Monday, May 26, 2008

Mailbag Madness: An Open Letter to an Archutard

I don't do the "mailbag" thing (unlike the superior Mathdude), nor do I generally devote more than a minute to crazy, anonymous commenters. But since I'm already mired in my annual post-Idol funk, I figured that answering one particular commenter would allow me to (a) write something, (b) yap about AI some more even though it's over, and (c) work on my people skills.

So, here is a comment I received on my Idol finale post from...oh, I don't know. Let's call him/her "Pissed off in Provo." My response follows.

I hope someday you find something else to do besides sit at your computer for hours at a time analyzing shows you apparently hate (so... if you think it's so ridiculous, why are you watching it? And paying enough attention to regurgitate every detail back to us?). And do not make fun of someone's religion. Especially if you don't know enough about it to get the facts right.

You are mean-spirited and i pity you. Maybe you could find a useful hobby so you wouldn't have to do this. Doing service... feeding the poor.... get a job... honestly if you have so much extra time there are a lot more productive ways you could use it. I'd like to do more for other people but I actually have a job. Maybe you could help contribute to society a bit. I don't know, just a thought.

Dearest Anonymous,

Sure, I'll play. But I hope you know that I'm blowing off my teaching duties at the School for the Blind so I can respond to you.

The reason that I’ve decided to devote a full post to answering your comment is because your comment is so common. I've seen folks like you over at VFTW and other blogs asking the same old question - "If you hate [American Idol], why do you watch it?" Exactly. Why would I?
Well, it’s simple. I wouldn't. If your reading comprehension is at least at a 3rd grade level, you should be able to grasp the concept that I’m completely addicted to this show. I love it. How did you ever come to the assumption that I hated it? Just because I dare to complain about its faults? I like it enough that I want it to be better. What you call “mean-spirited” is really just “honest.” Negative opinions are every bit as valid as positive opinions, Pollyanna Abdul. Sure, maybe my opinions are served up with a healthy dose of snark and cynicism (and the occasional low blow), but why not? It’s only a TV show. It’s pure, mindless entertainment. The day I start taking it too seriously is the day I check myself in to Bellevue.

As far as making fun of "someone’s" religion, when did I do that? I mentioned that Archuleta was a Mormon and I made an innocuous reference to a “Latter-Day Saint,” but that hardly counts as bashing his whole belief system. Again, your reading comprehension level is in question. If you want some real Mormon-bashing, go talk to Coaster Punchman. He’s done the research, so he can tell you exactly why they’re all crazy. (My long-standing crush on Steve Young precludes me from doing so. Just like my love of John Travolta makes me super-tolerant of Scientology.)

Now…I don't know if you know what StatCounter is, but it's an interesting little service. It lets me see where my visitors are coming from, how long they’ve stayed, etc. I'm always especially curious about the people who bravely leave angry comments from behind the veil of anonymity. So...judging by the time your comment was made, it looks like you're in Provo, Utah at Brigham Young. Oh, well it all makes sense now! You're just upset about little Archie coming in 2nd place. Look, I understand. I had a minor freak-out when Michael Johns was voted off. But I didn’t go trolling random blogs, leaving “I pity th’ fool who disses Michael” comments. I just got my anger out by killing a drifter. (Hmm…I hope that guy wasn’t a Mormon or I’m really going to Hell.)

If you had the ability to laugh, you'd really get a kick out of your hypocrisy. You bash me for judging AI, judging the contestants (major plot point: they are actually there to be judged) and ridiculing things that I know nothing about while sanctimoniously making assumptions about my character. GOSH! Maybe before writing all that, you should've asked yourself, "What Would Archie Do?"

And, really, you hung out on my blog for a little over half an hour? Wow. Thanks? I hope someday you find something else to do besides sit at your computer for (half) hours at a time, analyzing blogs you apparently hate. (So...if you think mine is so ridiculous, why are you reading it, and taking the time to write a sermon?)

I really wish you had given this powerful speech back in February. Imagine all the good I could've been doing for the world instead of just watching AI. Well, maybe. You see, I do have a job. So, I have a blog and a job. That gives me twice as many excuses as you for not having more time to give, give, give! (By the way, because I hate the show so much, I donated to Idol Gives Back. Did you? Or were you too busy working?)

You really think I don’t have dreams or goals? You think I don’t want to make the world a better place? I do! In fact, you’ve inspired me to act. I plan to devote myself to wiping out the epidemic of PC bullshittery and sour-pussitude that plagues many folks just like you. From this day forward, I will work tirelessly to ensure that everyone in this country has access to a sense of humor.

To my fellow bloggers - I hope you will contribute to this worthy cause. It costs nothing. By giving just a few minutes of your time a day, we can remove the sticks from millions of tight asses, thereby turning the humorless refuse into well-adjusted, functional members of society.

Postscript: I know a lot of bloggers turn off anonymous comments or enable "comment moderation," but I don't think I'll ever do that. The majority of my anonymous comments are from perfectly nice people who just don't feel like signing up with a Blogger or Google account. As for the rude or angry ones, well if the "racist, fat whore" commenter didn't scare me off, no one will! I'm all for free speech. Obviously, not everyone is going to like me or my blog, and if they want to tell me so, then they can. Their opinions are just as welcome as anyone else's. But, I wish that they would have the guts and courtesy to at least leave a name. After all, some of the things I say here may not be popular but at least everyone knows that I wrote it.


kellypea said...

Way to let it rip! I always find it fascinating that people take the time to write something without leaving a name. Hell, even xyz666 is a typical identity on the net, yanno? Who cares what they think if they won't own it? Nice snark Beckeye. Very. And the shot of you and hunky Johns is excellent.

FranIAm said...

"You are mean-spirited and i pity you..."

