Thursday, June 19, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Firecrotch: The Next Generation - Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth this morning, after only being knocked up for what seemed like a month. The bouncing baby girl was named Maddie. In future news: Maddie Spears is charged with an FUI for wrecklessly flying her jetpack through Hollywood. As part of her sentence, she enters Dr. Drew Pinski, Jr.'s rehab facility/tanning salon on Mars. A throng of robot photographers are on hand when she checks in, and they all luck out when she flashes her beav trying to get out of the police shuttle.

Ringo Starr Steals John Lennon's Act - Instead of wishing Ringo a "Happy Birthday" on July 7, the drummer is requesting that all Americans celebrate it as "Peace and Love Day," by saying "peace and love" in unison when the clock strikes noon. If Ringo really wanted this to work, he'd realize that the way to an American's heart is through paid time off. Unless he can see to it that Peace and Love Day becomes an official holiday, it's going to be war and hate as usual.

Pam and Tommy: Take Infinity - Seems that Pamela Anderson has moved back in with Tommy Lee and their two sons. Tommy told Rolling Stone, "It’s awesome, man. It’s definitely working. You can tell on the kids’ faces — they’re happy when we’re together." Tommy, dude, I hate to break it to you but the kids' faces have been frozen in those same wide-eyed expressions ever since one of their buddies from school showed them your sex tape. They will never know true "happiness" again!

Guns N' Roses Are Back, Man! - DUDES!! Nine songs from the fabled G N' R album, Chinese Democracy, have been leaked to the Internet and...oh...hold up. Nope, they're gone. Were they ever really there or is this another publicity stunt/hoax? All I know is that if this record ever surfaces, it better be pretty damn groundbreaking if it's going to live up to 13 years of hype. It's gotta be at least as good as Eddie and The Cruisers' Season in Hell.

Base-a-ball Been Berry Berry Good To Some - Yahoo! Sports released its list of the most overpaid and underpaid people in baseball. Let me sum up. Most overpaid: All major league players and coaches. Most underpaid: Peanut vendors, organists, groundskeepers, ticket sellers, ticket takers, mascots, towel boys, seat ushers and, of course, the fans.

16 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Your baseball take is spot on Beckeye!

fran said...

Baseball players will be overpaid and vendors will be underpaid the first time someone shells out $35 to watch a guy carry around a big tray of peanuts and make change.

(See what I did there? "Shells out"? Haha.)

Also, I'm dying for that GNR album. It has to be better than Velvet Revolver or Axl loses.

Suze's Sass said...

LOL on the frozen faces of Pam and Tommy's kids. They might've walked in on their dad in the shower also. I heard that brings a lot of blank stares!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Well I WAS going to say that I needed a shower after reading that, but now that the image of Tommy in the shower has reared its ugly head, that is no longer an option.

evil-e said...

Chinese Democracy...Chinese Arithmetic...Chinese carry-out, I don't care what they call it, just get it out already. This urban legend of an album, as you say, better be damned good if it ever does surface.

All athletes are overpaid, along with movie stars, crappy pop ensembles, and Bono.
The most overpaid people in basketball these days are the referees apparently.

cube said...

I love the dish here even though it's not always really like a real dish... you know?

I'm just happy for those two kids who just had a kid... well, um, I hope that poor baby is taken care of, you know.

Gifted Typist said...

I think it was Dr. Monkey who pointed that news is just in: Young Maddie is preggers

Knot said...

Man you hit it all today, Pam's jugs, jamie Lynn's firecrtoch what more could I ask for on a Friday?

Knot

Dale said...

I love the idea that Ringo thinks he has so much power. I also love your comments about paid time off. And everything else.

Beth said...

Did Ringo set a timezone for that noon chant? Or will it just flow like some aural wave across the world?

Mathdude said...

In honor of Ringo's birthday on July 7th, at noon I'm chanting "Your 15 minutes are up Ringo!"

CDP said...

Beth made my comment for me...how did he account for the fact that noon here is 9 am in California?

Dr Zibbs said...

And all I know about Guns-n-Roses is that Axel's face looks like a big ole' friggin' pumpkin. Wuuuh Happened?

Red said...

No way Chinese Democracy will be good. In, like, any universe.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Is it true that Dr. Pepper will give everyone in America a free soda if "Chinese Democracy" is released this year? And aren't we coming up on the tenth anniversary of the first release date of same said album (or does it just seem that way)?

genn6 said...

brilliant post! Laughed my way through the whole damn thing....

 

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