whore" commenter didn't scare me off, no one will! I'm all for free speech. Obviously, not everyone is going to like me or my blog, and if they want to tell me so, then they can. Their opinions are just as welcome as anyone else's. But, I wish that they would have the guts and courtesy to at least leave a name. After all, some of the things I say here may not be popular but at least everyone knows that I wrote it.