American Idol 8: The Spanish American War on Music

Tonight is a weird night. Evidently, about 22 people showed up to audition in San Juan, Puerto Rico, so AI has jammed the New York City and San Juan auditions into one episode. It's probably a good thing though, because these auditions feel like they've dragged on for about a decade. The sooner we get it over with, the sooner we can get to Hollywood and watch all the hopefuls implode.

The first stop in New York is Jamaica Queenz. She tells the judges that she is so confident in her singing ability that she just quit her job, and she's going to sing "And I Am Telling You." Can't you just taste the horror that is about to unfold? As expected, she is pretty awful and everyone tells her to go get her day job back. A kinder, gentler Season 8 Simon even calls up the girl's boss to make sure she's rehired. Awwww. That should soften the blow of her crushed dreams.

Wait...did Randy actually tell that girl that singing isn't her "skeeze?" So, singing isn't her whore? What?? Does Randy even know what that word means? Or is he trying to create some brand new, funky fresh definition for it? Ugh. That is so not fetch. Stop trying to make "skeeze" happen, Dawg! IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

Now it's off to Puerto Rico, where Jorgay is singing something that sounds familiar. Come again? Jorgay, you know I don't speak Spanish. In English, please! What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? I'm not even mad...that's amazing. Huh? La dee dum da..."myyyy wayyyy." Okay, I got that last part. Well done. I liked you better when I couldn't understand what you were saying though. Regardless, you're off to Hollywood, amigo.

Michigan J. Baier belts out Celine Dion's "I Surrender" and, although it's pretty loud and gets a little pitchy during those last, big notes, she's not nearly as bad as everyone makes her out to be. Simon rolls his head around like he's never heard anything so awful, and the other judges sort of dog pile on her. Honestly, she doesn't sound much different from a lot of the lame girls that they've already put through. Oh, but there's one difference. Those girls were skinny, and this one isn't. Just as Kara is about to do something useful and give this girl some advice, Simon impatiently barks at everyone to say either "yes" or "no," so it's a quick, unanimous "no." As Ms. Baier is taking the walk of shame back out to the holding room, Paula calls after her, "Take the constructive criticism!" Uh, it's kind of hard to take something that was never there in the first place.

Following that, we see a bunch of crybabies and angry rejects talking smack on the judges. One girl wails, "They don't like good singers in there," which I can't really argue with. Then...oh no. Someone's holding another creepy puppet! This one's even worse than the Madame clone from last night. It's like the evil spawn of a Kachina doll and a scarecrow. *shudder*

Back in NYC, Michelle N'gonnadancenaked is yammering something about wanting to uplift humanity and ride a unicorn naked through the Lincoln Tunnel...or something like that. I kind of tuned out. She sings another old stand-by for contestants who like to pretend they have soul, "Feeling Good." She's loud and gimmicky, so she's unanimously voted in to the next round.

Okay, for weeks now in AI promos, and tonight at every commercial break, I have seen this stupid clip of this stupid window screen behind the judge's table falling down. Is it really that exciting? This is the kind of crap you used to see every other minute on TV's Bloopers & Practical Jokes. If this thing doesn't actually decapitate someone, I'm going to be disappointed.

J Train Jackie, the token rocker chick, is up next. What kind of a rocker chick sings a Jason Mraz song while doing a really bad impression of his already really bad dancing? Lame. The judges ask her to sing something else, which she does a little better. She's got kind of a cool, husky voice but there's something very annoying about her. And I get the feeling that she will just try to do impressions of other singers every week. In other words, we could have another Kady Malloy on our hands. And no one wants that.

There goes the window screen. Everyone's heads remain intact. Oh well.

Now we swing back to Puerto Rico to gawk at a bunch of pleading saps from the reject pile. There are also a bunch of weirdos who came just to goof off, which makes Simon a bit testy. It kind of cracks me up when Hair Metal Air Guitar Guy comes in and Simon huffs and puffs about what a huge waste of time this is. Do the judges still think we don't know that they purposely let idiots through the first screening?

