Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Regardless of What I Say Next, I Would Still Make Out With The Guy

The latest word from behind the scenes at the American Idol tour is that my beloved Michael Johns has grown a mustache, which begs the question - Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this?

Michael says that he thinks the mustache will do for him what the ascot couldn't. What is he shooting for? Getting a job on the Love Boat? This better not be one of those Johnny Depp I'm-too-gorgeous-for-my-own-good uglification moves.

No pictures have surfaced as of yet, which I'm very thankful for, but the lack of pictorial evidence has also caused my brain to be consumed with thoughts of what horrific facial hair configurations he may be cooking up. Let's take a look at some of the possibilities...

Here is Michael in his natural, glorious, semi-stubbly state:















For a first foray into mustache territory, it's logical that Michael would choose either the classic stache or the porno stache. These two are very similar, but the porno stache is more disheveled. It is also usually accompanied by a bad, fake tan.


Burt JohnsLong Dong Johns

Other, more adventurous possibilities include:
Michael Johns WatersMiketallica
Adolph JohnsSnidely Whipjohns

I've tried to keep an open mind about this, but I just don't find any of these acceptable. Although this one's kind of cute:





Got Mike?

24 comments:

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Falling off my chair laughing. But in all seriousness, my deepest condolences. I hope he comes to his senses soon.

fran said...

Your Photoshop skills are at Ninja level now! Some of these scare me, but I kind of like Snidely Whipjohns.

evil-e said...

The Metalli- one is funny....

You forgot the Freddy Mercury-gay bar look.

Suze's Sass said...

Yeah, I like the "Got Mike" one too.

Beth said...

What is it with guys and 'staches these days. I just checked my calendar and confirmed I flipped 1978 a while back. One of my dear buddies -- a handsome, beautiful man -- is now sporting a handlebar 'stache -- waxing it to Dali brilliance. I was about to tell him to Nair it if he wanted to get laid again -- but first he went to Bonnaroo, where he met Iron and Wine's Sam Beam, who told him the moustache looked cool. Damn Sam.

Sorry your lovely beloved is also misguided face-follicly (how the h*** do you spell that?).

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I dunno, I think the 70's porn stache kinda suits him.

Red said...

I kinda don't hate Burt Johns or Long Dong Johns. Sorry, it's true.

katrocket said...

beckeye + moustache talk = my favourite treat!

GingerSnaps said...

Nooooooooooooo!!! Only a little stubble. That's all he's allowed.

/le sniff
:'(

CDP said...

Dreadful. And some of them make him look like Tom Cruise in Born on the 4th of July (in which he was not at his most attractive)

Lola said...

Hey, as a fellow MJ addict and new reader of this blog, I just wanted to stop by and say how much I love your writing! Hilarious. And rumor is that he already shaved. Also, have you seen this video of him singing "Total Eclipse" with a few f-bomb additions?
http://youtube.com/watch?v=RVvRLqfKo6E

Falwless said...

hahahahahahahaha

Dude, seriously, when did you get so good with the photoshopping? What the eff program are you using? You'd better reply to this comment and answer me, or I will hunt you down, I swear to god.

I don't actually hate the Miketallica..

I am so impressed with your skillz. Maaaan.

Gifted Typist said...

Perhaps we should give up and start liking the face furniture.

Plz,plz put use your mustache wizardry on Fergie

please?

BeckEye said...

Fal - What is this Photoshop you speak of? I just used this.

Dr Zibbs said...

He actually looks OK in the Hitler stach'. Aren't there any celebs with the courage to bring that thing back in style?

Falwless said...

You won't believe this because you're a damn skeptical ho, but I totally have the female version of Wooly Willy sitting right here at my desk in my cubicle in the land of work.

My word ver is ebsalqad, which sounds Arab. Are you trying to turn this place into a terrorist blog?

SkylersDad said...

It's official Beckeye, you need a Michael intervention!

pistols at dawn said...

That is some good stuff right there. If I had pictures of me, I'd send them to you and see if there was any way I could ever possibly be handsome.

thrivingat30 said...

This is so funny. I too, am in fake love with Michael Johns. If I had to pick, I'd take the Miketallica 'stache.

www.mamapj.com

J. Hi said...

OMG, you are hysterical! When you said mustache I pictured a 'My name is Earl' stache. But your versions are even better.

Chancelucky said...

Is Kristie Lee Cook growing a mustache too? I did once hear that Clay Aiken was growing a beard...but never saw him with facial hair.

Writeprocrastinator said...

What, you don't like moustaches? Because I'll get rid of the old catepillar...

ria said...

Honestly, I DO NOT get what you see in this guy, BeckEye. He looks like Tim Daly's doofy younger brother. And by "doofy" I mean "butt". (Tim Daly, on the other hand, rawr.)

To each his own, I suppose. At the very least, your PhotoShop skills are totally bad-ass.

Coaster Punchman said...

I'm not even going to read through these comments to see if anyone made the joke I'd like to make about the milk on face thing. Although if it were what I wish it were, I can at least say I've found a good use for him finally.

 

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