The ShamWow Can't Wipe Away Your Sins

On Friday, The Smoking Gun reported that everyone's favorite pitch-man, THE Vince (last name Shlomi...yeah, he looks like a Shlomi), was arrested in Miami Beach in February for assaulting a prostitute.

Vince claims that he paid the ho $1000 for some of the nasty, and they went back to his hotel room. Then, when he kissed her, she bit his tongue and wouldn't let go. Well, you know Vince. He ain't afraid to slap chop a bitch. So, he punched her until she relinquished the hold on his tongue. The report states that he was bleeding as he ran to the hotel lobby to call the cops, indicating that he did not have a ShamWow on his person.

I'm thinking that one of two things happened here. Either this particular ho abides by the "no kissing on the mouth" rule instated by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and she got pissed when Vince tried to break it, or she flipped out when he promised to pay for her services in 50 installments of $19.99.

Comments

J. Hi said…
Now we can use the phrase "He totally ShamWowed her." or "You back sassing me? Prepare to be Shamwowed!"
3/30/2009 11:13 AM
Soda and Candy said…
Hahahahahahahaaha

This story is , rightfully, all oer the internets, but you're the first to say "He ain't afraid to slap chop a bitch."

And that's why I love you.

Also, snaps to J.Hi for verbizing ShamWow in such a delightful and useful way!
3/30/2009 11:50 AM
Barbara Bruederlin said…
Does this make Billy Mays the king of the infomercial by default? I suspect it does.
3/30/2009 11:53 AM
katrocket said…
Hahaha! I was gonna post something on this today, but I'm glad you beat me to it, because this is funny stuff.

I'm just one of those imitators you've been warned about.
3/30/2009 11:54 AM
Red said…
Oh Vince. It's like I don't even know you!
3/30/2009 11:58 AM
McGone said…
Does this make Billy Mays the king of the infomercial by default? I suspect it does.

Nonsense. Billy Mays makes Billy Mays the king of the infomercial. Vince Shlomo isn't even worthy of wiping up Billy Mays' Mighty Putty with his ShamWow.
3/30/2009 12:06 PM
Dr Zibbs said…
Oh my God! Excellent story.
3/30/2009 12:10 PM
Some Guy said…
I gotta agree with McGone. Billy Mays is all-pahrful*.



*-That's how Billy pronounces "powerful".
3/30/2009 12:29 PM
BeckEye said…
Some Guy, that's because he's from Pittsburgh. Which makes him even more pahr-ful 'n 'at.
3/30/2009 12:31 PM
Cormac Brown said…
Let me see, her propensity to bite like Mike Tyson, combined with her ability to take a punch?

Dear Tanya Harding,

We have finally found an opponent that is willing to step into the boxing ring with you.
3/30/2009 12:34 PM
Joe said…
That was superb.

When I first heard this story teh first thing I thought of was the "don't kiss on the mouth" rule.

Obviously she didn't love his nuts.
3/30/2009 1:08 PM
words...words...words... said…
I know he likes what the Germans do, but this is just going too far.
3/30/2009 1:24 PM
Wings1295 said…
Great post. What an idjit!!!
3/30/2009 1:37 PM
Anonymous said…
I wonder if he was still wearing his headset when he kissed her and she got entangled somehow? What the hell is up with that headset? Does he receive messages from space?

No prostitute would service Billy Mays as he's not exactly discreet. He'd be hollering the whole time. "YES JUST LIKE THAT YOU DIRTY WHORE!" loud enough for the entire city to hear.
3/30/2009 1:38 PM
SkylersDad said…
A wonderful post and all the comments made me pee a little. Thanks to all!
3/30/2009 2:48 PM
Soda and Candy said…
Veg Assassin's comment just made me have a laughter-based seizure.
3/30/2009 2:49 PM
Alice said…
HA, i thought maybe he was wearing his stupid headset too. i wonder if he yelled "shamWOW!" right as he slapped her? that would have made it classier, i think. always think of the sale, vince. always!
3/30/2009 3:24 PM
Unknown said…
All I can say is ShlomiWow!
3/30/2009 3:28 PM
Fancy Schmancy said…
I think Billy Mays sent her to take out the competitions ability to even speak!
3/30/2009 3:44 PM
Angell said…
I have absolutely nothing clever to say on this. I'm too busy laughing so hard I need my sham-wow to mop up my tears.
3/30/2009 4:10 PM
dguzman said…
Couldn't have happened to a more deserving guy.

And yes, BILLY MAYS RULES THE INFOMERCIAL AIRWAVES! YEAH!
3/30/2009 4:32 PM
Cora said…
Shame Wow.
3/30/2009 4:39 PM
Anonymous said…
Hee..hee - installment payments. That is why I always turn to you for my latest breaking news.
3/30/2009 9:26 PM
Anonymous said…
I'd write a longer comment, but I'm busy laughing my ass off.
3/30/2009 9:52 PM
Johnny Yen said…
I don't know what's more wrong-- her biting him on the tongue or him hitting her.

And someone needs to let Vince know that the whole point of being a celebrity is getting laid without having to pay for it.
3/30/2009 11:01 PM
cube said…
Your post is a hoot and so are these comments.
3/30/2009 11:02 PM
Feisty Democrat said…
I'll bet he told the cops,"I gotta post bail in the next 20 minutes, 'cause you know I can't do this all day."

BTW Billy Mays blows! Vince is still the king!
3/31/2009 2:52 PM
Jon said…
Wow, McNulty's really let himself go since The Wire ended...
3/31/2009 4:46 PM
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