Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Happy Birthday to Everyone's Favorite Pill Popping Hood Ornament, Tawny Kitaen!

Yes, the one-time video vixen and her wall of hair turn 48 today. She hasn't aged too badly, I suppose. Certainly better than David Coverdale. (Unless he really is 75.)

On her special day, let's forget about the hot mess that Tawny turned into and take a moment to reflect on the just plain hot mama that she used to be. Long before CZJ came along, she may have been the first woman I considered having a late night feather pillow fight with, if you catch my drift. And if you were a frequent viewer of USA Up All Night, I think you do.

Still, even if Tawny was hot, her career was not. The only good things she ever did were those Whitesnake videos and Bachelor Party. (And in my baseball loving days, I gave her major points for scoring Chuck Finley. But then she had to go and beat him with her shoe.)

I really tried to think of something else that I could give her props for: Witchboard? Hell nah. Her guest spot on Seinfeld? Not memorable enough. All looked lost until I remembered IT. The movie that is so mind-numbingly bad that it is damn near brilliant - Crystal Heart. I tell you people, if you have not seen this, drop whatever you're doing and RENT IT IMMEDIATELY. Don't tell me you can't find it. Netflix has it. I checked.

Basically, some hack screenwriter thought it would be awesome to make a rock 'n' roll (and I use that term very loosely) version of Boy in the Plastic Bubble, replacing all the interesting parts with musical montages and replacing gorgeous and charming John Travolta with the dweeby white-man-fro'd pianist from Fame, Lee Curreri. And then he thought it would be even more awesome to have Tawny Kitaen play an '80s pop star cliché (lip synching, of course), who eventually shows her boobs when she and bubble boy have sex - er, that is, when they DRY HUMP EACH OTHER THROUGH THE "CRYSTAL" WALL in a clumsy, foggy attempt to be erotic.

And you know what? That hack screenwriter was on to something. Because it is awesome! This movie will teach you what life and love are all about! I believe in Crystal Heart 'cause I believe in me!

If you can't wait to get this movie in your hot little hands, here is something to tide you over: Tawny as Alley Daniels in the cheesetastic video for "Don't Touch the Heart."


Candy's daily Dandy said...

I'm thinking her cheek implants are WAAYYY too obvious. No?

Cheek implants=hotmess

J.J. in L.A. said...

I'm 45 and look a shitload better than that. Oh yeah! I don't do drugs...or beat up men.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

She was Hercules' wife on the series with Kevin Sorbo. I was so enraptured with her red tresses and awesome body I went out and rented both Witchboard and Crystal Heart.

I suddenly became a lot less enraptured.

SkylersDad said...

Did the plastic surgeon install a little knob on the back of her head that she tightens a bit each morning? My God...

Billy said...

I still remember watching Witchboard solely because my friend and I were so enamored with her infamous Nipple On The Windshield that we would have watched her on C-SPAN if the option were made available to us. And, sadly, because I was a horny teen, we weren't all that ashamed to watch that awful, awful movie.

Crystal Heart... wow. I'll see your crappy movie and raise you: Check out one called "Deathstalker 2: Duel of the Titans" and be sure to drink and have some company. You'll either love me or hate me forever.

Still, a scene of "plate glass humping" is pretty tough to beat...

Cora said...

Am I a moron, BeckEye? I just don't remember her at all!

Bond said...

Man she does not even look like the hot mama from bachelor party

words...words...words... said...

I just want to know who CZJ is.

Moxie said...

I got to hang out with Lee Curreri a few years ago - he is a really nice guy, very warm and so un-Hollywood. I have a feeling he rolls his eyes about that movie, too.

Malcolm said...

Aw man, I had forgotten all about Crystal Heart. I watched that mess for only two reasons.

Even though the sitcom itself wasn't that hot, her character on the "New WKRP" had one of the all-time great names... Mona Loveland!


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