Wednesday, March 11, 2009

American Idol 8 Results: 3/11/09


Eh, not really. Ryan just gives the judges an invisible life saver, which they can toss out to one of their fave pimpees if any of those pimpees are ever in danger of being cast off the AI island into the sea of obscurity. This God-like power can only be used once, and only prior to reaching the Top 5.

Big deal. You want real excitement? The Blind Guy is dancing during the Michael Jackson group medley! He's a dancing, dancing, dancing....dancing machiiiine!

Seriously, I can't believe they made Scott dance. I can't believe he didn't tell them to eff off. I can't believe they got the kiddie porn star, Alexis, to lead him around the stage like a slutty guide dog. And I can't believe that, on a show where the judges are constantly stressing the importance of being current, they are still dusting off these horrific '70s variety show song and dance numbers.

The only thing I hate more than the group sings are the Ford commercials, and here comes the first one of the year. Even though it's Jacko Week, the commercial is set to "We Will Rock You," because AI just hasn't finished raping the Queen catalog yet.

I don't want to hear one more person sing Queen this season, unless it's Madame Glambert doing "I Want to Break Free." In drag. With a vacuum cleaner.

Enough dreaming. On with the results...

Sarver and Allison are both safe. Jasmine is on the chopping block. Giraud has no idea what's going on, but he's safe. Kris and Megan find themselves pitted against each other for the 2nd time this season and, once again, Kris comes out the victor. Ryan makes Megan walk all the way down to the stage to stand next to Jasmine for about 5 seconds before telling her to go back where she was. Jasmine is out. Or is she? The judges could save her, you know! They could. But why would they??

Jasmine doesn't provide a good answer for that when she sings again. She's much worse than last night. Ryan asks the judges if they're going to save Jasmine and Randy says, "Sorry, baby, it's not gonna work." Seacrest comforts Jasmine and cues up her "AI voyage" video, which features Carrie Underwood trying to channel Vince Neil on a very lame cover of THE '80s power ballad, "Home Sweet Home."

I have to stop for a minute to talk about that mess. (If my BFF is reading this, she is probably having a conniption right now. She loves the Crüe and their pudgy toad of a frontman.) First of all, can I just go back to my earlier comment about the judges always harping on everyone to be "current?" So, why are they always backing these lame-ass covers? Secondly, why do they always get Carrie to do them? Is it because she's one of the most successful Idols? Or is Carrie the only former Idol who will agree to sing anything that they put in front of her? Wouldn't David Cook have been a better, and more "current" choice to cover this song? If they wanted to put a country spin on it, they didn't. Carrie is totally trying to rock it out and it just sounds stupid. Don't get me wrong, I think Carrie has a great voice, but, I don't know. Yo, I guess this just wasn't the right song for her, dawgs. It makes me confused about who she is as an artist, sweeties.

Good Lord. I'm talking like the judges and gaining new appreciation for Mötley Crüe. What have I become??

Well, at least I'm not starting to gain any appreciation for Kanye West. The CAPS LOCK LOVIN' crybaby is onstage now singing, "Heartless." Like so many other established acts who have showed up on AI, I really wish that we had the power to vote him out of the music business.

Back to the results. Scott is safe! (Can I still use the bad joke that even he saw that coming? Can I use it every week?) Alexis is safe. (It's important for girls in her line of work to be safe, so...good to know.) Danny is safe. Scott saw that one coming too!

Unsurprisingly, Anoop finds himself on the chopping block. The Glambert stands and is pummeled with the screams of tweens who still think he might be a little bi and that they have any shot of getting him to teach them to French. Adam is, of course, safe. It comes down to Lil and Jorgay, and even a blind guy could see that...okay, okay. I'll stop. But only because a lightning bolt just came dangerously close to my head. And it's not even raining. And I'm inside.

Jorgay joins Anoop at center stage, and they're left hanging when Ryan brings out Kelly Clarkson.


Yes, I will geek out for Kelly. I adore her. The outfit she's wearing is absolutely atrocious, even by '80s standards, but she sounds good and I can't get enough of "My Life Would Suck Without You." Entertainment Weekly called it "the greatest song in the history of the world." I wouldn't go quite that far, but it's damn catchy. And it doesn't even need any Auto-Tuning like it would had it been recorded by the intended artist, Katy Perry.

Kelly is gone, and it's time to announce who will be joining Jasmine in the car to the airport. Will America tell Anoop to beat it, or ask Jorgay to say goodbye?

Turns out likability goes a long way! Who knew? Anoop makes it through, and the judges have no interest in saving Jorgay.

As is the pattern this year, my predictions were half right. Instead of picking Anoop as a definite cast-off and playing eenie-meenie-miney-mo with Jorgay and Jasmine, I should've just taken Anoop out of the equation altogether. Why didn't I know that he had a large enough fan base to save him?

Although Anoop's "Beat It" would've fulfilled the "ironic song choice" requirement for eliminated contestants, Jasmine and Jorgay did just as well with "I'll Be There" (uhhh, no you won't) and "Never Can Say Goodbye" (uhhh, you'd better learn), respectively.

