Monday, October 13, 2008

Battle of the Netflix Stars #4

And you thought this feature was dead! Shows how much you know. It's alive. Alive!

Since it's October, I've decided to do a few of these that focus on thrillers and horror movies. I'll be watching a lot of 'em this month.

Bout #4: Battle of the Low-Budget Horror Flicks

Movie:Nail Gun Massacre

Campfire Stories

Director(s):Bill Leslie & Terry LoftonBob Cea, Andrzej Krakowski, and Jeff Mazzola
Star Power:NoneDavid Johansen, Jamie-Lynn Sigler
Plot:After a woman is gang-raped, a mysterious, helmet-wearing vigilante starts picking off the rapists one by one. One guess as to the weapon the killer uses!Two teenage dudes meet a young woman having car trouble. Their search for help leads them into the woods, where they meet crazy Forest Ranger Bill. The ranger persuades the kids to listen to his "scary stories" while they wait for a tow truck. The trilogy of tales features: young punks harrassing a mentally unstable groundskeeper, young punks harrassing (and killing) an old Indian man, and young punks harrassing their girlfriends.
Pros:The movie is SO bad that it's actually good. The one-liners that the killer fires off before each "nailing" are ridiculously laugh-out-loud funny.Charlie Day and Rob McElhenney are in it.
Cons:There is an interminably long and gratuitous sex scene that basically focuses on a very unattractive guy's hairy ass. While it eventually becomes funny, you will feel squirmy and nauseous for a while.Charlie Day and Rob McElhenney are in it. Poor guys. Comedic brilliance trapped in this horrible excuse for a movie.
My Thoughts:I was actually afraid to watch this at first, because I have a serious phobia about nail guns and staple guns. However, after seeing the movie, I am LESS afraid of nail guns. Seriously, the killer nailed one guy in the shoulder, the nail didn't even completely penetrate, and he DIED from the wound. And it's totally obvious that the nails are rubber. But all of this low budget nonsense adds up to a pretty damn funny movie that's worth at least one viewing. Watch it with a group to make your very own episode of Mystery Science Theater 2000.I can't imagine why Jamie-Lynn Sigler would have done this, when she was already on The Sopranos. Not that she has to do much acting anyway. David Johansen is truly awful, and none of the stories are scary in the least. Not only that, but they're so poorly structured. They ramble on aimlessly before finally getting to the "twists," which are neither ironic nor interesting, and altogether nonsensical. Same goes for the ending, which tries to wrap up the tale of the lost teens. And The Misfits show up from out of nowhere for no reason. While it was a lot of fun ripping this movie apart, it wasn't nearly as cool as Nail Gun Massacre and I definitely wouldn't recommend it.
Final Grade:B
(As in "Best of the Bad B-Movies.")

(As in "Damn, I can't give it an F because of Charlie Day.")


SkylersDad said...

Just the idea of a guy using a nail gun for his revenge is beyond weird.

Leonesse said...

As I tell my boys, if someone in the show has sex, they die. I also tell them that is what happens in real life, but I don't think they believe me. Damn that Mtv.

Kristi Mantoni said...

The Nail Gun movies sounds excellent! I love movies with funny one-liners. Did you ever see "Dead Men Walking" (not to be confused with "Dead Man Walking")? It's about prisoners that turn into zombies. It has an awesome one-liner in it. I watch the movie just for that line!

Alice said...

i really want to see the nailgun movie now. and i mean that non-sarcastically. :-)

Bluez said...

Best one liner from Terry O'Quinn in the movie "The Step-Father" after he kills the neighbor by stabbing her to death then rolls her up in the foyer rug and says "Next time, call before you come over"
Then the wife calls and asks where the neighbor is and he says "We were just wrapping things up".

Loved that movie

words words words said...

Two bad movies + five directors = crazy delicious!

Seriously, the nail gun movie in a runaway. It sounds like campy fun, and besides, horror anthologies never work.

Dr Zibbs said...

I'll tell you one horror film I'll be watching this month. Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2.

Malcolm said...

Hmm... Buster Poindexter and Meadow Soprano are the headliners? That star power is in need of a wattage boost. Still, with death not being an option, I would watch "Campfire Stories". Sorry, but I'll take a pass on the hairy ass.

Metal Mark said...

Never seen and probably won't bother seeking them out.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I'm upset that I never saw Nail Gun Massacre in college. I'm going to go mope around the break room for about...six hours now.

pistols at dawn said...

The Misfits? What the hell is Jerry Only doing with that band, besides driving it into the ground in a coffin-shaped tour bus?

bloody awful poetry said...

That Nailgun rapist movie thing sounds awesome! But I don't think I'll bother with it. But I do appreciate the fact that you watched it, Mom, so I didn't have to. =)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'd definitely watch Nail Gun Massacre on the strength of the title alone!


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