Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

Paula Abdul Can't Face the Harsh Reality of a Post-Glambert Idol? - So, I've already been chided by two commenters for not blogging about P-Ab's supposed imminent departure from American Idol. Well, I haven't bothered because I think it's a non-story. I mean, how many times have we heard that Simon Cowell isn't returning? These judges are full of it. This is all a big ruse to get the public to keep talking about AI in the off-season, especially since they're all afraid that there may be no life after Adam Lambert (a fate that a brilliant writer recently predicted). And really, what does Drunky think she's going to do if she jumps off the gravy train? Go back to making records that will go negative double platinum? Play with her Bratz dolls all day? Teach a community college course on how to beat a breathalyzer test? Please. She's not going anywhere. But in the off chance that she does, I'd like to offer myself up for the job. I hear that Paula's been offered $10 million to stay but she wants $20 million. I'll do it for $50,000 and a chance to punch Kara dead in the face.

Adam Yauch Has Cancer - The Beastie Boys' MCA just announced that he has salivary gland cancer, which has forced the group to postpone the release of their latest record and supporting tour dates. According to Yauch in a video posted to the Beastie Boys website, the cancer hasn't spread and it is considered highly treatable. So, after some radiation therapy, he should be back to sippin' def ale with all the fly women soon enough.

Gwyneth vs. Scarlett - Rumor has it that the stick up Gwyneth Paltrow's ass has wedged in a little bit further, ever since she was left out of recent promo pictures for Iron Man 2, which feature new co-star, Scarlett Johansson. Paltrow's rep says that there is no truth to the claim, which means that it's probably completely true. I don't particularly like either one of them, but since I thought Scarlett was quite good in A Love Song for Bobby Long (as something other than a sex bomb, for once) and thought Gwyneth's best work was as a head in a box in Se7en, I suppose I'm slightly more in Camp Johansson on this one. But really, Iron Man is all about Robert Downey, Jr. so they should probably both shut up.

Ben Roethlisberger Suffers a Late Hit - A year after it supposedly happened, Andrea McNulty (a concierge at Harrah's in Reno, Nevada) has slapped Big Ben with a sexual assault charge in a lawsuit that also brings libel and slander charges against eight of McNulty's co-workers, who she claims didn't believe her and defamed her after the alleged rape. Obviously, I'm a Steelers fan, but I'm not going to automatically assume that Ben is innocent simply because of that - unlike some obvious Steeler haters who are leaving comments on every news story on the Internet about Ben's "obvious" guilt. Tools. However, I do think it's quite fishy that this woman waited a whole year to say anything, using the old "no one would believe me" excuse. Why would she have spoken to hotel employees about it instead of the police? Then there is the fact that she spent some time in a mental institution last September, which she now claims was a result of the alleged rape but which could have had something to do with the death of a long-distance love who didn't even exist. This only promises to get weirder and weirder.

Chris Brown Makes a Well-Scripted Apology - Proving that he can follow his publicist's advice and read cue cards very well, the singer axes for our forgiveness and talks about how ashamed he is, yadda yadda, all while dressed like the captain of the Starship Pimpslap.

Smells Like a Rickroll - I'm not a huge mashup lover, but I just saw this video today on Dlisted and laughed my ass off.

Of course, some of the tragically hip bloggers out there are already bitching about how this is "uninspired" and not funny - probably because they can't stomach anything that even appears to be poking fun at St. Kurt. And, fine, as just a song this probably wouldn't be that funny. But the video editing is a thing of beauty, especially when Rick is doing his dorky white boy dance to the guitar solo.

Anyway, amidst all the griping about which mashups are hip and which aren't, at least one of the cool kids I actually like (Idolator) introduced me to an older "Smells Like Teen Spirit" mashup that I hadn't seen before, this one expertly blended with one of my favorite songs of this decade, Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious."


rebecca said...

a) ditto on Paula Abdul. and, yes, please do punch Kara in the face! she's so friggin' annoying!
b) salivary gland cancer? just when i thought i heard of every cancer out there...hope he is doing better.
c) funny on the gwyneth; ditto on the scarlett and 'love song for bobby long' though i thought travolta STOLE that movie (what a different and great performance on his part) and, yes, it.is.about.the.iron.man not these two blondies!
d) couldn't care less
e) couldn't care less
f) poor K.COBAIN! that man is just turning and turning in his grave!

Cora said...

I sooo wish I could dance like Rick Astley-- Oh, wait. I do.

Cora said...


They could get a drunken bum off the street to do her job for $20. The bum would probably make more sense too.

Cora said...

By the way, my wv: "floggess"

You blog thinks I'm a badass. Clearly.


