Thursday, August 07, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following news items are curiously fascinating:

Morgan Freeman Is Released From the Hospital - After being hospitalized from a fairly serious car crash on Sunday, Morgan was finally released, causing every normal person in the world to smile and breathe a sigh of relief. (Quick fact: people who don't like Morgan Freeman are...are....I can't think of a word for them. How about sphinctojacktards?) After being sprung this afternoon, Morgan stated that he felt "real good." When asked what meds he was taking, Mary-Kate Olsen appeared from out of nowhere, nervously mumbling, "What? How would I know? What do I look like, a doctor? My giant purse is totally not full of stolen prescription pads right now! I swear! Why are you hassling me? Can I have a sandwich? This is all off the record, right?"

Morgan Freeman is Getting Released From His Marriage - Apparently, he's been separated from his wife since December. He says that Demaris Meyer, the much younger passenger who was in his car when it crashed, is "just a friend." Hmm. This is all very fishy. Morgan, you better not be a lousy cheater with a weird car sex fetish. Please don't destroy my image of you. Please don't be a sphinctojacktard.

Morrissey Album is Delayed Until Early 2009 - Upon hearing this news, people with good taste in music celebrated or just scratched their heads and asked, "Morrissey is still putting out records?" Meanwhile, depressed fans continued cutting themselves and even lost the will to mousse up their hair.

Miley Cyrus Perpetuates Several Stereotypes at Once - 1. Ex-girlfriends are psychos. 2. Teenagers are annoying. 3. Celebrities don't know the first thing about "real problems." 4. Blondes are "pretty" and brunettes are "edgy."

Little Miley told Us that her breakup with that one Jonas brother (you know, the one who looks like the other ones) caused her to "bawl for a month straight." Straight. She didn't even take pee breaks, people. She didn't have to. After a few days of weeping, there was absolutely no fluid left in her body. She looked like Keith Richards. Then, the intense pain sent her spiraling into a depression that was fueled by an addiction to hair dye. Yes, yes, I'm being glib here, but what follows are her exact words. It might be the funniest thing I've read in months:

Nick wanted me to get highlights and so I did that, and I got myself looking great. And then, on the day we broke up, I was like, I want to make my hair black now; I don't want to look pretty. I want to look hard-core. I was rebelling against everything Nick wanted me to be. And then I was like, I've got to be by myself for now, and just figure out who I really am.

There is nothing more precious than a 15-year-old billionaire setting out to find herself. How long before she kills her alter-ego, Hannah Montana, and creates a slutty, dark-haired, multi-pierced emo character? Deanna Louisiana? Mona Arizona? Ida Ho?


Anonymous said...

You lost me at the part where Jim Morrisey was putting out an album or whatever.

Is it under The Doors? Or is it a solo effort? I thought he was dead. I'm having a hard time keeping track of this shit.

I'm also having hard shits.

(Kidding on all counts. I know Jim Morrison has nothing to do with Morrisey and also my poops are fine.)

FranIAm said...

We've gotten along so nicely BeckEye and now this Morrisey business may come between us.

And for the record - no more mousse or cutting!

But Morrisey- always. How else can I mope???

Chancelucky said...

Based on his last several movies, I was convinced that Morgan Freeman was either God, Batman's moral center, or the wisest old guy in the world. I'm sure nothing bad was happening in that vehicle.

SkylersDad said...

I hate Miley more than Paris now that Paris has the half-way funny video out.

evil-e said...

wow, a new Morrissey album...I bet it will suck harder than anything he has released to date...I enjoyed the commentary on his sentiments exactly. (coincidentally, Browns' fans will be joining the cutting fun when they don't make the playoffs this year--woof woof)

maybe her bad relationship can become the next theme of a High School Musical spin off?
How 'bout "Incest Virginia?"

Beth said...

Who needs Lainey or Perez when we have Beckeye?

GingerSnaps said...

*SNORK* at poobomber

I know, I shouldn't encourage them...

*Renee* said...

Miley will be the next Britney, Lindsay or Paris. And when she gets rid of her clean cut image, she'll join rehab and possibly wind up in jail for 3.8 minutes.

Anonymous said...

Ida Ho. I love it. Cracks me up.


Dr Zibbs said...

I listen to Morrissey on my headphones when I go to the dentist and I get nitrous (for my cleaning). I'm serious. I'm a baby and I like nitrous.

Gifted Typist said...

Ida-ho! snort




OK, I'll stop now

CDP said...

There's too much awesomeness in this post, my comment could get lengthy. First, re Morgan Freeman, I so agree...the only redeeming feature of "Deep Impact" was Morgan Freeman, and I just kept thinking "Damn. Why can't he be President for REAL?"

And Ida-Ho? I'll be cracking up for days over that.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I think my daughter would cry for a month straight if a Jonas Brother broke up w. her. She's pretty fanatical about them --posters covering her room walls & all.

Tony Alva said...


See, we ARE meant for each other in a psycho Falwless/Jon way...

Our mutual hatred for Morrissey has brought us back together.

Knowing this, I might even be able to tolerate your affinity for crap 80's synth music.

Now go fix me a turkey pot pie...

Mathdude said...

How about Calli Fornicator?

Della Wearsathong?

Falwless said...

God you make me laugh, woman.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Miley Cyrus can go one of two ways: she can continue to embrace her dark hair, I mean, side, and do a duet with Morrissey on his new album, or she can star in a film featuring adorable wild life and narrated by Morgan Freeman. The choice is hers.

Red said...

Miley is so Rock-and-Roll!

Jon said...

Haha.. Mona Arizona is the funniest thing I've heard all week.
Nice work.

Bond said...

Funny stuff here beck

Have a great weekend

Grant Miller said...

I believe the breakup caused Miley to bawl for a month strait. I'm just guessing that's how she would have spelled it.

And lay off Morrissey!!

And I have a Morgan Freeman joke I've been sitting on for just such a calamity.

words words words said...

I don't understand the whole Jonas Brothers thing. How can a band be popular when all of the members look exactly like Adrian Zmed?

Also, I suggest "Gerta Alberta" or "Vagina Carolina"

bloody awful poetry said...

"her breakup with that one Jonas brother (you know, the one who looks like the other ones)"

Too funny, woman. I'm so glad I keep you around!

katrocket said...

Why do I even bother watching Entertainment Tonight? The Pop Eye is where it's at. And you can quote me on that if you send me money.

Miley Cyrus is, like, soooo running past her 15 minutes, dude.

Anonymous said...

Miley is what she is ... the offspring of the guy who had a mullet and made Achy Breaky heart famous.

Anyone remember Eminem? Didn't think so. Cyrus is on her way out as well.



Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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