Next week is Country Week, but not just any ol' country songs will do. Contestants are only allowed to pick songs from artists who are members of the Grand Ole Opry. VFTW recently posted the list of songs that contestants were given to choose from (no idea if the puppets are allowed to go off the board or if they have to stick to the already-approved list), and there could be some interesting choices next week. Ten bucks says that Alexis will dirty it up with Carrie Underwood's ode to casual sex, "Last Name." I'll bet another $10 that she'll be wearing an American flag bikini and cowboy boots. Hokey Gokey better stay away from any death songs (that means no Garth Brooks). Scott and Megan should sing anything that doesn't require them to dance. Lil Rounds will totally get my vote if she sings "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk." UNLESS Adam outdoes her with some crazy country camp, like "Fancy" or "Stand By Your Man." If he doesn't want to camp it up, then he should probably go for "Walking After Midnight" or "Crazy." I think he could knock either one out of the park - er, rodeo ring.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.


words words words said...

We should have known that any rule change would help the judges keep the plantation in business. (See what I did there?) Lame.

I have no quarrel with who was sent home. And I share your Kelly love. She's my favorite ex-Idol by far. And I think she's challenging Oprah for "Yo-Yo Dieting Champion Of The Universe".

God bless Motley Crue.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

HOW can someone like Jorge-who can sing-get voted off when Meghan is still there and sucks donkey balls vocally...

I guess this really isn't a "singing competition" but a homecoming queen contest.

Clarkson rocked and I'm lovin the Madame Glambert!! hee hee best moniker ever!

CDP said...

I love the "Madame Glambert", too. I think that the rules change combined with Kara will finally kill AI.

Angell said...

I'm so glad I missed the results show. I love reading your reviews. I am sitting here, trying to hold in my laughter while tears coarse down my cheeks.

My boss is looking at me like I've totally lost it. But all I can say is long live Glambert.

Oh and Carrie covered HSH? Damn it. Cookie would have made the most sense - as you said. I swear those producers have their collective heads up Simon's ass...or Nigels. Take your pick.

red said...

Thank God. I love that the judges (and producers) kept shoving Jasmine down our throats and America said, "Uh, we said no thank you!!!"

I don't mind the new rule. I'm glad it's only good until the top 5, though. Very Survivor of them.

I'm so happy my boyfriend Anoop gets another chance. My life would suck without him.

And speaking of Kelly, I heart her so very much, but seriously. She needs to fire her stylist.

pistols at dawn said...

I wish there were more trapdoors and "Late Night at the Apollo's" the Sandman would brush people off stage. Hell, I just wish they filmed this thing at the Apollo, because that would be good television.

Mathdude said...

OK, ok, Round 1 goes to you for picking 3 out of the bottom 4, and 1 outta 2 on the cuts. Well done. I'll getcha next week.

Your Word Ver still sucks donkey dicks.

Mathdude said...

And my life without Kelly Clarkson would be exactly the same as it is now.

Mike said...

adam + patsy cline = Must see camptastic.

Dont like the guy at all, this group of vanilla cookies, he is a friggin Pop Tart with sprinkles!

Bond said...

Are you being mean to Alexis just because I like her? huh? huh??

Kanye was HORRID...thankfully I was in TiVo land and zoomed him outta there

Now, this new rule..they made a huge point about it...and the example of Daughtry being saved...EXCEPT, he went off in 4th place did he not? And the judges can only save someone up until the last 5 making a huge deal over C.D. being saved is a load of CRAP!

FunnyGal KAT said...

Hilarious! And can I be the first to call the new rule "The Daughtry Rule"? It's so obvious that's what they're trying to prevent (wasn't he even booted when there were only six contestants left?)

I can't believe I know this stuff. I don't even watch the show, but must be picking this up through osmosis when my husband watches it. I need a new hobby.

dguzman said...

I might actually watch the show if I thought Glambert was gonna do drag OR Patsy Cline.

I'm just now getting that Scott is blind! So THAT'S why his facial expression looks so freaky all the time!

LiLu said...

I don't know who any of these people are, but I actually watched two minutes on Tuesday night and that blond girl who thought she was "edgy" because she had a half-sleeve and yelled Rockin Robin into my face needs to go home. She "CAWED" at the end. Who the fuck does that??

Cora said...

Yeah, I thought the same thing! Holy sh*t, the blind man is DANCING up there?! Good for him! I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was dancing better than I can too. Wow. But the rest of the show last night? Eh.

Flannery Alden said...

Yo, so listen up, dawg! You're new profile is da bomb, dude!

terry said...

The new rule had nothing to do with Daughtry..It was all about Michael Johns..They just threw Daughtry in for kicks and Tamyra Grey. Michael got Robbed last Year and we all know IT!!So It's The "Michael The Reason Johns Rule!!"

Alice said...

i actually watched the singing show this week (well.. sort of. it was on while i had friends over) but did not watch the results show... this is why i have you :-)

cube said...

I know I vowed not to watch tonight, but I did because there was nothing else on. I swear there wasn't, so sue me.

BTW I have talked up your recaps so much that now my eldest daughter is reading them. She's actually coming over to your blog and reading them. Is that a trip or what?

Travis said...

Kanye came on...we both said "pull your pants up"...and I hit the mute button. That's a pretty good indicator that I've crossed into the realm of out of touch guy.


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