Farewell, 2008

In 8 hours, it will be 2009. Sounds very futuristic, no? But I still don't have a jetpack or telepod. *sigh*

Before we ring in the new year, let's say goodbye to the old one by taking a quick look back at 2008 - the way I saw it. I wish I could afford to have that fast-talking guy from the '80s FedEx commercials do this in podcast form, but I can't. As you know, 2008 was something of a bitch where money was concerned. So, just read this really quickly and it will be almost as good.

Lindsay Lohan was, like, a lesbian or something. Heath Ledger died. American Idol fans were mad about all the "ringers" in Season 7. Some really hot dude named Michael Johns was one of them. The Steelers didn't make it to the Super Bowl, but the Giants beat the Patriots, so it was all good. Paula Abdul answered absolutely no one's demands by releasing a new single. Jamless Joplin became my best nickname since Chrustin Richardslake. Good Lord, that Michael Johns guy was hot. The TV writers' strike ended. Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova had a very nice moment when they won Best Original Song at the Academy Awards, although it didn't quite make up for the academy completely snubbing Eddie Vedder's Into the Wild soundtrack. Myron Cope (the voice of the Steelers) died. Christian Siriano made Season 4 of Project Runway the fiercest ever. Michael Johns became almost intolerably hot. I discovered Photoshop right around the time my Michael Johns obsession became completely out of control. Charlton Heston died. The pregnant man freaked everyone out for a millisecond. Michael Johns was "voted off" AI. I went ballistic. Michael Johns ended up on every talk show under the sun. I was happy. Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears had a contest to see who was the most effed up. Tween sensation Miley Cyrus shed her clothes for a controversial Vanity Fair cover. John Travolta briefly sported a horrifying Fu Manchu-ish mustache. Paula Abdul critiqued Jason Castro on an episode of AI before he even sang, making her appear more effed up than either Britney or Amy. David Cook won American Idol. Gaggles of girls put on their designer best to sit in dark theaters for 2 hours watching the Sex and the City movie. John Mayer inexplicably continued to bag hot chicks. Nashville Star sucked, but it did introduce the world to Miley Cyrus' future jailbait loving boyfriend. Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby, kicking off a string of celeb births. Pam Anderson got back together with Tommy Lee for the umpteenth time. George Carlin died. Tim Russert died. Harvey Korman died. A shitload of other celebs died (all in threes, of course). Boy George had a love slave. Kanye West continued his general assholery. Madonna hooked up with A-Rod and got divorced. Britney lost custody of her kids. The Verne Troyer sex tape surfaced. The word "bromance" became nearly as overused and annoying as "my bad." Morgan Freeman wrecked his car and got divorced. Bernie Mac, Estelle Getty, and Isaac Hayes died. The Olympics were boring. Michael Phelps became even more overexposed than Beyoncé. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi got married. Teen shit took over the music and TV worlds. American Idol decided to bring in a 4th judge for its next season, to offset some of Paula's nutbaggery. I put out a hit on the girl in the Secret Flawless commercial. DJ AM and Travis Barker survived a plane crash in South Carolina. SPAGHETTI CAT. Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin became even more overexposed than Michael Phelps. Tina Fey did a better Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin. Obamamania swept the country. Britney Spears was practically canonized for her "comeback," which consisted of standing upright for a whole minute and uttering a few scripted lines. Kings of Leon kicked everyone's musical asses. Clay Aiken came out of the closet and shocked no one. Britney's new album sucked hard. Jennifer Hudson endured a family tragedy. Paul Newman died. David Duchovny faced his addiction to sex. Lindsay Lohan was happy that Barack Obama became our first colored president. Beyoncé took back her crown as most overexposed celeb. Puppies were everywhere. Hugh Jackman was the sexiest man alive. A bunch of celebutard couples broke up. Ashlee Simpson won the stupid baby naming contest by calling her son Bronx Mowgli. Guns N' Roses finally released Chinese Democracy. It wasn't really worth the wait. Some dude threw his shoes at George Bush.

...aaaand that's about it. Aside from Michael Johns and the Puppy Games, 2008 was a pretty underwhelming year for entertainment. Here's hoping for a lot more in 2009.