Really cracking me up is Crazy Rocker/GuyPod (his nicknames, not mine). All of these auditions were worth sitting through just to see a few minutes of this guy. He hurls himself into a storefront roll door. He dresses up like a rat and gives "rat hugs" to random people on the street. He serenades an ice cream vendor with an original song. It's untitled but it goes a little something like this..."You are selling ice cream/YOU ARE SELLING IIIIIICE CREEEEEEAM!!!!" Holy Cherry Garcia, I love this guy. Therefore, he probably has no chance of getting a golden ticket. He enters the audition room with a huge cardboard cut-out iPod and stands behind it to sing a few bars of Mr. Big's "To Be With You." (I love him even more now.) The judges ask to hear something else and he breaks into a very overwrought love song that prompts Simon to proclaim this performance as everything he hates. I guess he hates humor, fun, and pizazz, then? The vocals aren't the best I've ever heard, but seriously, he's no worse than Enrique Iglesias. Just when Simon thinks it's over, GuyPod whips out a little lion hand puppet, gets on his knees, and holds the puppet up like Simba as he belts out "Circle of Life." I seriously cannot stop laughing. All four judges vote "no," which really gets GuyPod pumped up. He runs out of the room shouting for joy, miraculously appears outside in a Superman knock-off costume and jumps in the pool.
I just found out that GuyPod is Joel Contreras, an actor/comedian/musician who is fairly well-known in Puerto Rico. I guess no one can say he's a plant though, since he didn't make it through.

Now we're back in NYC for the American comedy stylings of Norman Gentle (again, his nickname, not mine). He looks like a morph of Richard Simmons and Jeffrey Dahmer, if you can imagine such a thing. (I would hate to get a look at his Deal-a-Meal plan.) His is the 2nd version of "And I Am Telling You" we hear tonight, and it's pretty awful. Then, while trying to be the gay Jim Carrey, he banters with Simon, whom he accuses of having homosexual feelings for Ryan. Like his song choice, we've all heard that one before. The judges give him another chance, so he channels Kristy Lee Cook for "Amazing Grace." Simon stops him before he can turn it into the 12" dance mix. Somehow, the judges give Norman a golden ticket just for being "entertaining." What?? If they're going to waste tickets, they could've at least given one to GuyPod!! He was much funnier.

Speaking of Kristy Lee, we see a brief glimpse of Kendall Beard (KLC clone and another supposed "plant") along with a couple of other commercial-looking people getting smiles and tickets from the judges. This is immediately followed by bad auditions from a dude who looks like a post-op Wynonna Judd and...hey, it's a Pop-Eyed guy! Gotta like him.

Ugh, what is up with all the back and forth?? We return to San Juan for Lupe the Kewpie Doll, who brings her adorable little brother along on her audition, thinking that his cuteness will help her get a golden ticket. The ploy pays off, as she certainly doesn't get through on her vocal skills alone.

Back to New York again, and my, my, my. Look what the cat dragged in! It's crazy Alexis Cohen from last year's auditions. (I guess neither actressing nor vetenary school worked out for her.) She's swapped the Ziggy Stardust makeup for a more steno pool friendly look and claims to have a more positive outlook on life these days. Unfortunately, her voice has only gotten worse, and she gets rejected again. Forgetting her new 'tude, she flips everyone the double bird and calls Simon an asshole on the way out. But, in all fairness, she said it in a pleasant tone. She's got a nice tone. I like her tone. Tone.

To end the day, we go back to Puerto Rico to hear Patreetzzia. That's how Ryan pronounces her name, anyway. She sings "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" and it's just okay. And as is the case with about 85% of "just okay" singers, she gets a free pass to Hollywood.

Only 9 people from Puerto Rico make it to Hollywood week, while 26 from NYC get golden tickets. Of those 26, we only saw 3 (not counting the other 3 we got about 5 seconds of), and one of those was let through as a joke. It should be interesting when all of the semi-pros start popping up next week.

I'm just so glad the auditions are over. Bring on Hollywood. I'm so glad the group challenge has returned. I want to see some bitch-fights and backstabbing. Isn't that why God created reality TV?