Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

The Brunch Club? - Sex and the City author Candace Bushnell is going after the younger set with The Carrie Diaries, two novels that chronicle Carrie Bradshaw's high school years. Personally, I can't wait for the animated series, Strumpet Babies, to hit Nickelodeon.

Pill Poppin' Pete - Fall Out Boy bassist Mr. Ashlee Simpson (aka Pete Wentz) recently revealed that he's totally dependent on Xanax, which he has to take to deal with anxiety, ADD, depression, insomnia, and...well, probably the DTs. Wentz says that his tolerance level for the drug is "very, very high," which must be nearly as high as his tolerance level for shitty music.

The Jonas Brothers Encourage Misguided Obsession - In a recent MySpace Q&A, the Jonas Brothers dangled a giant carrot in front of their tween following by insisting that they would rather date fans than other celebs. They state, "We really like to believe that the girl we will spend our lives with will be our biggest fan." Now, many things are wrong with this. For one thing, the way that sentence is structured makes it sound like all three of them will be marrying the same girl. That's just downright creepy. But let's say that it's just a case of bad grammar, and the boys were really referring to the girlsssss of their dreams. Okay, so it's not creepy anymore. It's just a big, evil lie. First of all, not too long ago, Kevin Jonas (don't ask me which one he is) told UK paper The Sun that they were all "too busy" to date and would never consider going out with a fan. I guess they decided that stance wasn't good for sales, so they concocted this nonsense. What's next? Will they offer up their collective virginity to the girl who spends the most money on their merch this year?

Courtney Love is Still a Filthy, Crazy Whore - Okay, so where to start with this one? Umm, let's start with MySpace, where most madness begins. Love's MySpace blog reads like a Choose Your Own Cracked-Out Adventure story written by an array of angry 13 year-olds. In this recent post, she attacks the Jonas Brothers for being virgins, calls Dave Grohl "mediocre," suggests that she is responsible for the great soundtrack to Almost Famous, and insanely blathers on about how she owns nearly all the property in North America and has five gazillion credit cards that everyone, especially Ryan Adams, is using to fund projects without her permission. If you haven't heard about it, Courtney claimed in July that Adams charged $858,000 to one of her AMEX cards to record and produce his 2003 album, Rock N Roll. Nice of her to wait five whole years before bringing this up, eh? (And right on the heels of her claim over the summer that someone stole Kurt Cobain's ashes. Of course, she didn't snort them by accident.)Adams maintains that he's been falsely accused. My gut reaction is to side with Adams here, mostly because I like his music and find him strangely attractive, but let's face it, he's not exactly the model of sane, sober living either. Whether the money was stolen or not, I'd like to make Courtney a deal. I will give her $858,000 if she promises to cut her tongue out and never leave the house again.

Russell Needs Some Brand New Friends - After British comedian Russell Brand received many bad reviews of his hosting gig at the VMAs, Noel Gallagher and Courtney Love have both come to his defense. I didn't watch the show, so I don't know if the guy was funny or not. But, he might want to tell these morons that he can fight his own battles and to please not spill their stink all over his career. I mean, of all the people in the world who I would never want vouching for me, the top 5 are:
1. Satan
2. Courtney Love
3. Noel and/or Liam Gallagher
4. Resurrected Zombie Hitler
5. O.J. Simpson

18 comments:

evilesb138 said...

I have just been informed on celebrity news.

I still have not heard a Jonas Brother song, but if they have MySpace Q&As, they must rock.

Courtney Love calls Grohl mediocre....that's like Jessica Simpson calling somebody kinda smart. I actually like Grohl's work and I hear he is working on project Probot 2, which is most excellent news to me.

Dr Zibbs said...

David Grohl mediocre? Please.

Gifted Typist said...

Is Miley going to be the new mini Carrie?

pistols at dawn said...

Zombie Hitler is always calling me up and offering to be my wingman, but he's kind of a buzzkill.

Trying to make sense of Courtney Love is like trying to comprehend an MC Escher or Hieronymous Bosch work: I guess you could do it, but there's actual art you should be focusing on instead.

And lastly, why do you know so much about the Jo Broz? I'm disturbed.

The Guv'ner said...

Hahaha. Courtney Love. Always entertaining. I think she does a lot of good for today's youth mainly because she snorts all the drugs so they don't have to. Well done Courtney!

Your list of people who you never want to vouch for you made me howl. I could not concur more. When that dude jumped Noel G. in Toronto I laughed and laughed. I'm just amazed it's taken someone this long.

I hope when the brothers Jonas decide to give up their ripe little cherries it's to the wrong girl(s). The one who will take it to the tabloids with stories of awkward fumblings and him "finding" the "wrong hole".

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I think Kevin Jonas is the douchebag with the dark, curly hair.

Mathdude said...

So I couldn't crack your Top 5, huh? I'll work on it.

CDP said...

I hope that the "Carrie Diaries" thing is a hoax, but I'm afraid that it's not. "Resurrected Zombie Hitler"...ba ha ha!

SkylersDad said...

You could put Courtney and Zombie Hitler in a lineup and I couldn't tell them apart...

words words words said...

Courtney should shut the hell up. If Ryan Adams DID spend her $858,000 to record Rock And Roll, that means she was at least indirectly responsible for something awesome for the first time.

Mathdude said...

Wow, this posting reminds me of my latest posting except it's not as funny or interesting. Hey everybody, hurry on down to Eating Chicken Vindaloo - it's so easy, a caveman could do it!

Red said...

Russell Brand was really terrible. I think having a Gallagher and Courtney Love come to your defense pretty much proves it.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I guess Pete Wentz' doctor forgot to tell him that Xanax is not a sometimes drug you take for fun. If you are on it, you are on it. Unlike his crappy music.

Alice said...

oh courtney. i always want to believe that she's really sober THIS time, but she always.. well.. .isn't.

i hate the jonas brothers. SO MUCH.

Bond said...

I think OJ belongs #2 behind Satan...but that is just me

Bubs said...

Holy cow. I just thought of something--you know how, usually, people would pay good money for shots of female celebrities making out? If you came up with footage of, say, Courtney Love and Tara Reid getting it on, people would pay you NOT to see it.

Bluez said...

I like Fall out boy and Courtney Love's earlier stuff :-)

I dunno where those Jonas Brothers came from but I thought Russell Brand was funny as hell on the VMA's talking about promise rings.

Dale said...

Poor Russell was not funny although I've seen him on British telly and he's quite hilarious. What happened? Britney bitch.

 

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