Regardless of What I Say Next, I Would Still Make Out With The Guy

The latest word from behind the scenes at the American Idol tour is that my beloved Michael Johns has grown a mustache, which begs the question - Dear Lord, what have I done to deserve this?

Michael says that he thinks the mustache will do for him what the ascot couldn't. What is he shooting for? Getting a job on the Love Boat? This better not be one of those Johnny Depp I'm-too-gorgeous-for-my-own-good uglification moves.

No pictures have surfaced as of yet, which I'm very thankful for, but the lack of pictorial evidence has also caused my brain to be consumed with thoughts of what horrific facial hair configurations he may be cooking up. Let's take a look at some of the possibilities...

Here is Michael in his natural, glorious, semi-stubbly state:















For a first foray into mustache territory, it's logical that Michael would choose either the classic stache or the porno stache. These two are very similar, but the porno stache is more disheveled. It is also usually accompanied by a bad, fake tan.

Burt Johns	Long Dong Johns

Other, more adventurous possibilities include:

Michael Johns Waters	Miketallica

Adolph Johns	Snidely Whipjohns

I've tried to keep an open mind about this, but I just don't find any of these acceptable. Although this one's kind of cute:





Got Mike?