Monday, November 10, 2008

Caption Crotch-test Contest #16 (Election Edition)

Spencer: "Where's Heidi? She's living on a farm, where she can chase squirrels and play outside all day. She's much happier now. Honest."

Returning after the recommended two-month crotchal cooling period to take the crown is Deadspot! He's closing in on threepeater, Pistols at Dawn, as we approach the real Decision '08. Who will be Firecrotch of the Year?

As promised, not only does Deadspot get the coveted Firecrotch badge this month, but he's also been appointed president of my fan club! Of course, if he fails to live up to the expectations of the position, it will be up for grabs.

Now, let's get to this month's runners up...

"Sssssshhhhhhh! Be very, very quiet, I'm hunting democrats." - John Donald Carlucci
This might have won, as I'm a huge Looney Tunes fan, but I was disappointed that JDC didn't fully commit. It should have been "Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting Democwats." Plus, like most serial killers, he has three names, so even though he seems like a nice guy, I'm not sure I can trust him yet. Ted Bundy was a nice guy. Although, he only had two names. Okay, I really don't know what my point is. Look, JDC, you just didn't win this time around. Sowwy.

"Little Jimmy Johnson's letter to the Make-a-Wish foundation was granted, despite that fact that he doesn't have a terminal illness. 'We were willing to bend the rules this once,' said a spokesman, 'given that so many people want to see Spencer and Heidi in a murder/suicide pact.'Imaginary Reviewer
Oh, come on. Be realistic. Like the Make-a-Wish foundation could ever convince someone to enter into a murder/suicide pact. Hmm...I suppose if they promised to televise it, these two would jump at the opportunity. I guess this makes sense after all! Oh well, sorry. I already named the winner.

"Natural selection, poor judgment, 6 beer, and a box full of shotgun shells has a way of taking care of society's genetic malfunctions."Poobomber
After entering his usual 5,341 times, I had to throw Poo a bone. He could have won, but all of those things he mentioned have a way of taking care of society's genetic malfunctions. And 6 of those things are beers. In bottle form, the beer becomes separate entities. Sorry to be a grammar Nazi.

"Minutes after hearing the results of the Presidential election, Heidi and Spencer packed their most treasured belongings and left the country."Cindie U
I don't usually have a fourth runner-up, but I thought I'd mention this one. It's simple and to-the-point, which I like. Not all jokes have to be complicated. However, Cindie made one giant mistake. She forgot that Heidi is holding a book. To even suggest that Heidi has ever read a book, let alone considered one a "treasured belonging" is sheer madness.

Sorry, everyone who didn't win. Maybe if you're really nice to Deadspot, he'll let you warm your hands near his firecrotch.

41 comments:

John Donald Carlucci said...

"Sssssshhhhhhh! Be very, very quiet, I'm hunting democrats."

JDC

www.DarkeCuriosityEmporium.com
www.DemocracyHypocrisy.com

Suze said...

Oh snap, President of your fan club? I'm getting my team of writers working on it right now.

Cormac Brown said...

Heidi: Who is William Tell and are you really sure that my implants are bullet-proof?

Poobomber said...

Spencer, finally having come to his senses and having intentionally left out the word 'snuff' when describing the next video he's going to shoot of Heidi, tells her they're off to make some porn.

Poobomber said...

Sex toys for Hollywood's brightest.

Poobomber said...

"I should have put this bitch out of her misery sooner," Spencer thought to himself as he led the hapless Heidi off to her doom.

Poobomber said...

"I'm the NRA," Spencer thought.
"I'm the DOA," Heidi pondered, "whatever THAT means."

Poobomber said...

And so this was the last photo taken of Hollywood's most pointless and contrived couple, just hours before before sea monsters were proven to actually exist.

SkylersDad said...

While Spencer carried her two biggest turn-ons, Heidi kept stealing glances at her "Anal sex for Dummies" primer for advice.

Poobomber said...

"This is my rifle," Spencer sang to himself, "this is my gun. This one's for pleasure, and this one's for trying to get my ass single again."

Poobomber said...

Photo taken mere moments before the horrible skeet shooting accident that would leave Spencer dead and Heidi $142 and some pocket lint richer.

Poobomber said...

Natural selection, poor judgment, 6 beer, and a box full of shotgun shells has a way of taking care of society's genetic malfunctions.

Distributorcap said...

honey, did i ever tell you that Dick Cheney was my rifle instructor

Flannery Alden said...

