Remember all the big changes that we were promised at the beginning of this new AI season? Unfortunately, eliminating the cheesy group sings is not one of them. Tonight's results show kicks off with a very Mickey Mouse Clubbish performance of Jason Mraz's "I'm Yours." Great googly moogly, I had forgotten how much I hate these very Brady numbers.
Seacrest recaps last night's tuneless torture, and generously labels the evening "raw." Then he chit-chats with the contestants before dimming the lights and cueing up the ultra-dramatic chopping block music.
Casey Carlson. You're hot. (My words, certainly not Seacrest's.) But you're out.
Stephen Fowler is up next. Kara tells him to stay behind the piano and to never come out again. Maybe he'll take her advice, but we'll never know. He's not one of the chosen 3.
Alexis Grace is the first to make it into the Top 12. She sings again as I head for the bathroom. Can't we just blow through these results and get to the Michael Johns part, please??
I guess not. Seacrest continues with the "Randy said this," "Simon said that" routine with Ricky Braddy and Jackie Tohn. I recently found out that Jackie guested on an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and I vividly remember her part. This still does not make me like her, so I am happy when she doesn't make it through. Ricky, arguably the best singer from last night, also doesn't make it. No surprises so far.
Anoop Dogg in the hizzouse! He heads to center stage along with Michael Sarver. We discover that the voting audience really does listen to Simon, as they have put Michael in the Top 12, even though Anoop was one of the big fan faves. Well, it wouldn't be American Idol without a boring, nondescript blonde dude so, better Michael than Brent Keith. I know Brent didn't get his results yet, but I'm pretty confident that he'll be sent home. That's the good news.
The bad news is that, obviously, Tatiana Del Toro didn't make it. Everyone knows that Danny Gokey is going to be the third person going through. I really hope Tat gets called back for the wild card round. She really breathed life into this season.
Ryan continues with the results and calls down - oh! It's (Carly Smithson and) Michael Johns!!
Okay, who the eff is cutting Michael's hair these days? I'm not happy with it. He needs to lose the picnic tablecloth shirt too. But these are minor complaints. I would be happy to straighten him out. And by "straighten him out" I mean...oh hell, you know what I mean. Anyone who read this blog for one second last season knows what I mean.
I don't understand why Idol keeps jamming Michael and Carly (or, ugh, "Marly," as some people have taken to calling them) down everyone's throats as if they're a package deal. Michael is the one with an album coming out soon - can't they let him fly solo? Oh, and they're singing "The Letter," the same damn song that they did on last year's finale. This is rather disappointing. I mean, they sound good and all, but this was obviously a hastily arranged deal to make up for Michael and Carly's mentoring sessions in Hollywood ending up on the cutting room floor.
Maybe I'm just pissed that Michael never answered any of MY letters. I really thought that Valentine's Day card that I decorated with my own blood would've won him over. Ah well, I guess he's busy. I will just have to be patient, and trust in Jobu that he will be mine one day.
Okay, on with the results. Ann Marie Boskovich, Brent Keith, and Stevie Wright are all asked to stand and are quickly eliminated.
It comes down to Danny and Tatiana. People in the audience are whooping it up for Danny, and are snickering at Tatiana. What a bunch of jagoffs. Tatiana knows what's up and she looks like she's about to pass out. Seacrest asks Paula for her opinion on who should stay, and she actually makes a decision!! (Danny, of course.)
Before delivering the results, Ryan tries to ridicule Tatiana one last time by asking her what her psychic said would happen. She looks like she wants to punch him. I kind of wish she would, but she's having a hard enough time staying on her feet and continuing to breathe. The inevitable result is revealed, and I swear that Danny let out his victory "whooooooo" about a split second before Ryan even said his name. I'm starting to get a smug vibe from this dude.
Danny sings one more time and sounds much pitchier than last night. During his song, one of his friends backstage holds up a picture of Danny and his deceased wife. Okay, ENOUGH with the deathsploitation. I don't care if it was the friend's idea, Danny's idea, or the producers' idea. This manipulative, Lifetime movie bullshit is really pissing me off now.
I'm also irritated that I'm starting off the season with a 66% prediction accuracy rating. Especially since I picked Michael Sarver to go through in my early, pre-performance prediction, and then changed my mind. Oh well. I guess I shouldn't be mad, 'cause 2 out of 3 ain't bad.
Next Wednesday, it's Group 2's turn. If they can't do a better job than Group 1, they should all be sent home. (Remember that the performance show is a day later because of Obama's State of the Union address on Tuesday.)
Group 2 is:
- Kris Allen
- Matt Breitzke
- Megan Corkrey
- Matt Giraud
- Mishovanna Henson
- Allison Iraheta
- Kai Kalama
- Adam Lambert
- Jesse Langseth
- Nick Mitchell/Norman Gentle
- Jasmine Murray
- Jeanine Vailles
I'm not a huge fan of Nick/Norman because I don't think he's funny, but I would still kind of like to see him win the whole shebang just to embarrass the hell out of the show.