Here we are again at Results Night. These intros get more and more dramatic every week. Suddenly, I feel like I'm watching CourtTV or something. I'm a little worried that there might be a live execution of the two contestants with the least votes.
Ryan wishes everyone a Happy Earth Day, but doesn't seem to care that it's also Administrative Professionals' Day. Well, why should Ryan be any different than my boss?
A big deal is made over the fact that P-Ab choreographed the group number for tonight. I guess with the success of So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With the Stars, the Idol producers thought it might be good for ratings to do a "behind the scenes at the dance rehearsals" segment. Even if it has nothing to do with a singing competition, which we are occasionally led to believe this show is. In between scenes of Paula trying to teach the rhythmically challenged, we see Matt Giraud downloading his cover of "Let's Get it On" as his ringtone, bringing that song's download count up to 1.
No attempt is made to mask the fact that this performance of The Jacksons' "Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground)" is lip-synched. I had almost forgotten what a great song this is. Luckily, the kids aren't completely ruining it. (I should hope not, since they got to sing it in the studio.) I will also give them props for doing a pretty capable job with the choreography (except Gokey, who still looks like a complete rube), but it's just all so High School Musical. And, despite my creepy old lady lust for Zac Efron, that is not a compliment.
Oh God. Now they're giving Paula a big bouquet of flowers. She's waving like she's on a float.
Did Lil even get a singing part in that number? I saw her doing the boob shimmy, but I don't think she got a solo, yet Captain Caveman got two solo parts. Wow. If it wasn't already obvious that she's going home, it should be crystal clear now.
The Ford commercial...ugh, don't ask. It was so awful, I've already purged it from my memory.
Lil is called first and Ryan strings her along for a bit before eliminating her immediately. No Bottom 3 for her, just right out the door. Well, they do still make her sing again, even though she doesn't have to "sing for her life" at this point. She looks fantastic and sings slightly better than last night. The judges all assure her that this is just the beginning of her career. Whether or not that's a singing career remains to be seen. Lil seems like a cool chick and all, but I really don't see her pulling a J-Hud on us. I think she's more likely to follow in the footsteps of Tamyra Gray and LaToya London, two cast-offs who really went far after Idol. So far that no one can find them now.
Before getting to the rest of the results, we're treated to Old Timers' Day at Studio 54. (Or was that Studio 57? Kara?) The disco medley features:
- Freda Payne singing "Band of Gold." Yikes. Okay, Lil sounded better than this lady. I realize that she's elderly now, but if she can't sing anymore, then she should stop. (She dances better than Gokey though, I'll give her that.)
- Thelma Houston singing "Don't Leave Me This Way." Ah, she's paying homage to the Best of the Worst by dressing up like Margaret Fowler. And she continues the trend started by Ms. Payne of thrusting her 70-year-old pelvis into the young and impressionable crowd.
- K.C. (minus the Sunshine Band) singing "Get Down Tonight." I can't decide who he looks more like - Squiggy or Mr. Kellerman from Dirty Dancing. This is just embarassing. Something tells me that if K.C. gets down tonight, he'll never be able to get back up. I hope he's wearing his Life Call necklace.
Kris is safe.
Seacrest makes Adam stand up and talk about his song choice before realizing that there is no way anyone would believe one of his Bottom 3 fake-outs, gets bored, and is like, ehhhhh, have a seat.
Danny is...SAFE. DAMMIT! I was so sure that he would be the "shocker" tonight. Oh, how I wanted to see his smug face contort into some hideous expression of outrage and disbelief. Poop.
Anoop is in the Bottom 3. No surprises there.
The last spot in the Bottom 3 belongs to either Giraud or Allison, and I already know that it won't be Captain Caveman the week after he got saved. Seacrest tries the fake-out but I already know exactly what he's going to say before he even says it. Allison ends up in the Bottom 3.
Vote For The Worst has now dubbed the show American Ethnic Cleansing.
And, appropriately enough, we get a nice big serving of white bread with the return of David Archuleta. He's singing the new single, "Touch My Hand," all while looking very awkward and making contractually obligated reach-outs into the tween pit. Mercifully, the song doesn't last too long, and then Seacrest leads Archie over to the uncomfortable stools. Now it's time for Davey's Corner! Last year's runner-up gives Anoop and Allison lots of uplifting advice and, gosh, golly, gee-whillikers, I don't know about those two, but I feel great!
That special lift is short-lived for Anoop, who is the second person leaving us tonight. He sings once more (this time wearing a salmon-colored shirt and sounding a bit better, as the cast-offs usually always do) before being joined by Lil to watch their combined farewell video. Ooh, lumping them together like that is really lame. The producers are a bunch of jerkoffs. (I know...newsflash, right?)
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