American Idol 8 Results: 3/26/09

It's a Thursday night results show, which apparently means twice the drama! (Seriously, what's with all the harsh lighting and mega close-ups of everyone?)

Ryan tells us that more people than actually exist in the world voted last night. A few hundred times each. They just keep shattering voting records. It's quite amazing.

Ryan also tells us, for the umpteenth time, that there is a "judges' save" this season. He always leaves out the most important part though - that it's only there for Danny, Adam, or Lil.

Time for the group sing.

WHAT. IN. THE. BALLS?

Oh, for the love of Tatiana. I never thought the group sings could get more ridiculous, but now they're not even doing it live. It is a pre-taped segment featuring a lip-synched performance of a pre-recorded medley. Holy cheese. The pièce de résistance is Giraud's very un-synched lip-synched run during "You're All I Need to Get By."

This show is becoming a parody of itself more and more with each passing week. It was bad enough that the group sings were being lip synched, but now they're not even live? Sure, they're corny to begin with, but if the producers insist on keeping them, they damn well better be "real."Did AI just jump the shark? Did it already do that a few seasons ago? I'm not sure. I guess when Ted McGinley is brought in to co-host with Seacrest, we'll really know that the end is nigh.

The Ford commercials have always been fake and awful. Nothing different there.

Ruben Studdard will be our gigantic cruise director this evening. Sorry, the suit threw me. He's actually just here to perform his new single (yes, he's still releasing those things), "Together." It sounds like pretty much everything else he's ever sung, and he is already sweating profusely about 1/4 of the way through the first verse. When he's done, all Ryan can think to ask him is, "How's married life?" I guess he didn't bother to ask a real question like, "When's the new album coming out?" because no one cares.

Also, Seacrest is in a hurry to get to the results. You know him, he doesn't like to drag stuff out.

Adam is called first and is safe. He has to always know he's safe, but, unlike Danny, he never looks smug about it.

Giraud heads for the Bottom 3. Dammit! Now my predictions are already off. I almost picked him instead of Lil because he was in the lead-off spot of doom, but I went against my first instinct. Well, he can't possibly be the one eliminated tonight. Kara won't have it.

Kris, like most of his performances, is safe.

Lil and Michael stand for the verdict, and Ryan tells Lil to have a seat and sends Sarver to the Bottom 3 where he belongs.

That's it for the top couch. Back to the results after more special guests.

Joss Stone and Smokey Robinson take the stage to sing "You're the One for Me." It's a stupid, dull song, but both of them sound really good. I have to hand it to Smokey. A lot of "legends" come on this show and really shit the bed (Motowner Diana Ross being the first one who comes to mind) but Smokey's got it going on! His voice is still smooth as silk. He's totally perving on Joss, though.

Now back to the bottom couch. Allison, Anoop, and Danny are all safe, leaving just Scott and Megan. Ryan could just eenie-meenie-miney-mo this one and he'd be right either way. Turns out that Megan's bird calls for help last night did work, as Scott lands in the Bottom 3. Megan offers to direct Scotty Mac over to the stools, but Ryan goes and collects him.

Seacrest asks Randy who doesn't deserve to be there, and he says Giraud.

You know, I've noticed Matt Giraud's sourpuss before, but looking at him now, standing there with his hands in his pockets and grimacing like he's sniffing out farts while Sarver has his arms around both Matt and Scott, he's really pissing me off. I don't think I like this guy. Something about him just screams "dickhead." I don't know, maybe it's just me.

Seacrest lets Scott off the hook and escorts him back to the comfy couches. Giraud and Sarver have to endure the uncomfortable spaceship stools for a little while longer though.

Hey, here's something I haven't seen on Idol in a long while - a blind guy who can actually sing! Yes, Stevie Wonder is performing a medley of some of his biggest hits, "My Cherie Amour," "Superstition," and "Overjoyed," of which the latter two have been done to death by Idol wannabes past and present, and a new song, "All About the Love Again." Stevie should be glad he can't see what is going on in the studio during his performance. It looks like a damn frat party. Allison and Megan are dancing like the super-drunk freshman chicks, Danny and Anoop are stomping around like the guys who will try to slip them roofies later, Adam is trying to seem macho, but can't help himself from doing some very flamboyant hip swivels, and Kara is the really annoying sorority sister who sings along to every song but clearly knows NONE of the words.

When that's all over, it's finally time to reveal who's going home. Okay, so even though I only guessed 1 out of the Bottom 3 correctly, I picked the one who matters. Sarver has the lowest number of votes. He's made to perform again and sounds exactly the same as he did last night. The judges do the fake huddle anyway...well, at least Randy and Simon do. Paula and Kara continue to dance like their jobs are done. Because, really, they are. Everyone knows there is nothing here to discuss.

Still, when Sarver is done, Seacrest asks the judges if they're going to save him, and they all play coy and say they haven't decided yet. They all jibber jabber for a little bit, and then Simon makes the executive (pre-determined) decision to not save Sarver.

Well, at least now his daughter doesn't have to ask him why he doesn't want to be with her anymore. *single tear*

All kidding aside, I like Michael and wish him good luck. He seems like a stand-up guy, and someone I wouldn't mind having a beer with. I just don't want to hear him sing anymore.


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