San Francisco Auditions: Vote NO on American Idol 8!

AI's boring audition process continues tonight in San Francisco. FOX has mercifully cut the newest episodes down to an hour, but there will still be at least one Lifetime story.

As a show of support for San Fran's gay community, the high percentage of gay auditioners, and the budding romance between Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest, AI has refused to let any Mormons through during this round. Yeah, that'll show 'em! At least until the audition tour hits Salt Lake City next week.

For all the people who think gay marriage is unnatural, take a look at the straight couple who got engaged and married outside in the audition line. I can't think of anything more beautiful than a man and woman entering into the holy bonds of matrimony, purely for the love of getting 15 seconds of fame on FOX and maybe a few more on their local news station. *single tear*

Speaking of unnatural acts, Shakira Munster is the first auditioner up today, and she spares no detail when describing to Ryan how wonderful she is. She sings an Aretha Franklin song and, although not the train wreck that I expected, she's not the diva that she is trying to be. She launches into some other song, and Simon rightly tells her that she is just trying to copy other singers with much bigger voices. The girl starts to go a bit nutty, and Paula sees her as a kindred spirit. For some reason, the judges decide to put her through to Hollywood on the strength of her insanity. Then Shakira does her fake "crazy laugh" on cue about a hundred more times before we're finally saved by a commercial break.

After the break, there is a montage of bad singers wearing bad clothing, including Joseph and The Asinine Techni-Plaid Dreamcoat. He sings something by Simply Red, but clearly thinks this is an audition for Dreamgirls. And I am telling you, he is not going to Hollywood.

Hey Zeus is doing it all for his children. After doing a bland version of an Usher tune, he brings his two sons in to give the judges their best "I'm hungry" faces while he tries out Simon's favorite, "Unchained Melody." Simon says no, but the other three cave to the kiddies and give the astoundingly average singer a golden ticket. Simon then tries to prove to the children that he is a nice guy by hugging one of them with all the warmth of a cyborg.

Sir Rubik has arrived, fresh from 1985! He teaches Ryan how to solve his cube, and then sets music back by 50 years with a horribly whiny version of "Ooh Baby Baby."

While some random, buff dude terribly serenades Paula, Randy lets it slip that she "wants a baby." Oh oh. I hope Hey Zeus checked to make sure both sons were with him before leaving the building.

Now there is a montage of Kara and Simon bitching at each other. The editors are really trying to make Simon look like the annoying one, but it's not working. It also dawns on me at this time that Kara reminds me a lot of Lacey Chabert - which further explains my immediate dislike of her. Sure, Lacey was fine in Mean Girls, but as a faithful watcher of Party of Five, I can't tell you how many times I wished that simp would've tripped over her violin, sending her hurtling out the third-story window. Hey, why not. It would've just given The Salingers one more thing to cry about.

Next up is Akeelah Asscucumber who teaches us many new words like:

* traysheea - aka the windpipe
* learnix - the upper part of the traysheea, where the vocal cords are located
* accapellaly - singing with no music
* eractitate - ummm...excite? agitate? I give up.

She brings her "Singing for Dummies" printouts along for some last-minute studying, then storms the audition room with an original song about making sweet, sweet love to some unlucky guy. When Simon tells her that the song sucks, she tries "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman" and hits some sour notes. She begs them to let her start over because she wasn't singing from "the right rectum," nor was she singing from her "liginagicle cartilages." Hmm. She may not be singing from her ass, but she's certainly talking from it. And talking from it. And talking from it. She's got diarrhea of the mouth, and the judges don't seem to care. Well, except Kara, who's in a big hurry to get Akeelah out of there.

With the crazy chick gone, we are treated to a montage of okay singers who win trips to Hollywood, including Dane Cook's ex, Raquel Houghton, whom VFTW has identified as one of this year's plants.

Cheryl Tiegs, Jr. shouts her way through "Summertime," to the astonishment of the judges. Simon says she seems drunk, and not just "one or two bottles" drunk. Like Paula Abdul on a Wednesday night drunk.

I appreciate the producers trying to finally throw some man candy our way, but Bangs McGee is way too metrosexual (and that may be undershooting the mark) for my taste. Kara takes a page from Sarah Palin's play book and gives him a little wink. Bangs ignores it and then sings a nice, but not very rockin' version of "Bohemian Rhapsody," which confuses everyone a little. They all think he has a good voice but that it's a bit too "theatrical." Kara then tries to pick a fight with Simon in a desperate bid for more screen time. Finally, the judges all decide to put Bangs through, and he celebrates by giving Paula a hug and a hand-kiss. Kara turns into that annoying friend who always tries to steal your dates and is all, "Uh, can I get some? I want a kiss too!" Being a gentleman, Bangs obliges, but is so not into her.

We close out the show with - what else - this episode's Very Special Contestant, The Good Son. (No, it's not Macaulay Culkin trying to make a comeback...but don't worry. That will probably be on VH-1 this summer.) The VSC has supposedly given up all of his hopes and dreams to take care of his sick mother, yet he is somehow now able to try out for American Idol. What happened? Did one of his no-good siblings finally decide to take a turn helping out mom? Or is this all being slightly exaggerated? I wonder. The Good Son has a pleasant voice and seems like a nice guy, but he's gonna have to really step up his game if he wants to beat out The Blind Guy and The Grief-Stricken Widow for a spot in the Top 24.

Wednesday night, the gang rolls in to Louisville, Kentucky, home of the Kentucky Derby and birthplace of Ned Beatty. I tried many horse-related puns and some singers-as-squealing-pigs jokes, but they all fell flat. So, I'll just end this by saying that nothing interesting ever happens in Louisville, and I don't expect tomorrow to be any different.