Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Morgan Freeman Is Released From the Hospital - After being hospitalized from a fairly serious car crash on Sunday, Morgan was finally released, causing every normal person in the world to smile and breathe a sigh of relief. (Quick fact: people who don't like Morgan Freeman are...are....I can't think of a word for them. How about sphinctojacktards?) After being sprung this afternoon, Morgan stated that he felt "real good." When asked what meds he was taking, Mary-Kate Olsen appeared from out of nowhere, nervously mumbling, "What? How would I know? What do I look like, a doctor? My giant purse is totally not full of stolen prescription pads right now! I swear! Why are you hassling me? Can I have a sandwich? This is all off the record, right?"

Morgan Freeman is Getting Released From His Marriage - Apparently, he's been separated from his wife since December. He says that Demaris Meyer, the much younger passenger who was in his car when it crashed, is "just a friend." Hmm. This is all very fishy. Morgan, you better not be a lousy cheater with a weird car sex fetish. Please don't destroy my image of you. Please don't be a sphinctojacktard.

Morrissey Album is Delayed Until Early 2009 - Upon hearing this news, people with good taste in music celebrated or just scratched their heads and asked, "Morrissey is still putting out records?" Meanwhile, depressed fans continued cutting themselves and even lost the will to mousse up their hair.

Miley Cyrus Perpetuates Several Stereotypes at Once - 1. Ex-girlfriends are psychos. 2. Teenagers are annoying. 3. Celebrities don't know the first thing about "real problems." 4. Blondes are "pretty" and brunettes are "edgy."

Little Miley told Us that her breakup with that one Jonas brother (you know, the one who looks like the other ones) caused her to "bawl for a month straight." Straight. She didn't even take pee breaks, people. She didn't have to. After a few days of weeping, there was absolutely no fluid left in her body. She looked like Keith Richards. Then, the intense pain sent her spiraling into a depression that was fueled by an addiction to hair dye. Yes, yes, I'm being glib here, but what follows are her exact words. It might be the funniest thing I've read in months:

Nick wanted me to get highlights and so I did that, and I got myself looking great. And then, on the day we broke up, I was like, I want to make my hair black now; I don't want to look pretty. I want to look hard-core. I was rebelling against everything Nick wanted me to be. And then I was like, I've got to be by myself for now, and just figure out who I really am.

There is nothing more precious than a 15-year-old billionaire setting out to find herself. How long before she kills her alter-ego, Hannah Montana, and creates a slutty, dark-haired, multi-pierced emo character? Deanna Louisiana? Mona Arizona? Ida Ho?