Spencer: "Where's Heidi? She's living on a farm, where she can chase squirrels and play outside all day. She's much happier now. Honest."Returning after the recommended two-month crotchal cooling period to take the crown is Deadspot! He's closing in on threepeater, Pistols at Dawn, as we approach the real Decision '08. Who will be Firecrotch of the Year?
As promised, not only does Deadspot get the coveted Firecrotch badge this month, but he's also been appointed president of my fan club! Of course, if he fails to live up to the expectations of the position, it will be up for grabs.
Now, let's get to this month's runners up...
"Sssssshhhhhhh! Be very, very quiet, I'm hunting democrats." - John Donald Carlucci
This might have won, as I'm a huge Looney Tunes fan, but I was disappointed that JDC didn't fully commit. It should have been "Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting Democwats." Plus, like most serial killers, he has three names, so even though he seems like a nice guy, I'm not sure I can trust him yet. Ted Bundy was a nice guy. Although, he only had two names. Okay, I really don't know what my point is. Look, JDC, you just didn't win this time around. Sowwy.
"Little Jimmy Johnson's letter to the Make-a-Wish foundation was granted, despite that fact that he doesn't have a terminal illness. 'We were willing to bend the rules this once,' said a spokesman, 'given that so many people want to see Spencer and Heidi in a murder/suicide pact.' – Imaginary Reviewer
Oh, come on. Be realistic. Like the Make-a-Wish foundation could ever convince someone to enter into a murder/suicide pact. Hmm...I suppose if they promised to televise it, these two would jump at the opportunity. I guess this makes sense after all! Oh well, sorry. I already named the winner.
"Natural selection, poor judgment, 6 beer, and a box full of shotgun shells has a way of taking care of society's genetic malfunctions." – Poobomber
After entering his usual 5,341 times, I had to throw Poo a bone. He could have won, but all of those things he mentioned have a way of taking care of society's genetic malfunctions. And 6 of those things are beers. In bottle form, the beer becomes separate entities. Sorry to be a grammar Nazi.
"Minutes after hearing the results of the Presidential election, Heidi and Spencer packed their most treasured belongings and left the country." – Cindie U
I don't usually have a fourth runner-up, but I thought I'd mention this one. It's simple and to-the-point, which I like. Not all jokes have to be complicated. However, Cindie made one giant mistake. She forgot that Heidi is holding a book. To even suggest that Heidi has ever read a book, let alone considered one a "treasured belonging" is sheer madness.
Sorry, everyone who didn't win. Maybe if you're really nice to Deadspot, he'll let you warm your hands near his firecrotch.