American Idol 8: All These Bland Auditions Needed Was a Little Salt

So, it's time for another crappy audition show and...what's this? OH SNAP! Do you hear what I hear? THAT'S "CRAZY HORSES" PLAYING DURING THE INTRO!!! YESSSS!!!!

I officially love this show again. That's all it took. See how easy I am? Now, if the Osmond spawn would only sing it for his audition like I've been hoping for...but I won't hold my breath.

The AI machine descends upon Salt Lake City, and we're introduced to all of its Shiny Happy People. Randy is a little concerned about the thin mountain air, and probably thinks it's the reason that all the womenfolk are hot for Simon. Meanwhile, Paula is just happy to be where the High School Musical movies were filmed. She may be looking for the next Zac Efron, but she might have to make do with the next Donny Osmond.

Ryan introduces the first auditioner, Osmond DNA Strand #3,658, or "David" for short. We learn that his dad, Alan, has MS (I'm sure my sister the Osmondophile already knew this), and David is also battling the disease himself, though he seems to be in remission now. He is a very nice looking guy, but in an overly virtuous way that almost creeps me out. He comes into the audition room, and Simon asks him if he's a relative of THE Osmonds, as if he doesn't know. David sings a song by Take Six, whoever they are, and sounds like just about any boy bander. Some of the judges are concerned that he's too used to singing in groups and needs to learn to fly solo. But if you think they're not letting him through, you are crazier than a pack of crazy horses. No one can say no to an Osmond. That's one reason why there are so many of them.

What else could follow that wholesome display but an Emo Hooker? The self-professed psychic sings something from Moulin Rouge, completely unaware that the judges were going to rip her apart. Not only did she not get a ticket to Hollywood, but her demonstrated lack of clairvoyance is sure to get her fired from the local pub where she probably gives $5 palm readings on Tuesday nights. Making matters worse, she shoots the cameraman the finger on her way out. Doesn't she know that's an offense punishable by death in Utah?

Emo Hooker starts a trend, as we're now treated to a montage of wackos, including a guy who might be part lion.

The zoo continues when Simon's #1 Fan brings a giant pink bunny man into the audition room as his "good luck charm." The judges don't find his rendition of Del Amitri's "Roll to Me" (accompanied by some bunny hopping) charming in the least, so this guy is out of luck. On their way out, the bunny man molests Simon, who seems to enjoy it. Hmm. I never would've pegged Cowell as a Furry.

Now, to prove how nice Utahians(?) are, we're treated to a montage of the judges rejecting a parade of auditioners who respond only with smiles and lots of gosh-laden niceties. Then Ryan gives the crowd in the waiting room a little pep talk, so I'm guessing that this is the part of the show where the auditions take a turn for the better.

Amy Milfhouse does a very nice version of "You Know I'm No Good" to everyone's delight. I like this girl, but I wonder if we really need another Amy Winehouse. Duffy's attempt didn't go over that well. Well, whatever, I probably shouldn't complain because it's been a while since the judges have put a really good singer through. Milfhouse, whose real name is Frankie, gets a golden ticket and Ryan beats me to the "Frankie Goes to Hollywood" joke.

Next up is Multi-Tat Single Mom, who sings "Can't Help Loving Dat Man" in a very smoky jazz club style. I like her. If she had broken into "I Love to Sing-a," I would have liked her even more. Paula is bordering on loving her. Simon picks her as one of his favorites and that out of everyone he's seen, he will definitely remember her.

The judges are in a good mood after Tat Mom's performance, and we get a montage of several giddy people with golden tickets, offset by one soulless white boy. In Utah? Whodathunkit?

Chad Michael Dylan Priestly sings "When I Look to the Sky" by Train while Kara looks at him like she's trying not to throw up. I notice that she wears this expression a lot. I'm guessing that she's probably just trying to choke back the urge to sing over everyone. Anyway, the judges all hate the Train song (as well they should), so Chad follows it up with a smash hit by...Raffi?? What's wrong with this kid? And what's up with this song? It sounds like it was written by Hillary Clinton. Somehow, the judges see past the horrible song selections and average boy bandish voice and send him off to Hollywood.

The next montage exists solely to prove that not everyone in Utah farts rainbows and pisses moonbeams. Suddenly, everyone I see is dejected, crying and...holy shit! Someone actually auditioned with a creepy Madam doll! Oh, thank God they didn't show that, because I would not have been able to sleep tonight. This crazy blur of wailing and gnashing teeth (and yodeling) is already making me want to hide under my covers.

Oh-oh. Now we're introduced to Too-Tall Taylor, yet another auditioner who can hula. Doesn't she know her Idol history? Being skilled in the hula is generally a kiss of death. Just ask Sanjaya and Ramiele. However, she can probably scare the judges into doing whatever she wants because she's freakishly large. Also, they've been pimping her during all of the pre-break promos, so I'm guessing she'll be fine, hula or no hula. Before she even sings, Randy compares her to another 16-year-old Amazon, Jordin Sparks. Like Jordin, Taylor has a pleasant enough voice, but she's more of the same old same old. Kara babbles about how she spied on Taylor in the bathroom. Okay. Paula thinks she has a good tone to her voice. Paula also thinks that if she uses the word "tone" enough, people will believe that she actually knows anything about music. Simon and Randy love Taylor, so we'll all see her again next week.

Tonight's show closes with this episode's Very Special Contestant (VSC) - Rose the Hippie. Rose's Dad died when she was 13, and her Mom died two years later, leaving her an orphan. She lives with her best friend, whose family treats her as their own. Rose's brother starts to say that sis didn't handle their parents' deaths so well, but he kind of trails off. He cryptically says "it was tough," so I'm guessing that drugs and partying were involved. Most of the VSCs this year have gotten on my nerves, but I actually don't hate this story. Rose seems genuine. I want her to do well, but her take on "I Feel the Earth Move" is not very good. I might even have to throw down the "pitchy" card on this one. Simon looks a bit dazed, and Paula tells Rose that she has a beautiful face and aura. And..."oh yeah, you need to work on your vocals." The judges all agree that Rose has a better personality than voice, but they all put her through anyway because they know it's nothing that Auto Tune can't fix.

And that's it. I wasn't expecting much from the Land of Archuleta, but Salt Lake's auditions turned out to be the best so far. However, my favorite moment came after the show, when Ryan asked Simon about the girl he said he would definitely remember and Simon goes, "Yeah. What was her name?" Said without a hint of irony. Glorious.

Tomorrow night, the auditions are finally over as we get a mixed up melting pot of auditioners from New York City and San Juan, Puerto Rico. As for next week, Ryan promises that ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE in Hollywood! If last year was the BEST SEASON EVER, I guess this year will be THE HELL-BREAKINGEST SEASON EVER!!