Ryan kicks off results night by talking about "the power of the vote," then turns slowly to look at Normund Gentle and menacingly asks the TV viewing audience, "What have you done??"
Nice try, Ryan. We all know that even if everyone on Earth voted for Normund last night, the judges ain't having it. Power of the vote, my ass.
Ryan flirts a bit with Simon, and then it's time for the dreaded group sing. If I can say anything positive about it, it would be that Group 2 seems to understand harmony a lot better than Group 1. But why are they being forced to sing Ne-Yo's "Closer?" This is even funnier than Normund's routine last night, mostly because it's not intended to be funny.
Part 1 of the needlessly long results show begins with Ryan bringing Allison down to the stage. He asks her to step aside, and then brings down Jesse. He asks her to step aside, and brings down Matt Breitzke. My God, they're really running out of elimination configurations. Pretty soon, Ryan will just ask all the contestants to form a human pyramid and he'll pull three people out, leaving the others to collapse into a big pile of broken bones.
Randy and I accurately predict that Allison is the first one to be sent over to the uncomfortable stools. All Allison wants to do is sit down, but Ryan forces her to sing "Alone" again, naturally. (I love it when a musical pun comes together.) Allison sounds pretty much the same as she did last night, but her hair is especially helmety tonight.
For the next cuts, Megan and Kris are brought down to center stage together. Uh-huh. I knew it! These are the two that I had a hard time choosing between. If I'm given a 50/50 shot at something, I make the wrong choice 90% of the time. Therefore, I'm thinking that it will probably be Kris, and not Megan as I predicted.
But then Ryan throws a monkey wrench into the proceedings by also bringing down Matt Giraud and Jeanine. Everyone knows that we've seen the last of Jeanine's short shorts, but Giraud is kind of popular with the ladies and, despite his dismal performance last night, the judges like him. Just as I start to wonder if I might have been all wrong, Seacrest tells Jeanine and Giraud to take a hike, leaving it between Megan and Kris once again.
Ryan asks Kara who she thinks it will be and she takes a page from Paula's book by blathering on aimlessly and never making a decision. When Simon starts rolling his eyes and moaning that she's just rambling, Kara's claws come out. She snaps, "I'm giving them advice, which is partially what I'm here to do," all while shooting daggers at Paula. Drunky just sits there counting the ceiling tiles, trying to pretend like she never said that hiring a fourth judge was a mistake.
As I predicted just a second ago, my original prediction was wrong. Kris Allen moves into the Top 12. That's fine. He's about the closest we have to a cute guy this year. Unfortunately, we have to hear "Man in the Mirror" one more time. He should really throw some "sha-mons" in there for the hell of it. He's already made it through. Why not have a little fun? You know that Normund would've done it.
Ryan is being much too efficient, so the show needs to be padded a bit. Cue the Idol retrospective set to "What a Wonderful World" that aired at the beginning of this season. AI has gotten tons of positive emails about this? Really?? It never ceases to amaze me how easily entertained some people are.
Tonight's musical guest is Season 7 contestant Brooke White, who advises all the contestants to never Google their own names. Ah, Brooke. Still sporting that very thin skin, I see. She performs her new single, "Hold Up My Heart," and manages to not screw up the beginning. She tries really hard to be a poor man's Carole King and nearly succeeds. It's a decent song, but I'm thinking that the next time I hear it, I'll probably be in a dentist's chair.
The results continue as Ryan calls the remaining contestants - Mishavonna, Kai, Normund (who came as Nick tonight), Adam, and Jasmine. It's obvious that VFTW pick, Normund, will face off against pimp-spot Adam, just like Tatiana Del Toro and Danny Gokey were the last two standing last week. Sure enough, Seacrest strolls right by Normund and Adam, and lets Mishavonna, Kai, and Jasmine know that they're all out. Normund and Adam are left to wait through yet another break.
I'd just to take a second to address the bigwigs at FOX. Dear d-bags: It's physically and emotionally impossible for me to care less about who is sabotaging the chefs on Hell's Kitchen. Unless you boil Gordon Ramsey alive in oil, I will never, ever, never, ever, never, ever watch this show. Never. Give it up.
Okay, I'm back. And so is AI. Adam and Normund, Normund and Adam. Who will it be? No surprises here - Adam gets the nod. Once again, I'm 2 for 3 in my picks.
Adam graciously gives Normund kudos for being "hilarious" before launching into his divatastic version of "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" one more time. I seriously doubt we'll see Normund in the Wild Card round, but I'm holding out hope that Tatiana will make her triumphant return!
Group 3 is up next week and...oh...my....God. In the Group 3 preview, they made the blind guy dance. With his cane. Seriously. I can't even wait for the mess that will be next week's group sing.
Group 3 is:
- Arianna Afsar
- Felicia Barton
- Kendall Beard
- Ju'Not Joyner
- Scott MacIntyre
- Nathaniel Marshall
- Kristen McNamara
- Jorge Nunez
- Lil Rounds
- Von Smith
- Taylor Vaifanua
- Alex Wagner-Trugman
Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.