Monday, September 15, 2008

Britneytards, Unite!

I didn't really blog about last week's MTV Video Music Awards because I couldn't bring myself to watch any of it - aside from Britney's intro, and that was only out of morbid curiosity. However, after hearing that Brit went home with several awards that night, I feel compelled to say something.

First, I have to say that I knew she was going to get at least one award. Leading up to the show, all I kept hearing about was how Britney was the "Susan Lucci of the VMAs," comparing the many VMA nominations that she'd received without a win to Lucci's losing streak at the Emmys. At first, I thought it was a ridiculous comparison, but then I remembered the one time I watched a bit of All My Children and realized that Lucci was just a really bad actress who probably didn't deserve to win an award. Of course, she eventually got one, evidently just for being a dinosaur and because American audiences love their happy Lifetime-movie endings. So, I knew that the same was about to happen for Britney (MTV's dinosaur at the ripe old age of 26) when her VMA "comeback" was relentlessly promoted for weeks before the show.

Now, even though I knew her appearance was going to be a big deal, I was still floored by the way she was practically canonized for walking out on stage and rushing through four lines. Before she even opened her mouth, she was given a standing ovation just for being there. I can think of a few awards ceremony moments when a standing O was justified. A post-stroke Kirk Douglas accepting his lifetime achievement award at the 1996 Oscars. A paralyzed Christopher Reeve's appearance at that same ceremony. Michael J. Fox's win at the 2000 Emmys after leaving Spin City due to Parkinson's disease. I don't know, call me crazy, but I really don't think that the return of a talentless media whore to the same awards show on which she dropped a big turd the year before qualifies for the same kind of emotional oupouring, just because she managed to dress herself, stand up straight, and remain coherent. (I will absolutely concede that she did look really good. But that in itself is not really worth standing up for either.)

And did everyone forget the completely unfunny skit she did with Jonah "almost as overexposed as Britney" Hill before her appearance onstage? I can't imagine that made anyone want to stand up and cheer.

But anyway, getting back to her actual appearance, I am amazed by the low standards that the public has for judging its icons. Britney's "peformance" on last year's VMAs was such a huge, embarassing belly-flop of a failure, that one might imagine it would take something pretty spectacular to erase that memory. But no. All it took were a few scripted lines and a sparkly dress. All of a sudden, idiots are calling hers the "biggest comeback EVER." Yeah, you know, this was so much more moving than when Gloria Estefan returned to the stage after nearly having her spine cracked in half.

As for Brit's award wins that night, I have no doubt that it was MTV's master plan all along to give her the moon men, essentially designing this great "comeback." Look at the songs/videos that were up for the Best Female Video:

  • "Touch My Body," Mariah Carey - As much as I dislike Carey and this song, I've at least heard it and seen the video.
  • "I Kissed a Girl," Katy Perry - Very pretty girl, very cute video, and probably THE song of the summer.
  • "Take A Bow," Rihanna - The new "it girl" with the best break-up song of the year.
  • "No Air," Jordin Sparks (with Chris Brown) - This song practically replaced the air that we breathe this year. It was everywhere.
  • "Piece of Me," Britney Spears - Um, a lot of people saw the clip on YouTube, but other than the die-hard Britneytards, does anyone remember ever hearing the song or seeing the video?? Britney has never been known for her vocal prowess, but this song is worse than most. She sounds like a rusty old robot trying out the few mad rhymes learned during her marriage to rapper extraordinaire, K-Fed. And the video? It's only slightly more energetic than her 2007 VMA performance.
So, up against four much better singers and their much more popular songs, I'm supposed to believe that Britney's win was on the up and up? Nope, not buying it.

"Piece of Me" also won Best Pop Video over clips by Danity Kane and Panic at the Disco, among others, and Video of the Year, inexplicably beating out the uber-popular Jonas Brothers, and Chris Brown's fantastic bubblegum dance hit, "Forever."

I had never seen the video when I heard about the wins so, soon after the VMAs, I checked it out on YouTube. I left a couple of comments there which weren't even mean, but the grammatically-challenged fans still had to give me the "thumbs down" for daring to say anything other than Britney's ass is made of gold, and she shits diamonds and pisses rainbows.

I actually spent a lot of time reading many of the comments there, and I just have to share some of them here. They're really too funny-sad to ignore.

Brandonxx: I don't know why us Britney fans wasting our time on haters.

Only UGLY CHICKS hate on Britney, Britney was always above them, and any flaw that she has they try and take that into advantage to make themselves feel better.

