American Idol 8: Some People Don't Deserve To Be '80s Babies

Tonight's theme is "Songs from the Year You Were Born." No, not YOU. Each Idol contestant. At first I thought this would be great because all of them except for Allison were born in the '80s. Unfortunately, not many of them seem to appreciate MY decade and pick a bunch of garbage that makes me totally mental.

Who is the creepy, miserable-looking, lurchy bald guy they keep showing in the audience? Is he Ryan's bodyguard? Secret Service? A Terminator? Max Headroom? The guy never blinks.

Danny Gokey (1980) gags me with a spoon straight out of the gate by doing "Stand By Me," a song that was written and recorded by Ben E. King in 1961. Hokey works his way around this by claiming to cover the Mickey Gilley version that was recorded for Urban Cowboy. Ahem. First of all, if everyone is supposed to be picking songs from the year they were born, cover songs should be off-limits. Secondly, I have seen Urban Cowboy, like, 500 times, and this sounds nothing like the Mickey Gilley version. It's like some awful calypso/gospel/fake soul mess being sung by Michael Bolton. Kara and Paula are dancing like idiots though, so I fully expect the judges to give Danny a tongue bath. Randy tries to convince us, once again, that this show is about "vocal talent." Kara rambles and Paula pretty much suggests that Danny set the bar so high that everyone else might as well go home. I think Simon just told Paula that he can't stand her, so I'm savoring that moment too much to pay attention to what he's saying to Hokey.

Kris Allen (1985) tells us that his childhood dream was to be a taxi driver. And that aspiration actually makes more sense than his song choice. For some reason, he decides to choke on Don Henley's big ball of cheese, "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." Oh my God. WHY?? Why didn't he just pick "Boys of Summer?" Or, if he wanted a funky song, why not Sting's "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free?" Oh man, if people keep picking the worst of the '80s, I'm going to have an aneurysm before this night is over. Kris takes Giraud's spot down in the idiot pit and really stinks up the place with a horrible, Vegas-y arrangement. Jeez. Just when I was starting to like this guy. Simon and Randy both use the magic word, "indulgent," (remember to SCREAM, kids!), and Paula calls the Henley tune a "laudedly same-notes song." What does that mean?? God, my head hurts.

As soon as I found out that Lil Rounds was born in 1984 , I knew that she would be doing Tina Turner's "What's Love Got to Do With It." There are even fewer surprises in the performance than in the song selection, as Lil tries her best to make the Tina faces and do the little Tina strut. The vocals are not very good, and all of the judges agree that it's a weak performance. Simon even calls Lil out on trying to copy Tina's walk and mannerisms, branding her a "second- or third-rate impression." I agree, and I've pretty much had it with Lil. This woman has not had a truly good performance since her version of Mary J. Blige's "Be Without You" in the semi-finals. Of course, Lil promises the judges and the audience that she'll "bring it" next week. She's been saying that for a month now! What does she do - pack it, put it on the kitchen counter, and then leave for the theater without it every week? Lil, leave some damn post-its around the mansion or something! Don't leave home without it again, or you're done! Seriously.

Hey, there's Brooke White in a DSW commercial! How tragic that it's the most exciting thing I've seen so far tonight.

Anoop Desai (1986) apologizes for acting snooty last week, and then unapologetically launches into Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors." I hated when Phil Collins covered this song and I hate it now. It's not that I don't think that anyone but Cyndi should be allowed to sing it, but it would be nice if someone with some heart and soul covered it. Evidently, I am watching a completely different show than the judges because, while I am bored stiff and resort to counting Anoop's eyebrow hairs (only made it to 247) to pass the time, everyone tells him how great his vocals were and Paula even tosses in "magical."

True to form, Scott MacIntyre (1985) chooses a schmaltzy ballad, Survivor's "The Search is Over." He actually takes Paula's advice and comes out from behind the piano to play the guitar, which he's apparently had about 10 lessons on. The guitar part is way too loud and completely out of place, but his vocals aren't that bad. Oops, no, I spoke too soon. He tries to go for some high-pitched power notes near the end and starts singing in a key that never existed until tonight. Kara says there were some good moments and some bad moments, while Paula, refusing to admit that she gave the dude seriously bad advice, applauds him for getting out of his comfort zone. Simon suggests that Scott return to the piano immediately, and Randy says the performance was just "okay." I'm not sure if that's better or worse than "aight" on the Dawg scale.

Allison Iraheta (1992) sings Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" incredibly well, leaving me with a complete lack of snark. She's just really good - there's nothing much else to say. All of the judges give the youngest competitor (you do all know she's only 16, right??) high marks, and Randy compares her to Kelly Clarkson. For some reason, Simon starts picking at Allison's alleged "lack of personality," as if he knows she couldn't be voted into the Bottom 3 based on her vocals, and is trying to paint her as unlikable. I don't know why he would be doing that, but it makes no sense to say that Allison doesn't have any personality. She's a goofy teenager, and perfectly likable. If she lands in the Bottom 3 again this week, some serious bullshit is going on.

Matt Giraud (1985) is up next. VFTW has been calling him Cro-Magnon FootFace, which is seriously the funniest name ever. And rather fitting. I can't believe I ever toyed with the idea that he might be cute. He was definitely found in a crevasse and thawed out by Idol's producers over the summer. If he isn't a caveman and really was born in 1985, why would he pass over some of the great music of that year for "Part-Time Lover?" Man, I hate that song. I like Stevie Wonder and all, but if I ever met him, the first thing I'd do is smack him in the face for writing this steaming turd. I will give it to Captain Caveman here - he is making the song semi-bearable by replacing the lame synth arrangement with some funk - but I still hate his falsetto and wannabe Timberlake clothes. The judges needlessly spaz out over Matt's performance, as Randy and Kara proclaim it one of the best of the night and Paula gives him a standing ovation. I don't get it. No way he was better than Allison.

In his video package, Adam Lambert (1982) reveals that he used to love "playing dress-up but not sports." Lonely housewives and misguided teens out there who still think he's not gay...only vowels are left. Why don't you try solving the puzzle? Okay, so I'm kind of disappointed that Adam didn't queen out this week. His birth year has some great songs that would have been perfect for him - "Body Language" by Queen, "Gloria" by Laura Branigan, and, my personal choice for him, "Rudy" by Cher. (I think "It's Raining Men" would have been WAY too much to hope for.) Alas, he opts for "Mad World" by Tears For Fears, but does it in the somber style of Gary Jules' cover on the Donnie Darko soundtrack. His vocals are amazing, as always, but I was just so looking forward to hearing the '80s Glambert-style. Well, regardless of what he sings, what I really appreciate about Adam (aside from his general fabulosity) is that he seems to go out of his way to choose songs that haven't been done on Idol before. That's just one of a thousand reasons I always look forward to his performances. The judges don't really get to critique Adam because the show is running long again, but Simon responds to him with a rare standing ovation.

During the recap of the night's performances, the producers made sure to highlight Scott's WORST moment, so he should definitely be in the Bottom 3 this week. Lil and Kris should be joining him, but I have a feeling that the girls will keep Kris out of danger, and it will be Anoop taking that 3rd stool. (It doesn't really matter, since they both deserve it.) I think the show has finally tired of Scott, so he will be the one heading home (on the arm of his hot brother) tomorrow night.


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