Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Britney Mama So Crazy, Even Her Imaginary Friends Won't Make Eye Contact

Lynne Spears, the mom just slightly cooler than Amy Poehler's "cool mom" from Mean Girls, complained to Us Weekly that the public is full of hypocrites who mercilessly ripped on her daughter, Jamie Lynn, for winding up preggers, then turned around and patted Bristol Palin on the back for her mad babymaking skillz, while "celebrating" her mother, Sarah, for bringing Bristol up to think that condoms were high-rise apartments.

Is she serious? Bristol's pregnancy was just as "shocking" and hype-worthy as Jamie's, if not more so. I mean, we all expect celebutards to do stupid things. Most people would expect the daughter of a woman running for Vice President in one of the most crucial elections in history to be a little more careful. There was waaaay more drama and judgment surrounding Bristol's pregnancy than Jamie Lynn's.

I guess Lynne is just upset that most people probably think that Sarah Palin is a better mother than she is. For me, it's a toss-up. One's idea of preparing her daughter for teen life is "let's just not talk about sex and maybe it'll go away," while the other's is, "everything you ever need to know about sex, you can learn by playing doctor behind the shed." Neither approach really seems to work very well. Whatever happened to chaining your kids to the radiator? Doesn't anyone do that anymore??


Anyway, the interview went on with a possibly drunk Lynne rambling on about all the things she's "not allowed to say." Witness the following:

"We don't want this said, 'cause this would be glamorizing, but I will tell you a secret: her baby does sleep all night. What do you think about those apples? Maddie is the best baby I have ever seen. She is like a little angel. She's so contented. She laughs and she coos and ahead of herself [sic] with her stages . But of course we can't tell that because then we would just glamorize it more."

Ooh, how glamorous!

I understand that the rest of the interview went a little something like this...

Jamie Lynn's baby pictures, well I probably shouldn't say this, but they earn us a FORTUNE, y'all! She's just so cute 'n such a perfect, good baby who don't never cry, so anytime we see one of the paps we just roll down the car winder and stick her out so's they can take pics. Next thing you know, she's on the cover of Star and we get a big ol' check! She's like a magic baby who poops money or sumthin'! Oh! One time, we thought she really did poop money, but it was just 'cause Britney changed her diaper and used a $50 bill instead of a wipe for her bum, and she left it in the diaper. And all a sudden, we all seen Maddie walking around with money sticking up out her drawers! And we were like, "Woah, she pooped money," but then realized what happened and all. It was so funny.

Not to glamorize the baby pictures-for-profit biz, but those pics make us so much money that we don't hardly never eat at Mac-Donald's anymore, 'cept for in March when they got them shamrock shakes. Oh, theyz good. But, most times, we go out to famous 3 star places, like big restrints those guys from the Top Chef show cook at. Our favorite place though is Ruby Tuesdays where they just redid everything, and it looks sooooo fancy, kinda like the big Applebee's down by my old work. It's pretty awesome. And Maddie never cries during dinner so people don't give us mean looks or nothin'. People all see how wonderful Maddie is too, 'cause I hear a lot of 'em say stuff like, "Oh God, I would just love to take that baby away from those people," and jealous stuff like that there. That's just how good and cute and special she is! I mean, I know this all sounds real glamorous and all, so I really really shouldn't say this stuff, but it's true. We ain't glamorizing teen pregnissy; Jamie's just a glamorous teen who happened to get pregnit. No other teens could live a glamorous life like this 'cause they ain't rich and no one ain't gonna pay for pictures of THEIR babies. So they oughta keep it in their pants, is all I'm sayin'.


[sic]

15 comments:

Bubs said...

You know, maybe mom was the one who took those breastfeeding pics and is trying to hawk them to the highest bidder...

Dr Zibbs said...

Thoses Spears make me ill. Hillbillies I tell you.

Del-V said...

With the internets now-a-days you don’t need to teach you kids about sex.

Cap'n Ergo "Carthage" Jinglebollocks said...

Hee.

Poobomber said...

HAHAHA!

Spears for Prenstident 2012!!

aliencg said...

They done eats at the Waffle House twice a week now.

CDP said...

Hilarious.

Beth said...

Those rednecks chafe my ample a**. Lord, I hate that they're Southern.

Flannery Alden said...

[sic]∞

Brilliant editing note! I'm going to steal this...

Red said...

[sic] to the infinity power is totally awesome. Nice one.

Mathdude said...

Since ∞ to the ∞ power is a new level of ∞ in math (for real), you've demonstrated a surprisingly high level of math knowledge here at the Popeye. If you want to blog about math, feel free to ask me anything that you're not sure about.

Alice said...

my god. that woman. it's... god, it terrible. "MAH GRANBABY SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT, Y'ALL! YOU KNOW THAT MEANS I DONE GOOD!" are HER parents still around? are they embarassed to be related to her?

Falwless said...

I love you something fierce.

words words words said...

I know it's strange, but after reading this entire post I just wish that I pooped money. Next time I'm at the Mac-Donald's I'm just going to ask for extra quarters on my Quarter Pounder.

Red said...

Well, in Sarah's defense (I know, I can't believe I just typed that either), no one had any idea she was going to be nominated.

 

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