Bitches always forget Britney set the standard for most females today. Especially those blondes, Britney made that entire "hot blonde girl" trend what is now. Before Britney's reign back than, blondes weren't shit.

These chicks just dont see, Britney did it before you.

This one was my favorite. I'm not sure why, because it really makes my head hurt. I mean, before "back then" (and I can only assume he means all the way back in the early '90s) blondes weren't shit?? Really? Gentlemen Prefer what now? Who has more fun?? As a brunette, I can testify that this is definitely NOT true. And Britney set the standard? You mean she didn't just rip off Madonna's act and make it less interesting and more slutty? What was the name of that one tour Madonna did? Something Ambition? I can't remember. And who was that chick Madonna ripped off? Norma Jean something-or-other? Hmm, her name escapes me now. I guess it's not important. That was all pre-Britney, when brunettes and redheads ruled the world.

nde411: britney spears is working o her new album with Danja,sean gurret,blooshy and avant.she is also working with akon,lady gaga,farrel,chris brown and kanye west.who are writing some songs for britney so i think britney spears new album is going to be great.she is writing songs everyday with her piano so i can't wait.

I don't know any of those people you just mentioned or understand half of what you said, but holy shit, her piano is alive?? Awesome!

shatterskull666: I am so not the Britney fan, but Iam starting 2 become 1. Iam a recovering drug addict and by her showing the world that she is gunna put out a catchy album, win awards, win more time with her kiddies and trying 2 be good the whole time. BRAVO Brtna. U are an inspiration 2 all that are suffering. And in this song she is basically talking shit on herself and having it make sense. Lovely.

I don't know what's funnier - that comment or the screenname.

SupaBabe001: (in response to someone who suggested another commenter use proper grammar) I agree.. And winterredhead, who cares about grammer? Honestly, unless is l337 5p34k or spam or really stupid spelling then its annoying.

Well, isn't that special? Who cares about grammar, indeed! Britney don't know no grammer and look how famous she be!

ejgirl456: i love her she has presseure beyond pressure and yall need to be possitieve i mean if u knew her whick u DONT u wouldd b supportive not mean and u know it!!!!!!!!!

I tell you what I do know - none of those words are English.

aesopsdaughter: Very Nice calling everyone on their bullshit Everybody wanted to f**k Britney and got just a little too excited about the difficulties she was having. I for one am sick of the assholes who celebrate the sexy bitch pushed down on her face and I so f**kin happy to see her stand up and "say are you kiddin me?" The lesson - always be nice to sexy women.

You see, people? There IS a lesson in all of this. Always be nice to sexy women. The unsexy ones, of course, you can throw in a ditch somewhere.

NikAir21: The definition of Rock & Roll today...she´s not the "new" Madonna...she´s better!

So...much...wrong....with this...comment. Must...resist...passing....out.

Okay, I can't continue on with this, as one of my brain cells just stomped out through my ear, walked across my face, stood on my nose and bitch-slapped me.

But what was my original reason for posting? Oh yeah, Britney totally didn't deserve those awards. Point made in just a shade under 1500 words!


FranIAm said...

Oh Beckeye, oh my... Where do I begin?

First of all, while I have committed myself to no more political blogging between now and 11/4, I must say that it is tempting to link to your post.

There is a direct link to this outstanding post and contemporary Palin-mania.

Most of your post actually did make me feel a sadness about where we are at as a culture and as a country.


Then I got to those You Tube comments and I had no choice but to throw my despair into Park and laugh my ass off.

Which, given the state of my posterior, is no small accomplishments.

No seriously. Seriously!

Oh you made me cry, you made me laugh, you made me cry.

I have no choice but to give you a standing ovation, which looks pretty silly - me being in my kitchen, all alone, hair kind of sticking up post sleep and just drinking my coffee.

Uh-oh... must run. You see my piano is alive too you know and it is calling me. I guess Britney and her piano are coming over this morning for a little song-writing fest.

Beckeye - you are amazing. Thank you. What a great first blog post to read on a Monday morning.

FranIAm said...

P.S. You know I almost called my blog Shatterskull666...

And BTW, I used to be able to see Brooklyn from my office. Does that mean I know you?

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I have no idea how you can read through all of those comments. Aren't you afraid you'll forget the English language or something?

deadspot said...

Russell Brand was funny though.

Flannery Alden said...

I'm impressed with your well-researched post. I would have given up much sooner.

It's nice that Brittney has such a nice support network at MTV. It's like having a Verizon Network's worth of yes-men in your back pocket.

