Okay, so I finally had to break down and comment on something that's been driving me crazy for the past month or so. (It's also a painfully slow week in the entertainment world, so I've got nothing else. These monkeys just won't dance for me.)
They've since been taken down, but every day on my way home from work, I was forced to gaze upon this horrible quartet of Lifetime movie posters - each advertising a new movie in the "Nora Roberts Collection." I guess I was intrigued by these ads because I am consistently amazed that there are so many gifted and penniless writers out there with great screenplays and/or novels in their dresser drawers, yet someone like Nora Roberts writes the same book 100 times and not only do people want to read each slight variation, but they can't wait to see the screen adaptations on Lifetime, a network that prides itself on churning out hundreds of movies based on three to five story templates, tops.
The posters also intrigued me because it's rare that I see such truth in advertising. It's pretty brave of Lifetime to honestly portray these films as the ridiculous slices of cheese that they are. (No, I haven't seen any of them. And I have never read a Nora Roberts book. That doesn't make me unqualified to bash these things. I mean, I've never watched "2 Girls, 1 Cup" either, but I think I can safely assume that it's disgusting.)
So, pour yourselves some wine, lovahs, and let's get lost in the sensual delights of The Nora Roberts Collection.
Midnight Bayou, starring Jerry O'Connell and Lauren Stamile
The first time I saw this poster, I seriously couldn't stop laughing at it. Please tell me - in what country, land, galaxy, or dimension is this clinch sexy? Does that woman look like she's turned on or having any fun at all? Did she just pull a muscle in her neck? Did she just find a giant skin tag on Jerry's back? And what's up with Jerry? Is he supposed to be blind and having trouble navigating his way to Lauren's lady parts? Was he in mid-caress and then remembered that he forgot to call his Mom and wish her a happy birthday? Or was he stopped in his tracks by a water moccasin slithering across the floor? They are in the bayou, after all.
Judging from the compelling trailer, Midnight Bayou follows story template #2. (Thankfully, Nora Roberts doesn't specialize in stories that follow template #1 - "battered woman beats the odds and gets a makeover and/or revenge" - because Lifetime really doesn't need any more of those. And Meredith Baxter Birney is exhausted.) The basic components of this template are:
Tribute, starring Brittany Murphy and Jason Lewis
I didn't really think much of this poster until just now. But it might be worse than the first one. First of all, that wallpaper is horrible. (Are these two actually going to get it on in grandma's room? Gross.) Secondly, was this really the best shot the photographer could get? It just looks like a picture of two people who weren't ready for the camera.
While the two actors in the Midnight Bayou poster look completely nauseated by each other, these two seem much more comfortable. It's a little more believable that they would have sex. But what are they looking at? His junk?
Sexy guy: Wow. Will you look at that?
Sexy girl: That's impressive. Holy moly.
Sexy guy: I know, right? I've never seen it look like that. I must really like you.
Sexy girl: So...are we going to have sex?
Sexy guy: I know we should. I mean, I don't want to let this thing go to waste. But I can't stop looking at it. Let's just hold each other for a while.
That seems a little racy for Lifetime, though. Maybe Brittany's character is narcoleptic? Of course, there's always a chance that they just spotted a water moccasin slithering across the floor. They are on a farm in Virginia, after all.
As the trailer shows, this movie also follows template #2.
High Noon, starring Emilie de Ravin and Ivan Sergei
This poster is probably the best of the bunch, although, based on his facial expression, it looks like Emilie might be standing on Ivan's foot. She also looks like she's into that erotic asphyxiation that all the kids are into these days.
High Noon follows story template #3:
Northern Lights, starring Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian
This one also follows template #3.
I don't know what to say about this poster other than Eddie looks like he's having a great time and Leann looks pissed. It kind of looks like a lot of girls' uncomfortable experiences with their over-eager high school or college boyfriends.
Actually, I think Leann must be warning him through clenched teeth, "If you tell anyone about our affair, I will make sure you never work in this town again!" And even though there was a good chance Eddie wasn't going to get any more work anyway, he did deny it all like a good boy.
I just wish that Lifetime would kick Nora Roberts to the curb and go back to giving us instant classics like Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (don't tell Emilie de Ravin, but Ivan Sergei is "Danger," and Tori Spelling is sleeping with him), and Friends 'Til the End, aka The One in Which Shannen Doherty Tortured Everyone With Her Horrible Singing and Then Didn't Even Die.
They've since been taken down, but every day on my way home from work, I was forced to gaze upon this horrible quartet of Lifetime movie posters - each advertising a new movie in the "Nora Roberts Collection." I guess I was intrigued by these ads because I am consistently amazed that there are so many gifted and penniless writers out there with great screenplays and/or novels in their dresser drawers, yet someone like Nora Roberts writes the same book 100 times and not only do people want to read each slight variation, but they can't wait to see the screen adaptations on Lifetime, a network that prides itself on churning out hundreds of movies based on three to five story templates, tops.
The posters also intrigued me because it's rare that I see such truth in advertising. It's pretty brave of Lifetime to honestly portray these films as the ridiculous slices of cheese that they are. (No, I haven't seen any of them. And I have never read a Nora Roberts book. That doesn't make me unqualified to bash these things. I mean, I've never watched "2 Girls, 1 Cup" either, but I think I can safely assume that it's disgusting.)
So, pour yourselves some wine, lovahs, and let's get lost in the sensual delights of The Nora Roberts Collection.
