Friday, June 06, 2008

Caption Crotch-test Contest #11

"Though scientists said it couldn't be done, Fergie manages to simultaneously shit out of two orifices."


I have to give a shout out to Doorknob Dan, who just kept on captioning and never quit. That's the mark of a true winner. But not on this blog.

This is the second month in a row that I needed help from the good ol' BFF to pick the contest winner, as it was a tight race between Pistols at Dawn and Splotchy. Pistols prevailed, making this the first time that Pistols has ever said the right thing to a woman (let alone two). Making it more exciting is the fact that he is the first person to ever win the Firecrotch award twice! If he goes for three, I'll have to give him some penicillin along with the badge.


Display this proudly, Pistols. Remember, I know you know how to post pictures now.

48 comments:

Suze's Sass said...

Do you like my hump? My Hump? My lovely lady lumps?

evil-e said...

A girl who does not like top 40 trash and who likes the Steelers. You were dropped from another planet. A wonderful planet.

Funny stuff. maybe her "lumps" are poop??

Metal Mark said...

She scares me... a lot.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Sharon Stone + me + Michael Douglas + two ice picks = fun!

pistols at dawn said...

Though scientists said it couldn't be done, Fergie manages to simultaneously shit out of two orifices.

Splotchy said...

I don't really have anything good for this go-around, but I just wanted to point out that during this particular performance she was writhing all over the stage, doing her best at making it sexy writhing, sometimes mere inches from the eight and nine year olds in the early morning audience.

Oh, what the hell, I'll try for a firecrotch anyways.

"I call this my classy squat."

Bubs said...

I had the boys at Depends do these custom-lined black pleather breeches for me. No wet spot now, huh bee-yotches!

Bond said...

OK, I will set the world record here...step right up boys...who is next...get 'em ready...slide it in"

yeah I know it is rude and crude...but so is this contest!

Alice said...

heee. i've got nothing, but pistols and splotchy are FUNNY.

Sauntering Soul said...

I also have nothing but the comments are cracking me up.

larsmcmanus said...

Yes, yes, you are all very amusing.

larsmcmanus said...

She must be Norwegian, because "Fergie" in Norwegian means skanky whore.

Heather said...

Is that Fergie or Maria Shriver? Scary!!

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

not caption but she scares me too...funny stuff here.

Mike said...

"does that fat guy with the pink 1980's tie behind me think these pants make my hump look huge?"

dguzman said...

"And then I holds my shit down here and I shake my ass! And they pay me large, bitch!"

Beth said...

No caption at the moment ... but how the FRICK does she keep Josh Duhamel? I don't pee in my panties when I'm on stage ...

fran said...

The first person who guesses what nasty substance just dropped into my cupped hand wins a cameo appearance in my "E! True Hollywood Story"!

Moxie said...

Pistols is my favorite too.

cube said...

Well, she's already peed her pants while performing, maybe she's going for #2.

Did I just say that?

Beckeye, you're a bad influence.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

"Invisible mini-motorcycles. I rides them."

doorknob_dan said...

Fergie practices her
"sex-crouch" for the day her ugliness ever goes away and she gets a man.

doorknob_dan said...

Not only is Fergie wearing leather pants, but she's also wearing a leather face mask!

Oh wait, that's not a mask.

doorknob_dan said...

Fergie finds herself turning to leather pants often, her vajeen-acid keeps eating through cotton and other less-durable fabrics. Kinda like the alien blood in Aliens, except scarier.

doorknob_dan said...

She ain't pretty, she just looks that way.

doorknob_dan said...

Jocelyn Wildenstein, the 'cat lady' (of plastic surgery fame) prepares for her speech to midgets on the importance of accepting yourself as you are.

doorknob_dan said...

"The things I do for crystal meth. This is the last time I pose like this, dressed anyways, I swear. Why hasn't Playboy called yet?"

doorknob_dan said...

"This dildo I forgot to take out is really getting uncomfortable."

doorknob_dan said...

"These anal beads I forgot to take out are really getting uncomfortable."

doorknob_dan said...

"I really really wish that guy in the front row would throw his bottle at me. Like hey, can't you see my treasure chest all open and ready, stupid? What are you waiting for?"

doorknob_dan said...

[Shot taken right before the seam in Fergie's pants broke and the midget fell out.]

doorknob_dan said...

"These are the lady lumps that make me famous, and this is my lumpy face that makes me infamous!"

doorknob_dan said...

[Soothing British voiceover]
"Silently, the Californian jaguar creeps up on its unsuspecting prey, and waits patiently for it to fill its crack pipe before she strikes."

doorknob_dan said...

The zombie vampires were getting closer to the walls of the remaining human outpost while their leader employed psychological warfare by chanting frightening nonsense through loudspeakers around the perimeter.

Dave knew it was going to be a long, sleepless night with the incessant screeching of the vampire Queen blaring over the sounds of women and children sobbing in the camp.

Hopefully by morning they would be able to come up with a way to track the vampires to their lair while they slept and at least stab that leader bitch through her shrivelled evil heart so she would shut the fuck up and they could get a decent nights sleep for once.

doorknob_dan said...

Dreamworks could do magic: Morphing 10 minutes of chimpanzee motion captured movements into a 90 minute performance by Fergie. Sure there were a few quirks in the translation that Dreamworks couldn't iron out, like feces flinging, face making, and the odd squat and pee [pictured], however it was still a marvelous display of technology.

doorknob_dan said...

Hard rock band, Warrant [pictured], is still popular in the new millenium.

doorknob_dan said...

After falling out of a tree while hunting for the meth fairy, Fergie realized she had broken her ankle pretty bad and had to crouch and hobble all the way home, only stopping once to put on a concert in NYC.

Mathdude said...

Holy crap DD, lay off the speed and the meth for awhile.

Filming began this week for the upcoming film Freaky Friday II in which Fergie's career makes a comback when she trades bodies with a chimpanzee.

Slave to the dogs said...

"If I push a little harder I can squeeze out one more hit...."

Rats, if there were an HTML tag for a thought bubble this would be much funnier.

Tootsie said...

I'm a little tea pot short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout....

gifted typist said...

Lady Lump Hump simulates a dump

doorknob_dan said...

MD:
Heroin.

Makes me happy.

As a side note, my word verification is: qksbkeky

"Quick is Becky," however, 'Bkeky' sounds like a cross between Bukkake and Becky which when imagined as a combination, gives me immense gratification.

Dale said...

Dude looks like a lady. A lady who pees her pants every now and then.

Doc said...

Thank you Dear for meeting Flannery and providing her with one of the most memorable nights of her life. She came home to gush about what a wonderful person you are, but I could have told her that before she left. I look forward to the time when I can do you the same favor, or at least have you show this redneck around the Big Apple. As always, your insight proves invalueable.

Doc

Distributorcap said...

is matt lauer hiding in there?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Oh well done!

pistols at dawn said...

Yes! Yes! I'd just like to thank me, for being so damned hilarious, and to BeckEye and her BFF, for recognizing that hilarity via an award.

"Multi-award winning pundit" has such a good ring to it. So does "not gracious in victory."

doorknob_dan said...

"Shout-out received!"

(Or whatever people do to acknowledge their recent snub.)

 

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