Bond said...

You see you answered why she was treated as a returning hero by listing those comments...her fan base is populated by a bunch of kids who will all be working in McDonalds...but will not be able to work the cash registers, so they will be cleaning the grease traps on the fryers...

Incredible how far the youth of today has fallen...

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You are so getting the MTV VMA comeback award next year! And possibly the Nobel Peace Prize. Not only did you go above and beyond in your tireless research, but you made such a great comeback since you last posted. All the way back in yesterday!

ambika said...

I'm glad I was out of town and missed this but your breakdown of the whole shindig makes me just shake my head. I know people love an underdog but all of her trouble was self-inflicted. Of course, it is the VMAs, a silly, meaningless award from a joke of a cable channel but it really does make you wonder.

CDP said...


Bubs said...

I weep for the future.

Well, thank you for making me laugh along with weeping for the future. And, "back then" when Britney was making the blond girl thing hot? She was, what, 15? Yeeesh...

pistols at dawn said...

It's been said before, many times by me, but getting involved in arguments on the internet is like being in the Special Olympics: even if you win, you're still retarded.

But if a recovering drug addict finds hope in the story of Ms. Spears, then he's got bigger problems than meth. (I'm assuming. No self-respecting smack addict would fall for this crap.) I didn't believe that these people existed, and if I'm going to retain any sliver of hope for this world, I'm going to have to pretend they don't.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Shatterskull666? Brilliant. I want to meet this person.

Anonymous said...

At least she did one good thing. She's letting someone else raise her kids. Although he isn't much better, he's a better parent than she ever was.

Its all about Britney, thats how its always been, thats the way she wants it.

People should leave Britney alone, litterally, then maybe she'd go away.

Chancelucky said...

I hope this helps her get her children back.

evilesb138 said...

she sucks ass.....

just remember, the same tards who feel this is a great comeback are the same tards that are going to vote in a little over a month and a half....America meet Tidy Bowl Man, Tidy Bowl Man meet America!!


Robert Rouse said...

Youse Britney haterz are all alike. As the founding member of DWYBNYL, and a member in good standing with the DCYBWP, I can easily say that Britney is a Goddess worthy of ev'ry award out there. You haterz just wait until she wins that Nobel thingamajig or the "Pull-at-Chur" Prize. Britney is the bestest and brightenist blond ever.

Robert Rouse,
President and Founder of Drive With Your Baby N Your Lap

Paid member in good standing of Don't Cover Your Bush With Panties.

words words words said...

YouTube comments are the new Great American Novel. I love this post.

bloody awful poetry said...

The VMAs were on repeat many many times. I just could not be bothered to watch. But I totally agree with everything you say, O Mom That I Never Had.

Pepe Le Pew said...

As far as the VMA's are concerned, i wouldnt mind them if they actualy awarded the right people.

To begin with the song was written by Christian Karlsson, Pontus Winnberg, and Klas Åhlund all weird sounding people,none of them Britney Spears.

As for the video clip, unless Spears directed the clip, produced the clip, designed all the costumes and backdrops for the clip, and also filmed the clip simultaneously while starring in it, then maybe a few other people deserved the award over her.

Ok thats my bitch for the day.

dguzman said...

Brilliant brilliant brilliant. You are a shining star in the pop culture universe. (though not as bright at britney's star, of course!)

Falwless said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Red said...

This is hilarious. People are such effing morons.

P.S. Glad to see Mathdude got to you regarding word ver. He will, however, never get me to change my avatar.

genn6 said...

Brit must be sleeping with all of MTV...this girl hasn't lived long enough to come back from squat. Talk to me again in twenty years about that. Shit...

Anonymous said...

Blasphemy! No, not you baggin' on Britney, but the last comment you posted. How dare anybody call Britney Rock 'n' Roll. She's trash pop.

Ian said...

Beckeye, you are hilarious! Thank you!

steakbellie said...

i dont care i dont care i dont care how crazy she is.

I want to be the worlds next Federline and impregnate that Hill-billy before she blows the last million.

Dale said...

Gimme gimme more. Words. It's Beckeye bitch!

Cormac Brown said...

I fear for America...seriously. These people will reproduce and then where we will we be?

Anonymous said...

LMAO! You're too funny.

And you know you be secretly lovin britney. You know like in yo head. When no one's around. Like in secret and stuff!!!!!! You jus no it!!!!!

What retards. Is that not PC? Oh, I don't care.

Anonymous said...

You are a bitter, bitter bitch.


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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