Midnight Bayou, starring Jerry O'Connell and Lauren StamileThe first time I saw this poster, I seriously couldn't stop laughing at it. Please tell me - in what country, land, galaxy, or dimension is this clinch sexy? Does that woman look like she's turned on or having any fun at all? Did she just pull a muscle in her neck? Did she just find a giant skin tag on Jerry's back? And what's up with Jerry? Is he supposed to be blind and having trouble navigating his way to Lauren's lady parts? Was he in mid-caress and then remembered that he forgot to call his Mom and wish her a happy birthday? Or was he stopped in his tracks by a water moccasin slithering across the floor? They are in the bayou, after all.
Judging from the compelling trailer, Midnight Bayou follows story template #2. (Thankfully, Nora Roberts doesn't specialize in stories that follow template #1 - "battered woman beats the odds and gets a makeover and/or revenge" - because Lifetime really doesn't need any more of those. And Meredith Baxter Birney is exhausted.) The basic components of this template are:
- Woman/Man longs for change
- Woman/Man moves to a new town and into a beautiful new home that she/he could never afford in reality
- Weird things start happening
- Sexy stranger enters picture
- Sexy things start happening
- Sexy couple investigates weird things and discovers a dangerous and/or shocking secret
- Worlds are rocked; sexy couple's future is uncertain
- Love conquers all; sexiness resumes
Tribute, starring Brittany Murphy and Jason LewisI didn't really think much of this poster until just now. But it might be worse than the first one. First of all, that wallpaper is horrible. (Are these two actually going to get it on in grandma's room? Gross.) Secondly, was this really the best shot the photographer could get? It just looks like a picture of two people who weren't ready for the camera.
While the two actors in the Midnight Bayou poster look completely nauseated by each other, these two seem much more comfortable. It's a little more believable that they would have sex. But what are they looking at? His junk?
Sexy guy: Wow. Will you look at that?
Sexy girl: That's impressive. Holy moly.
Sexy guy: I know, right? I've never seen it look like that. I must really like you.
Sexy girl: So...are we going to have sex?
Sexy guy: I know we should. I mean, I don't want to let this thing go to waste. But I can't stop looking at it. Let's just hold each other for a while.
That seems a little racy for Lifetime, though. Maybe Brittany's character is narcoleptic? Of course, there's always a chance that they just spotted a water moccasin slithering across the floor. They are on a farm in Virginia, after all.
As the trailer shows, this movie also follows template #2.
High Noon, starring Emilie de Ravin and Ivan SergeiThis poster is probably the best of the bunch, although, based on his facial expression, it looks like Emilie might be standing on Ivan's foot. She also looks like she's into that erotic asphyxiation that all the kids are into these days.
High Noon follows story template #3:
- Woman/man needs a break from her/his dangerous and high-stress job
- Woman/man meets handsome rogue/independent, tough-as-nails woman
- Sparks fly; feelings are denied
- Woman/man finds herself/himself in peril due to a random psychopath/vengeful enemy from the past/trusted friend/evil co-worker
- Woman/man turns to handsome rogue/independent woman for comfort; sexy things happen
- Everyone woman/man loves is suddenly in danger
- Worlds are rocked; sexy couple's future is uncertain
- Regardless of their roles, man has to rescue woman
- Love conquers all; sexiness resumes
Northern Lights, starring Leann Rimes and Eddie CibrianThis one also follows template #3.
I don't know what to say about this poster other than Eddie looks like he's having a great time and Leann looks pissed. It kind of looks like a lot of girls' uncomfortable experiences with their over-eager high school or college boyfriends.
Actually, I think Leann must be warning him through clenched teeth, "If you tell anyone about our affair, I will make sure you never work in this town again!" And even though there was a good chance Eddie wasn't going to get any more work anyway, he did deny it all like a good boy.
I just wish that Lifetime would kick Nora Roberts to the curb and go back to giving us instant classics like Mother, May I Sleep With Danger (don't tell Emilie de Ravin, but Ivan Sergei is "Danger," and Tori Spelling is sleeping with him), and Friends 'Til the End, aka The One in Which Shannen Doherty Tortured Everyone With Her Horrible Singing and Then Didn't Even Die.
Comments
What the eff happened to Brittany Murphy's neck? Is she part owl???
PS - There is only one good Lifetime movie, and that is that one where Alec Baldwin sleeps with his stepdaughter and they plot murder.
Thirteen is one of the best worst movies ever.
Also, Lifetime's network slogan ought to be "Lifetime: If you've a Y chromosome, just change the channel now."
Anyway, I refuse to watch Lifetime on principal, but I'm kind of scared by how many names I recognized from these posters. I mean, I fully realize that Brittany Murphy has about the talent level that warrants a Lifetime film, but doesn't the sheer hotness that is Jason Lewis warrant something better? God, he was the only thing I ever liked about Sex and the City...
Also re: The Jerry O'Connell one - have you seen him lately? That poster must have had the living shit airbrushed out of it. I mean I know they all have but that one is just ridiculous.
My favorite Lifetime movie is "My Stepson, My Lover."
Thank you for bringing them to our attention.
fantastic! very funny.
Obviously I came trailing to your site and found myself guffawing at this post. The actors participating in these movies... have they conceded to career decline when they take these roles, or is this considered a valid way to keep your name "out there"?
But then I consider that there's probably even more money in porn...