American Idol 8: Ain't This a Kick in the Head

It's Rat Pack night, so all of the contestants are dressed in their Sunday best. Paula chose to celebrate the genre by starting martini time extra early this morning, which must have caused her to misplace her cocktail dress. She covers brilliantly though by gluing giant rose petals to her breasts.

The guest mentor this week is Jamie Foxx. As if I even had to say it. Like his isn't the first name we all think of when we hear "Rat Pack."

I'm falling asleep already and the first performer hasn't even started yet. I have a feeling this is going to be a big old dud of an evening. Not because these songs aren't good - they are. But what made Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and the gang all stars wasn't vocal ability. They had charisma. They had stage presence. They knew how to deliver a song. And they oozed coolness. Aside from Adam (who's wearing a suit like everyone else, dammit), the Top 5 are a bunch of squares, man. Well, Allison's all right too 'cause she's a dame. A crazy, redheaded dame.

Here we are at square 1, otherwise known as Kris Allen. He is singing "The Way You Look Tonight" at an unreasonably slow tempo. It's almost as if he's trying to fill up this whole hour by himself. Then, more than half of the way through, the song inexplicably speeds up, just to switch back to super slo-mo for the ending. What the hell? This isn't a Led Zeppelin song. Cool it with the crazy tempo changes! Randy proves he hasn't been paying attention all season by proclaiming this Kris's best performance so far. I'm not even going to bother to relay what Kara says (to anyone) because I don't care. Paula calls Kris a "contemporary crooner," and then Simon says a bunch of weird stuff. Is he borrowing lines from Paula now? He says the performance was good but "a little bit wet." Eh? Then he says watching Kris is like taking a well-trained spaniel for a walk. Yeah! I know! That performance was like, uh, like eating mayonnaise while the wind is blowing. Or like sharing a biscuit with a manatee. Or like wiping your bum with a ShamWow. And if you ask me what that's all supposed to mean, I'm just going to roll my eyes and dismiss you like you're the one who doesn't know what you're talking about.

I jolt awake to find Allison Iraheta singing "Someone to Watch Over Me" in an ultra-husky manner. Even though she's a rocker chick, I think she was made for this kind of music because she sounds like a two-pack a day girl (at least) who's been knocking back a bottle of Makers Mark every day for the past 17 years. This is really good. The bee's knees. Maybe she should rethink the rock scene and do this kind of music. Oh my God. It's just like that '80s movie, No Small Affair, in which Demi Moore tries to make it as a rock star and Jon Cryer insists that she should sing jazz standards. They have a fight, but when she gets a record contract after singing "My Funny Valentine," she has sex with him before leaving his ass for fame and fortune. Well, okay, so Allison's performance isn't just like that movie, but it reminded me of it anyway. And you never know. Jon Cryer could be in the audience. They could get it on later. But since Allison's only 17, the cops would go after Cryer for statutory rape, which would force him to frost his tips, pretend he's a teenager, and hide out in a high school somewhere.

Back from pointless '80s movie tangent in 3...2...1...

Okay, so Randy says "Yo" a lot. In fact, I think that might be all he says to Allison. All the judges think she's great, but for some reason Simon tries to send her back to the kitchen where the ladies belong by spouting some garbage about how she's mechanical and lacks confidence, and then plants his evil seed in the viewers' minds by saying that she "could be in trouble" tonight. I wish to God that she will turn to Cowell and, in her deepest voice, give him the old "I've got chunks of guys like you in my stool!" Sadly, she passes up this opportunity.

Matt Giraud is still under the impression that he looks good in those stupid Timberfake hats. He still thinks he's got a falsetto worth showing off too. How deluded can one guy be? He sings "My Funny Valentine" and, while it's not as bad as whatever he sang last week, he's not going to be following in Demi Moore's footsteps and getting the big record contract on the strength of this performance. He has a better shot of getting it on with Jon Cryer. The judges' table is split on this one, as Randy and Kara think Matt was pitchy and not emotionally connecting with the audience, but Paula and Simon think the performance was expressive and authentic. I think Cowell just doesn't want to admit that he was wrong for saving Matt two weeks ago.

Smuggy Smuggerson informs everyone that he won't be changing up "Come Rain or Come Shine," surprising no one. When does he ever do anything even remotely original? He's gonna bore you like he always bores you come rain or come shine. He sounds okay, but it's the same old raspy yelling and gasping for air after every fifth word. There is nothing stunning about this performance. It's decent. But do you think the judges agree with that? Nooooo. One more tongue bath, coming right up! And just when I think that Danny can't get any more intolerable, he raises the bar. Paula says, "The best thing about you is that you can see the finish line ahead of you," while he stands there grinning like he just had sex with Ken Warwick's daughter. Really, Paula? That's the best thing about him? The misplaced confidence? The egomania? The dickheadedness? He can't even shut it off after the judges have finished their critiques. Danny brings up the finish line thing again and says, "I do see it. I DO." Then he makes that smarmy heart sign with his hands.

Finally, it's Adam Lambert's turn. He is the sole reason I didn't just call it a night when I started falling asleep at the top of the show. Of course, I am a little disappointed that he sort of fell in line this week. He usually likes to do the opposite of what people expect, so I was hoping that he would come out tonight in a Freddie Mercury leotard and full-body glitter to do a techno version of "The Candy Man." I knew that was probably just wishful thinking, but I wish he'd picked a more fun song, like "Lady is a Tramp" or "Mack the Knife." Instead, he picks "Feeling Good," a song that has been done on Idol before. He opts for the "rock version" of it (by Muse) and it's pretty good. I mean, it's Adam. He slinks down the giant lucite staircase and makes crazy stripper faces, so it's all good. And, as we've already established, the boy can sang. Randy says that it was all a little too theatrical (read: gay) for him, and Cowell says that's like complaining about a cow mooing. (Thank God it's the end of the night because I can't take any more of his ridonkulous analogies.) I will lift my ban on Kara's comments just for now, because I have to mention that she just called Adam sleazy. I know she means it as a compliment because she's a dirty slanket who enjoys sleaze, but how dare she! Ban reinstated. Paula says, "You make me feel better than good," but Adam's excitement is dampened when he realizes that she's just talking to her Coke cup. Simon tells Adam that he had the best entrance in the show's history, and forbids Ryan from using the giant staircase ever again. Well, there's $100,000 down the drain.

So, who will still be swinging next week and who will be sleeping with the fishes tomorrow night? It's hard to say. Clearly, Matt is the one who should be heading home this week, but Simon is foolishly pimping him while trying to throw Allison under the bus. The dame does NOT deserve to be voted off. Especially not after tonight, because she was fantastic. I would love to see Danny get the boot, but I predicted his premature evacuation last week and was wrong, so, unfortunately, I don't think he will be the subject of the "shocking elimination" this year.

It just better not be Adam.

Now that we're down to five, I'm guessing that there will only be a bottom two. I really don't know what the judges are trying to pull and I can't be bothered to try to crawl inside their brains. I'm just going to pick the bottom dwellers based on who I feel deserves to go. Kris and Matt will receive the lowest votes and Matt will finally take his mole and go home.


Watch video clips of tonight's performances on MJ's Big Blog.

Find more Idol news and recaps at SirLinksalot.