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees...and people say we monkey around...but we're to busy singin' to put anybody down.

Tootsie said...

Latest news from Hollywood.

After a day of deer hunting Spencer returned home alone, staggering from beer and the weight of an eight-point buck. When asked about Heidi, he said "she had a nasty fall and broke both of her legs, she's a couple of miles back up the trail. It was a tough call, he said, but I figured no one is going to steal Heidi!""

Knot said...

"I wish his other 'gun' was that big."


Knot

Pepe Le Pew said...

1. Remembering that Palin could see Russia from her house, Heidi & Spencer decide to help the soldiers in Iraq from there driveway.

2. ... and here we see a hollywood couple hunting for African orphans to adopt, a common passtime for celebrities wanting to kill time before nightclubs open.

deadspot said...

"Where's Heidi? She's living on a farm, where she can play outside all day. She's much happier now. Honest."

Red said...

Little did Spencer suspect, Heidi planed to turn the gun on him and pack his lifeless body away in her ginormous handbag.

Kristi Mantoni said...

Oh snap, President of your fan club? I'm getting MY team of writers working on it right away.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

It was a great honour to be invited to the Palin annual "You Kill It, We'll Eat It" party

deadspot said...

I can't believe I forgot "chase squirrels".

-----

"Where's Heidi? She's living on a farm, where she can chase squirrels and play outside all day. She's much happier now. Honest."

dguzman said...

Oliver Stone's really taking this "cast younger people as old politicians" thing too far in his next film, tentatively titled, "Blow Me Away, Caribou Barbie."

Cindie U. said...

Minutes after hearing the results of the Presidential election, Heidi and Spencer packed their most treasured belongings and left the country.

Poobomber said...

I'm just wondering when you're going to announce that I won, Becks. Will it be much longer?

pistols at dawn said...

Unfortunately, Blondy McWellCoiffed took more shots than Poobomber in this contest and missed just as often.

Oh, snap!

pistols at dawn said...

Loaded weapons and beer go together like these idiots and being on TV: you know something dumb is going to happen, and you're just happy you won't have to clean it up.

words words words said...

Spencer and Heidi, along with a sixer of Bud, a shotgun, a big ugly purse, and a book, are the guests on the pilot episode of "Which Of These Items Does Not Belong To Us?"

Gifted Typist said...

McCain and Palin go moose hunting the day after the election.

Bond said...

Douchey and Thing arrive at the Young Republican Picnic prepared for a day of fun.

Douchey brought along his rifle for the "Shoot Like Dick Cheney" contest, while Ms. Thang brought along her copy of Sarah Palin's "My Life As A Candidate" instruction manual and coloring book.

Poobomber said...

Curse you, Pistols!

I've been ... snapped?

pistols at dawn said...

Poo, you have indeed been snapped, but since my comment was way worse, you still win.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Great mysteries of our time, number 24: Why is Heidi carrying a book when her purse is big enough to hold a small family of Romanians?

Slave to the dogs said...

Sorry luv, Heidi is carrying a book so I just can't take this picture seriously. Is it perhaps a scrapbook of her tabloid articles?

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

Little Jimmy Johnson's letter to the Make-a-Wish foundation was granted, despite that fact that he doesn't have a terminal illness. "We were willing to bend the rules this once," said a spokesman, "given that so many people want to see Spencer and Heidi in a murder/suicide pact."

Manx said...

Heidi: "Are you sure you brought the right stuff?"

Spencer: "Dude, I totally told you, my dad says Bud Light is the perfect bait for jackalopes. Bullets don't affect them so that's why I brought the pellet gun. Jeez, chicks don't know nuthin about hunting."

Poobomber said...

I tried so bloody hard I hurt my brain, too. Drat. Better luck next time Poobomber.

Cormac Brown said...

Congrats Spot, long may your crotch burn...wait a minute, that didn't sound quite right.

Falwless said...

Congratulations to the winner!

I'm laughing my ass off at the Poobomber "entering his usual 5,341 times.."

hahahahahahahhaa

deadspot said...

It was all about the squirrels.

pistols at dawn said...

I'd say that I was very close, but really, I was off my game. Mostly because it's hard making fun of people you've never heard of. And because I kicked heroin. Well, if I want to win Firecrotch of the Year, I'm sure as hell not going to do it sober. Now if only I had a vein left...

 

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