Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?

I know you've all been breathlessly awaiting my review of Chinese Democracy, as well you should. Well, unlike Axl, I won't make you wait it out. I'm all about giving the people what they want. So here we go.

I should preface by saying that I tried to listen to this record as objectively as I could, without thinking about how long it's been in the works and how it's essentially an Axl Rose solo album. And when the songs are good, it's no problem, but when they're bad, I can't help but think of the rock that could've been...if only Slash had wailed on that solo, or how much more relevant those lyrics or that riff would've been, like, 10 years ago. Anyone who says they can approach this record without some sort of expectations or preconceptions is just double talkin' jive.

Track 1 - "Chinese Democracy"
This starts out sounding a little like a horror movie soundtrack, with some weird echoing noises, people talking in hushed tones, and a "Dream Warriors" drum beat. Then, out of the silence, with the wind effects going, comes a fuzzy guitar riff and then...there it is...the Axl wail. Welcome to the jungle, baby! Well, almost. The lead-off track would certainly feel at home on the 2nd side of Use Your Illusion II, or even - yes, even - Appetite For Destruction. Quite simply, this song rocks. It's got raunchy riffs, a great hook, and that classic vocal layering that allows growling Axl to duet with shrieking Axl. The production is great, and it's evident that Mr. Rose spent a long time tweaking and twiddling to get the sound just right. It shouldn't have taken 14 years to get there, but I'm not going to waste that argument on this song. It's the best one. A


Track 2 - "Shackler's Revenge"
This tune starts out with a dark, demonic feel that grinds into Nine Inch Nails' industrial dance territory. The similarity to NIN is a little off-putting (Guns N' Roses ain't for dancing, man!) but the heavily layered chorus is pretty damn catchy. And, hey, NIN isn't pansy music, so I guess it's all good. The leather jackets out there can just bang their heads to this one while everyone else is wildly gyrating with their glow sticks in hand. Not bad. B-

Track 3 - "Better"
The computerized, Timberlakesque beginning might make you wonder if you're still listening to G N'R, but give it a second. This is one of the "better" and more modern-sounding tracks on the record. It mixes down 'n' dirty rock swagger with a radio-friendly melody, and features one of Axl's "better" vocal performances. However, there's a section starting around the 2:34 mark that seems cut and pasted from a Rage Against the Machine song, and the transition back to the basic melody feels a little awkward. B

Track 4 - "Street Of Dreams"
No, this isn't a cover of the classic (and awesome) Rainbow song. It's a good one though, and gives us our first glimpse into what kind of record Axl has really made here. Basically, he's attempting to pick up where the Use Your Illusion records left off, specifically with theatrical, piano-heavy tunes like "Estranged" and "November Rain." The latter, although one of G N'R's most popular songs, is one that I've never really loved, and hearing "Street of Dreams" makes it all the more insufferable for me. Basically, they're both about the struggles of relationships and how "nothing lasts forever." But, "Street of Dreams" manages to get its point across in a much less pretentious manner and, certainly, a lot quicker. (About 4 minutes quicker.) In fact, Axl packs more meaning into the one simple line, "What I thought was beautiful/Don't live inside of you anymore," than he gets across in 9 minutes of walking around in the rain. That said, the song is rather "rock musical," but I do like a touch of the dramatic, as long as it's done well. The only misstep here is the vocal at the very beginning, where Axl sounds like he's auditioning for both the Rocky and Eddie roles in The Rocky Horror Picture Show. B+

Track 5 - "If The World"
If the world what? If the world ever hears this song, they'll laugh their asses off? Well, maybe. This was so abysmal that I couldn't even laugh. After 4 solid songs, I was wondering when my luck would run out, and then this clunker landed in my ears with a tremendous thud. It seriously sounds like an Enrique Iglesias song. I couldn't even get through the whole thing. Egregious. F

Track 6 - "There Was A Time"
We transition from that hell to an angelic chorus that is soon joined by a drum loop and something that sounds like a kid's piano. There are a million things going on in this song - synths, choirs, strings, drum machines, and I think about 4 or 5 guitarists trade leads. Somehow it all works. Axl was obviously going for another "Estranged" here, and although he doesn't quite match it, he at least manages to keep things from going too far over the top. The chorus is a little weak, but the verses keep things rolling along. The arrangement's gradual build makes for a pretty blazing final minute or two, during which there is some cool Axl whining and a really good guitar solo that's probably either Buckethead or his successor, Bumblefoot. I will admit, though, that during all the other guitar parts I kept thinking, "What would Slash do?" C+

Track 7 - "Catcher In The Rye"
Apparently, this track originally featured a solo from Queen's Brian May that was subsequently removed. Maybe Axl should've kept it. It might have saved this track from being just a watered-down, stripped-down version of the previous song. It's just...eh. C-

Track 8 - "Scraped"
I have no idea what is up with the Bee Gees-meets-Rihanna intro. I don't really want to know. The beat during the chorus is kind of cool, but overall this sounds like anything that any number of metal bands could come up with. D

Track 9 - "Sorry"
Wow. What a piece of shit grunge/death ballad. It reminds me of Staind. I HATE Staind. Supposedly, Sebastian Bach was to sing backup on this, but I don't hear it. I guess that's good for him. F

Track 10 - "Riad N' The Bedouins"
Clearly, this album derailed around track 8. This song isn't as bad as the last two, but it sounds pretty dated. It's like G N'R-meets-Led Zeppelin-meets-Rage Against the Machine. But they forgot to bring all of their good songs to the meeting. D+

Track 11 - "I.R.S."
Ehhhhhhhhhhh. With the first few bars, I thought this was gonna be a good one, but it's just an average rock song. Not horrible, but nothing special. C

Track 12 - "Madagascar"
Yep, Axl's still looking for that next big epic. More strings. Some movie sound clips thrown in the middle...Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I have a dream" speech, some stuff I don't recognize, and the same line from Cool Hand Luke that G N'R used in the vastly superior "Civil War." This is starting to bum me out now. I might need to go back and listen to the first 4 songs again. C-

Track 13 - "This I Love"
Okay, okay. I can't resist! This I don't love! Ahhh, I'm so clever. What in the eff happened? Doesn't Axl remember how to write a great ballad? What about "Don't Cry?" (Oh yeah, Izzy helped with that one.) What about "Patience?" (Oh yeah, Izzy wrote the whole thing.) D-

Track 14 - "Prostitute"
Based on the name alone, I was completely prepared for this to be an awesome, nasty song in the vein of "Pretty Tied Up" or "Rocket Queen." Nope. It's not even about a lady of the evening. It's another of Axl's attempts to be the hard-ass version of Elton John. However, it is not a bad song at all. It's not as good as any of the first 4 songs, but it has that theatrical quality that I tend to go for, without going too far. I'm not sure if I would have liked it as much had it been the first or second song on the record. I love it as an album closer though, because it pulled me out of the funk caused by the last 20-30 minutes of horribleness. C

Well, there you have it, folks. It started out promising, but a pretty underwhelming 2nd half results in a C average for Chinese Democracy. I guess an average album score isn't too bad, unless the album in question took 14 years to see the light of day. Seriously. After this long, Chinese Democracy should have the power to end war and poverty and align the planets, bringing them into universal harmony, just like Wyld Stallyns' music did. It doesn't do that, but it does make me wish that someone would've gone back in time and told Guns N' Roses how crucial it was for them to stay together.