J. Hi said...

Today I decided that my kids would not get in the way of my computer time. So I am getting caught up. Oh how I missed you.

ok, Enough of the mushy stuff. I would pay you to punch Kara in the face. I cannot afford $50,0000. Would you do it for $19.95?

Nirvana and Rick--I don't think I can handle that.

Some Guy said...

I came very close to posting that Astley/Nirvana video myself. I'm glad you did.

deadspot said...

What's white and red and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

Kurt Cobain's couch!

Thanks. I'll be here all day.

BeckEye said...

Rebecca wrote: i thought travolta STOLE that movie (what a different and great performance on his part)

Gosh, all Rebeccas are so cool! How does that happen?

Rebecca, I know you're new around these parts so you may not realize that I kind of like John Travolta. Just a teensy weensy bit.

Bond said...

Paula - GONE

Ben - Not Guilty

Gwyneth and Scarlett - when this gets to the wrestling in jello stage, call me

Chris Brown - freakin' loser

Mashups - not a fan

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

While not a big Steelers fan, I'm watching this Roethlisberger thing with a mild curiosity. One other thing is that she's only asking for $400,000 in money from Big Ben. I'm wondering if she's thinking that he'll just be like "bitch, take the money and shut up."

Still, I'm reserving judgment. Part of me wants to say she's just crazy, but then part of me is like "she probably saw what the girl from Colorado went through with the Kobe Bryant case". Either way, should be interesting.

red said...

I think Gwyneth gets a bad rap...I think she's lovely and that story probably IS untrue.

Malcolm said...

If Chris Brown felt it necessary to film his apology, he should have did it unscripted. As for the Ben Roethlisberger story, I also find it suspect that the woman waited a year to say anything. One thing that this story has made clear (if anyone doubted it before) is that ESPN has become a joke in a lot of ways. Whether or not the story is true, a lawsuit has been filed and ESPN should be covering it.

Soda and Candy said...

Your Se7en reference reminded me of when I came home and Husband was halfway through watching it, and I said "Oh isn't this the one where Gwyneth's head is in a box?"

You know, the twist in the last ten seconds of the movie. Yeah... I had to, ahem, work hard to be forgiven for that one.

rebecca said...

Oh, just a teensy, huh? LOL! Why don't I buy that?

words...words...words... said...

Paula should kiss the ground and thank God she is gainfully employed. If she lived in any other country in the world, she'd have starved to death long ago.

Iron Man was the first time I actually enjoyed Gwyneth Paltrow. And it wasn't just cause of the red hair. I hope it's not true.

I'm willing to bet that Roethlisberger is guilty of nothing more than having a one night stand and not calling. Her actions are suspicious. Although, as Malcolm points out, not as suspicious as ESPN's non-coverage. Funny how they choose to exercise "journalistic integrity" when they need to maintain a relationship with an athlete, but not...well, all the rest of the time.

Les Becker said...

God, I can't listen to this... I'm not much of a Rick Astley fan, though - that voice coming out of the face - it just doesn't jibe somehow...

Grant Miller said...

I was looking for pictures of grant miller giving a tantric massage.

katrocket said...

Holy cows! I totally didn't know you posted that video! I should probably visit you more regularly - you know, to steal more ideas from you. You rule, and I am officially a hack.

P.s. - My word verification is "pardlymi", which kinda sounds like "pardon me" and makes me laugh (because I'm working too much and that makes me find almost anything funny)

Anonymous said...

You are my idol~

Billy said...

Re: Paula. I always thought the first rule of contract negotiation is "have a negotiating edge." PA has none. It's AI or "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!"

Re: Gwyneth & Scarlett. Both are adorable. Both probably battle diva issues. If they get a little catty, I can still find them both adorable.

Re: Big Ben. Same as you, I feel a little guilty when my first response to a story like this is to assume that the woman did everything she could to end up in the sack with a star, because I don't like feeling like a Rape Apologist. However, I'll never quite understand why anyone would get into a room alone with a Mike Tyson or any other Very Large Athletic Wealthy Male if they're not completely down with the sickness, so to speak.

Excellent mashup post!

Cormac Brown said...

Crud, "The Soup" won't be the same without Paula spacing and flubbing.

Hey, if you can find it on the East Coast, one of the greatest mash-ups of all time is 50-Cent's "In The Club" mixed up with Nine-inch Nails "Closer." Not to mention the Fifty's voice sounds better because the vocal dubs aren't mired in overdubs.

Gwen has no right to get her knickers in a twist, Pepper Potts is a tertiary character and no doubt that she will be there just to get angry as Downey crushes on ScarJo (damn, I'm reading too many gossip pages).


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