Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Eye Boogers

Like the goop that's always accumulating in the corners of our eyes, the following items are curiously fascinating:

From Kelly to Ryan: It's Too Late to Apologize - Kelly Clarkson has some anger behind those hazel eyes. THE American Idol recently criticized songwriter/producer/OneRepublic frontman Ryan Tedder for giving her essentially the same backing track that he gave Beyoncé, resulting in their respective sound-alike singles, "Already Gone" and "Halo." Since "Halo" was released first, Kelly was miffed and tried to stop her record label from subsequently releasing "Already Gone," worried that people would just accuse her of ripping off Beyoncé. However, the single was released, Kelly is jacked, and Tedder is firing back, calling Kelly's claim "hurtful and absurd." Tedder is now "challenging" everyone to listen to Kelly's song and Beyonce´s song back to back and make up their own minds. Always up for a challenge, I have heard them both. And now I challenge anyone with ears to deny that THEY ARE THE SAME DAMN SONG. Maybe this will help.

Couples Be Splittin'! - Like celebrity deaths, celebrity break-ups often happen in threes. The most recent trio of splits are Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo, Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush, and Leann Rimes and the dude she's married to who isn't Eddie Cibrian. I would like to ask that you all respect the dumpees' privacy during this difficult time. Mostly because they're all boring and their privacy isn't worth invading.

Cindy Lou Who Is Edgier Than You - Gossip Girl's Taylor Momsen has officially gone from under my radar to on my nerves. I'd always considered her a non-entity until the above linked interview made its way into my eyeball, cutting through my cornea like a piece of her overly gelled, jagged hair. At the ripe old age of 16, totally mature Taylor has already had "lots of relationships" (read: drunken sex) and says that she needs an older man because she would "eat a boy [her age] alive." She's also way too self-aware to be bothered with college (having finished H.S. early), yet is still blissfully unaware that the slash (as in actress-slash-rocker chick) schtick is a cliché that rarely works. As for the oh-so-edgy haircut, Momsen explains, "I pulled up a bunch of photos of Joan Jett and said, ‘Do that to my hair.’ I decided to start being myself." I guess in her rush to finish high school, she skipped over that whole section on irony in English class.

King of All Twits Refuses to Twitter - Today must be the slowest news day ever, because all Page Six can come up with is how Kid Rock hates Twitter. In fact, he thinks it's GAY. Not "gay" as in "happy" or "fabulous" or "enjoying relations with the same sex," but "gay" in the way 13-year-old boys and rednecks mean it. (You know, now that I know Kid is so against Twitter, I might be forced to reassess my own negative stance on it. Because anywhere this assbag doesn't want to be can't be all bad. Plus, I do so love gay things.) Greaseball Jones goes on to say, "If one more person asks me if I have a Twitter, I'm going to tell them, 'Twitter this [bleep], mother[bleep]er." Seriously, how many [bleep]ing people ask him if he's on Twitter? I could see people asking him if he has any drugs on him, or how the hell he manages to bag hot chicks, or if he's ever owned a bar of soap, but I honestly can't imagine that very many people have stopped to chat with him about his Twitter activity or lack thereof. He further opines, "I don't have anything to say, and what I have to say is not that relevant. Anything that is relevant, I'm going to bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere." So, he's going to make records that are relevant? What a [bleep]ing novel idea! But I don't know why he'd want to start now.

If A Celebutard Falls in the Forest and No One Writes About It, Does She Still Exist? - The answer to this philosophical question will be answered on August 4, which will be a Megan Fox-free day on several dude-centric websites. Apparently, even the biggest walking penises have gotten tired of her constant stream of egotistical and uninformed bullshit, and so have set aside one day to ignore her completely. I ignore her pretty much every day, but I'm sure it's just because I'm jealous. There couldn't possibly be another reason, like that she's a horrible "actress" or that she has a miserable attitude, or that she has less expressions than a blow-up doll. No. I'm just a jellus h8r.

17 comments:

Chrystal K. said...

You are funny...love your writing style. But yeah, the melody and lyrics are obviously different, bu the musical composition is very similar.

J.J. in L.A. said...

Megan who?

Suze said...

Kid Rock is going to make Ashton very mad. Cat fight!

Also, please do not twitter. I will be forced to disown you and I was planning on leaving you my BeeGees 8-track tapes.

Cormac Brown said...

As far as Kelly and Beyonce, it all pretty much sounds the same to me. Somewhere, somehow, all recording artists forgot what guitars and grooves were for.

McGone said...

"I'm going to bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere."

Oh, the imagery. Kind of makes me think that Kid Rock thinks of his music the same way as the rest of us. Hope he doesn't blow an o-ring!

katrocket said...

I initially believed that my disdain for Megan Fox may have been rooted in jealousy, but nowadays, I'm 100% confident that it actually stems from my replusion to fucking stupid idiots.

Bond said...

I have to wash my face and get those boogers out of my eyes

Lestat de Lioncourt said...

The things you wrote under your "about me" I can definately understand.

rebecca said...

a) yep, same song.
b) Poor Jess; Kim's a survivor; and, looks like Leann is gonna get her groove on.
c) Cindy who?
d) Well, the twit doth make sense. Shocking.
e) Methinks Megan needs a cerebral makeover; poor girl, she's losing a large fan base. Can't a girl just be hot and uninformed anymore? What's this world come to?

Shelly said...

Oh, celebutards. Hope they never stop being stupid.

red said...

I never thought "Halo" and "Already Gone" were the same song until I read about this story. They're still 2 of the best songs on their respective albums so who really care?

Alice said...

that bottling up & squeezing metaphor makes it sound like kid rock is popping zits to make music.

words...words...words... said...

I think I like Kid Rock even more now.

Gifted Typist said...

I think people hate Twitter for the same reason they hate Sting and Bono - it's huge, lots of people are threatened by it and hating it becomes a way expressing who you are

J. Hi said...

Yeah, those songs do sound very similar. I hate that Halo song.

Fancy Schmancy said...

Hysterical and spot-on, as usual.

Def the same song. Poor Kelly.

Kristi Mantoni said...

I fought Twitter too but I caved and am falling in love with it. I tweet during SYTYCD with a bunch of other people. It's kinda like we're all live blogging at once. I think you would get even more reader for your blogs and other articles as well. Think about it. I'll follow you! (It's been awhile since I commented but I am still reading.)

 

Who Does This Broad Think She Is?

My photo
I am a winsome muse who was sent to Earth to inspire an artist to turn a vacant building into the world's coolest disco roller rink. We fell in love along the way, and I foolishly gave up my immortality. When the disco craze ended and all the roller rinks were shut down, that lazy bum wouldn't get a job. We broke up and I was stuck on Earth with nothing to do and no one to inspire. So, now I write a blog.

What Do Others Think of BeckEye?

"You're like an idiot savant of terrible garbage entertainment." - Falwless

"You're my hero." - Candy

"Get yourself a life. Better yet.....eff off." - Ann Onymous

"There's no one like you." - Klaus Meine