Well you are a little mean spirited.. in a totally good way, as I see it.

I love your smart reply! Smart, slightly mean spirited and totally the right thing to say.

Rock on Beck Eye, you are my idol.

Travis said...

I figure a person has 3 choices when reading a blog post. The person can respond in basic agreement, or the person can respond in disagreement, or the person can move on without response.

Whatever the choice, the person should own it. Otherwise, as Kellypea said, who cares?

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I only wish I had your talent for the type of wit, humor and snark that you use to entertain us (and/or remove sticks from asses of certain commenters). Your talent is superb and anyone who doesn't get it, well I just feel sorry for them, seriously, I do.

on a personal note....stop by and see my son's tattoo and feel my pain...

bloody awful poetry said...

You are my hero. That was crazy awesome shit! I agree with every letter and every punctuation mark.
And as Kellypea pointed out, the shot of you and Mr Johns is pure genius.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I practically flipped over my desk in my hurry to stand up and do the slow clap for you. That was beyond awesome! You are officially my hero now.

It's fun to save those hate mails sometimes. I have my very first one displayed in my sidebar where I can admire it's stupidity whenever I feel the need to feel smart.

Speaking of sidebars, is your head on backward in your photo? Just asking - signed, anonymous.

BeckEye said...

Ok, my head is not on backwards. I'm coyly looking over my shoulder and grinning back at the camera as if to say, "Look at this stud molesting the microphone next to me."

For comparison, here is the original shot:

BeckEye said...

Original photo

doorknob_dan said...

I disagree with you 100% and you're going to H-E-double hockey sticks, miss!

Just kidding.

I know you didn't... but let's say you DID mock religion or beliefs or whatever here -on your own blog, I might add. It's your blog, not JEEBUS'S!

Anyways, I love comments like that, not that I receive any because I'm not poop-u-lar enough. But y'know.

Falwless said...

This was beautiful. Truly.

CDP said...

Outstanding response!

SkylersDad said...

You rock Beckeye! I am also quite jealous, because all I have ever received on my blog from anon is spelling advice... sigh...

cube said...

bwa ha ha ha! I love your reply.

Mathdude said...

I'm even more jealous of you for that commenter than ever! What's a blogger got to do around here to get some hate mail, 'cause I thought I was doing it! Keep up the good work!

Bond said...

I do moderate comments and also ALLOW anonymous comments. I have posted every comment ever sent in except for three which were all solicitations to 'link up together' to blogs that are commercials for some product.

I do wonder about those who will not put their name on a comment...

GingerSnaps said...

*Cheers & Applause! Cheers & Applause!*

The best response to a troll ever! I bow to you.

Chancelucky said...

I just want to know where you got that picture of me?

Dale said...

I hope you watched Larry King for more round the clock Idol goodness Beckeye. I hate myself for watching it. I am going now to leave myself an anonymous comment announcing just that!

Well done Missy!

Gifted Typist said...

"You really think I don’t have dreams or goals? You think I don’t want to make the world a better place? I do!"

Positively inspiring.It's like listening to a speech by JFK or Abe Lincoln or something.

Kristi Mantoni said...

I love your response. I only have one correction. MINOR freak-out when MJ was voted off?!?! If that was minor, I'd hate to see a major!!!

"It's all wrong but it's all right" is still at the top of my list!!

BTW - I'm jealous! I haven't gotten any hate least none that I remember.

fran said...

Excellent, witty and thorough response. It looks like Mr. Provo was more motivated by religion in his opinions and response than you were in your blog.

pistols at dawn said...

When I think of the 3,022,121 things I've posted, I only remember 2 negative anonymous comments - one from a classical musician who didn't understand why I found a violin's "f hole" to be hilarious, and another from a single mom who didn't enjoy my "tips on mom dating again" post, which was full of crude references to double-teaming and dirty sanchezes.

I think I answered them both with: "You're right. I'm an idiot," because then there's nowhere for things to go.

Leonesse said...

You just keep on keepin' on and let the Sharon Stones of this world insert their overpriced and ill fitting shoes.

Leonesse said...

And you should really find a horrible pic of Sharon and do a Caption Contest!

katrocket said...

Hey, that was kinda fun.

The only time I get angry anonymous comments is when I've made fun of Idols. AI fans are quite a passionate group. Some of them just happen to be cowards.

Alotta Vagina said...

I don't understand why anyone would choose to be "anonymous" when they can just make up any random name anyways.

Writeprocrastinator said...


"And paying enough attention to regurgitate every detail back to us?"

She does that so that people like me, can follow. People that work different shifts. People that just want to keep up on pop culture.

"And do not make fun of someone's religion."

You are the heathen, here. She is the all-knowing, all-seeing Popeye. Be careful that she doesn't smite thee with a couple of well-placed barbs, that will leave you crying in therapy for years.

"You are mean-spirited and i pity you."

It's snark, nothing more than just that. A little fun for everyone to enjoy, especially when they realize that she is just kidding. If it's not for you, go check out another blog.

Grant Miller said...

Oooops! I totally forgot to sign in when I left that comment!


The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

I don't watch American Idol (I know I'm a total freak, but I cringe at the humiliation of the poor sad dumb people) but I still read this blog anyway because it is a freaking good blog with freaking good writing.

The absurdity of someone admonishing you for wasting your time writing your blog while they have wasted their time reading it and commenting on it is beyond me.

LoraLoo said...

I'm so busy clapping I can't even come up with a response... except that, You are fabulous.

I've also enjoyed all the comments here, it's a witty bunch hanging out at your place.

Coaster Punchman said...

Oh fer cryin' out loud girl, don't go sending more of those crazies my way. It took me long enough to get rid of Sush i Boy - what are you trying to do to me????


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine