Wednesday, January 28, 2009

American Idol 8: All These Bland Auditions Needed Was a Little Salt

So, it's time for another crappy audition show and...what's this? OH SNAP! Do you hear what I hear? THAT'S "CRAZY HORSES" PLAYING DURING THE INTRO!!! YESSSS!!!!

I officially love this show again. That's all it took. See how easy I am? Now, if the Osmond spawn would only sing it for his audition like I've been hoping for...but I won't hold my breath.

The AI machine descends upon Salt Lake City, and we're introduced to all of its Shiny Happy People. Randy is a little concerned about the thin mountain air, and probably thinks it's the reason that all the womenfolk are hot for Simon. Meanwhile, Paula is just happy to be where the High School Musical movies were filmed. She may be looking for the next Zac Efron, but she might have to make do with the next Donny Osmond.

Ryan introduces the first auditioner, Osmond DNA Strand #3,658, or "David" for short. We learn that his dad, Alan, has MS (I'm sure my sister the Osmondophile already knew this), and David is also battling the disease himself, though he seems to be in remission now. He is a very nice looking guy, but in an overly virtuous way that almost creeps me out. He comes into the audition room, and Simon asks him if he's a relative of THE Osmonds, as if he doesn't know. David sings a song by Take Six, whoever they are, and sounds like just about any boy bander. Some of the judges are concerned that he's too used to singing in groups and needs to learn to fly solo. But if you think they're not letting him through, you are crazier than a pack of crazy horses. No one can say no to an Osmond. That's one reason why there are so many of them.

What else could follow that wholesome display but an Emo Hooker? The self-professed psychic sings something from Moulin Rouge, completely unaware that the judges were going to rip her apart. Not only did she not get a ticket to Hollywood, but her demonstrated lack of clairvoyance is sure to get her fired from the local pub where she probably gives $5 palm readings on Tuesday nights. Making matters worse, she shoots the cameraman the finger on her way out. Doesn't she know that's an offense punishable by death in Utah?

Emo Hooker starts a trend, as we're now treated to a montage of wackos, including a guy who might be part lion.

The zoo continues when Simon's #1 Fan brings a giant pink bunny man into the audition room as his "good luck charm." The judges don't find his rendition of Del Amitri's "Roll to Me" (accompanied by some bunny hopping) charming in the least, so this guy is out of luck. On their way out, the bunny man molests Simon, who seems to enjoy it. Hmm. I never would've pegged Cowell as a Furry.

Now, to prove how nice Utahians(?) are, we're treated to a montage of the judges rejecting a parade of auditioners who respond only with smiles and lots of gosh-laden niceties. Then Ryan gives the crowd in the waiting room a little pep talk, so I'm guessing that this is the part of the show where the auditions take a turn for the better.

Amy Milfhouse does a very nice version of "You Know I'm No Good" to everyone's delight. I like this girl, but I wonder if we really need another Amy Winehouse. Duffy's attempt didn't go over that well. Well, whatever, I probably shouldn't complain because it's been a while since the judges have put a really good singer through. Milfhouse, whose real name is Frankie, gets a golden ticket and Ryan beats me to the "Frankie Goes to Hollywood" joke.

Next up is Multi-Tat Single Mom, who sings "Can't Help Loving Dat Man" in a very smoky jazz club style. I like her. If she had broken into "I Love to Sing-a," I would have liked her even more. Paula is bordering on loving her. Simon picks her as one of his favorites and that out of everyone he's seen, he will definitely remember her.

The judges are in a good mood after Tat Mom's performance, and we get a montage of several giddy people with golden tickets, offset by one soulless white boy. In Utah? Whodathunkit?

Chad Michael Dylan Priestly sings "When I Look to the Sky" by Train while Kara looks at him like she's trying not to throw up. I notice that she wears this expression a lot. I'm guessing that she's probably just trying to choke back the urge to sing over everyone. Anyway, the judges all hate the Train song (as well they should), so Chad follows it up with a smash hit by...Raffi?? What's wrong with this kid? And what's up with this song? It sounds like it was written by Hillary Clinton. Somehow, the judges see past the horrible song selections and average boy bandish voice and send him off to Hollywood.

The next montage exists solely to prove that not everyone in Utah farts rainbows and pisses moonbeams. Suddenly, everyone I see is dejected, crying and...holy shit! Someone actually auditioned with a creepy Madam doll! Oh, thank God they didn't show that, because I would not have been able to sleep tonight. This crazy blur of wailing and gnashing teeth (and yodeling) is already making me want to hide under my covers.

Oh-oh. Now we're introduced to Too-Tall Taylor, yet another auditioner who can hula. Doesn't she know her Idol history? Being skilled in the hula is generally a kiss of death. Just ask Sanjaya and Ramiele. However, she can probably scare the judges into doing whatever she wants because she's freakishly large. Also, they've been pimping her during all of the pre-break promos, so I'm guessing she'll be fine, hula or no hula. Before she even sings, Randy compares her to another 16-year-old Amazon, Jordin Sparks. Like Jordin, Taylor has a pleasant enough voice, but she's more of the same old same old. Kara babbles about how she spied on Taylor in the bathroom. Okay. Paula thinks she has a good tone to her voice. Paula also thinks that if she uses the word "tone" enough, people will believe that she actually knows anything about music. Simon and Randy love Taylor, so we'll all see her again next week.

Tonight's show closes with this episode's Very Special Contestant (VSC) - Rose the Hippie. Rose's Dad died when she was 13, and her Mom died two years later, leaving her an orphan. She lives with her best friend, whose family treats her as their own. Rose's brother starts to say that sis didn't handle their parents' deaths so well, but he kind of trails off. He cryptically says "it was tough," so I'm guessing that drugs and partying were involved. Most of the VSCs this year have gotten on my nerves, but I actually don't hate this story. Rose seems genuine. I want her to do well, but her take on "I Feel the Earth Move" is not very good. I might even have to throw down the "pitchy" card on this one. Simon looks a bit dazed, and Paula tells Rose that she has a beautiful face and aura. And..."oh yeah, you need to work on your vocals." The judges all agree that Rose has a better personality than voice, but they all put her through anyway because they know it's nothing that Auto Tune can't fix.

And that's it. I wasn't expecting much from the Land of Archuleta, but Salt Lake's auditions turned out to be the best so far. However, my favorite moment came after the show, when Ryan asked Simon about the girl he said he would definitely remember and Simon goes, "Yeah. What was her name?" Said without a hint of irony. Glorious.

Tomorrow night, the auditions are finally over as we get a mixed up melting pot of auditioners from New York City and San Juan, Puerto Rico. As for next week, Ryan promises that ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE in Hollywood! If last year was the BEST SEASON EVER, I guess this year will be THE HELL-BREAKINGEST SEASON EVER!!


SkylersDad said...


"No one can say no to an Osmond. That's one reason why there are so many of them."

Might be my favorite out of all your great lines Becky!!

popsavant said...

I figured out the Kara angle last night. The early story was that the producers were grooming her as a replacement for Paula... not so. They brought her in to make everyone forget how loopy Paula is, focusing America's collective annoyance onto herself. Is there ANYTHING redeeming about this woman as a judge?

Kara particularly hated Tat-Mom. Did you see the head-to-toe once-over Kara gave her?

Anyway. The Austin kid is going to be a problem, since he's basically Archuleta 2.0. He wasn't that good, but there'll be no getting rid of him. Just think of it: A love of obscure (bad) songs coupled with the messianic complex where he's determined to inspire America's youth. How fun!

Fancy Schmancy said...

My money's on Rose to win it, then pull a Fantasia and not go anywhere and end up smoking the money away in a pipe and having to have Simon bail her out while her house is in foreclosure. Or something like that.

I agree w/popsavant about Kara. Paula has never looked so good.

dguzman said...

Brilliant recap, and I'm glad you caught that one with the Madam doll! It was so quick that no one else in the bar saw it, but I remembered it--in my nightmares!

And thank you thank you for the "I love to sing-a" link!

Anonymous said...

LMAO @ your picture at the top. I love David with the duck floatie. Nice.

Was it just me, or were Rose the Hippie's feet so black it looked as though she had just trenched through 30 miles of doo doo and cigarette ashes?

I think "Rose AKA Pigpen" is more like it. Except I liked her. So, Rose the Hippie is appropriate.

Andy said...

VSC- I like that description. They have such a leg up when it's voting time, it's almost unfair.

red said...

There's another audition episode tonight?!?! I can't take anymore. They're whole fake out/make out schtick is seriously pissing me off.

red said...

Oh! And the tatted up single mom does have a cool voice, but can you imagine her singing for country week? I think she and the Amy Winehouse wannabe will get old, like, immediately and you'll have Simon saying, "I want to hear something else" by week 2.

words words words said...

I love the tatted up single mom, and I love even more that I'm not the only one who knows "I Love To Sing-A".

I didn't get home from work in time to see the Osmond or the bunny guy. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

I want that class president Archuleta clone to go away FAST. And I'm dying to look at his CD collection.

Finally, I'm laying even money that Rose the Hippie leaves Hollywood Week pregnant. You can just see it coming.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

" get her fired from the local pub where she probably gives $5 palm readings on Tuesday nights."

And by "palm readings" you mean "hand jobs", right?

Mike said...

amy milfhouse. Liked that.

Crazy Horses. Damn You!!!! That godawful tune is now drilling my brain senseless!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Yawn! I'm sooo over it!

Can we puh-lease get to the cat-fights of Hollywood! Mee-youch-there's no better drama on TV!

Bond said...

it was actually not an annoying evening

Osmond goes down before they hit 24...

Anonymous said...

WWW - I agree about Rose getting pregnant. She's already got "barefoot" taken care of.

Falwless said...

Your commenters are almost as funny as you. I, too, loved the "No one can say no to an Osmond. That's one reason why there are so many of them." Hahaha!

I can't wait for next week. That's when it really gets good. YAY for Hollywood week!

Ian said...

I think people from Utah refer to themselves as "Utahns." I'm pretty sure Carmen Rasmusen used that term in the "Idol" column she wrote last season for her local paper. Why do I know that?

pistols at dawn said...

Multi-tat single mom is about as edgy as SLC can get. Plus, she's likely got a lot of scars - both emotional and physical - so she's my kind of gal.

Travis said...

I just thought I'd cruise on by and give you a hearty good luck for the Super Bowl. I'll be rooting for the black and gold.

Miles McClagan said...

I hated Rose, I hate anyone dancing like that in an upbeat way with no shoes...

Anyway, this is time filling, the blind guy is going to win - in the promos in Australia, he gets 3hree (3hree!) close ups...not a good sign...


Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

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I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

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